Seven Golds

“If I am going to continue in this journey of trying to build a business, I need to have a vision of what I need to do and create a plan accordingly. Even if it isn't perfect, at least I need to see where this is going.” I was internally telling this to myself a few weeks back, when my mental health started to decline due to the high demands of the business, my physical health, and running out of money. Although I don’t know what came first.  Every time I deteriorate in such a way I know some things need to change. It’s just difficult to see those things with a dysregulated nervous system. I scheduled some meetings with a few business professionals looking for some business advice. I was looking for something, but I knew I didn’t know what exactly. I also didn’t know that towards the end of the last meeting I had already received my answer and reached a decision. The decision that my heart knew in that moment it was the right one, but my mind had hoped for a different outcome. Stil...

“I am not okay; I need help!” “I need help to be able to move forward and to continue because I already tried so many times and in this specific moment, I can’t do it alone. I know I can’t. I don’t know how to.” I told my therapist yesterday, with my voice shaking. A cry for help in the face of defeat. Accepting this, again, is perhaps the most difficult thing to do. "Why am I here again?” Which comes from a place of “I shouldn’t be here anymore.” "My mental health situation should be fixed already." "My life should be fixed and in order. Fuck! I’m 45 already!"  "It sounds like you are lacking compassion towards yourself and being judgmental with you," said my therapist. "Yeah, and why do you think that is?" I responded with a bit of a defensive voice. If being on the ground in despair and frozen again doesn’t scream “you need help,” I don’t know what else does. But it wasn’t just the ground. It was the mirror and my body and my face and my ...

Trigger warning! How long does it take to realize I am not okay? That I am in that place again. On Monday night I was in a dark place with a little bit of peace like never before. The kind that, hopefully, most of you don't know. It is a dangerous, peaceful moment when the heavy fight to keep going was unbearable and a part of me accepted I wanted to end the suffering. I texted my therapist in my despair, somehow, in the midst of heavy feelings of shame, or thinking she would get angry with me, drop me as a patient because how dare I was texting her on Monday night, probably seeking nothing but attention. She stayed with me until she knew I was safe. The truth is that by then my mind was already exhausted. I thought, "I am not okay," somewhere in the middle of the night when my mind was slowly and loudly screaming "what the hell just happened?!" These words, "I am not okay," have become of extreme importance in this journey. I thought I was going throu...

  My therapist gave me a letter I needed the other day. I was grateful for it, and hopeful for its result. Yet, I didn't read it- my body got tense and I started feeling a lot of anxiety, so I avoided the whole thing. The other day my physical therapist told me that my body is very tense, like in protection mode, and the inability to relax my body is keeping my muscles tight instead of allowing them to heal. She prescribed yoga. I had started it at the beginning of the year, but with so many exercises at home, plus everything else, I was struggling to keep up with it. My body is still doing it, trying to protect me, and although is so much better, it has affected my recovery tremendously. I wanted to tell her- "imagine doing yoga to relax when you don't know how you are going to pay for your mortgage next month." Still, I have been doing more of it - yoga. Breathing. I was having intense moments this week of not knowing if I have to be fighting all the time, telling m...

 I have been reflecting on this, lately, as I continue to step into an unfamiliar journey. Recovery was possible, but something forever changed. I believe that now, the same way I was fighting to heal and to get out of so much darkness, I am starting to redirect my fight. For hope. Joy. Beauty. It is a big win, for me, to make it to a point where I can mindfully work for something I lost for a long time- joy and hope.  There have been a lot of challenges that have affected my physical recovery; I will share more when I am better and able to mentally summarize and write more. I finally decided yesterday to stop putting so much pressure on wanting to blog, since it makes it worse. But a few important thoughts in this space feel nice and joyful. I hope everyone is doing okay. Here, Paty ♥ Love. Zeal. Balance.

  How it’s actually like to have mental health issues and trying to build a business- I finally opened my business bank account last week. Two hours of time, $15 in checking and $5 in savings.  I don’t know why, but I started having C-PTSD when I was there and it wasn’t until after I got home that I was able to slowly recover. Because of this, it took me a week to set up the online banking and to open the emails the bank sent. Every time I looked at an email from them, or thought about it, I was taken back to the same intense feelings, so I was avoiding it. I also worked a lot on pricing and creating packages, but this is an area I am struggling with. I have put a lot of time researching, asking questions, paying for advice, etc. I want to be fair to others, but I also want to be fair with myself & my needs. But the whole process was intense. The first time I sent a couple of prospects package price examples, and then one person immediately said: ‘It is not within our pric...

I was spending time trying to figure out what to write today. Something light, some words of motivation or encouragement to send your way, because I feel like it was a heavy week not just for me, but for many. But I was there, frozen, struggling to find some light in the chaos and the darkness, and the depression that hits sometimes, and the unexpected $2,000 quote to fix my car, and all the little things that keep breaking around the house, the fatigue from physical therapy, the news of the death of an old family friend, and, and... Then I wrote about something completely different. Deleted it. Massaged my neck in the heat of my room with no AC. Asked God for help. How can I pretend to say encouraging words when there is so much going on? The truth is that after two hours of trying to find inspiration myself, I think I failed. At least tonight. But I can leave you with this instead, this question, to ask yourself: Why are you still here? In this moment in time? In this Universe, with ...

I came across a good explanation the other day, about what Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (C-PTSD) is, and I decided to share it to continue creating awareness since it is an illness that has affected me deeply, and few people know about what it is. This post was written by an account I follow dedicated to creating suicide awareness. "" C-PTSD can develop after experiencing repeated or long-term trauma, especially when a person feels trapped or unable to escape. This may include childhood abuse, or neglect, domestic violence, human trafficking, ongoing emotional abuse, prolonged bullying, or living in a war zone. Unlike PTSD, which is often linked to a single traumatic event, C-PTSD is associated with ongoing or repeated traumatic experiences. People living with C-PTSD may experience symptoms of PTSD, such as: Flashbacks or intrusive memories. Nightmares. Avoiding reminders of the trauma. Feeling constantly alert or on edge. But they might also struggle with: Difficul...

  I am so tired from the week, I didn't think I could write something.  About a month or two ago I finally finished editing ALL the photos from a trip to Rainier with Lucián in 2018. I deleted a lot. Others I re-edited.  Since I have been dealing with health problems, I haven't been able to do a complete deep cleaning in my house. The last time was in October, but it resulted in messing up my neck muscles even more, so I decided to stop. I slowly and periodically do as I can and as needed.  My desk has been a source of stress because when I work there, I feel overwhelmed- my mind needs clean and organized spaces, but other big things have priority now. Then I get more overwhelmed because I want to clean the whole house, and I can't, or I know how long just one task will take and it feels like too much. I finally accepted that this little thing actually keeps my mind in chaos, which results in more stress and less clarity. So, I finally cleaned it today. A big challen...

When the insurance denied more physical therapy appointments and I had to stop, I had a feeling it was a bad idea. The physical therapist then assured me that I had made a lot of progress, and that with all the exercises she gave me to do at home, I would be okay. I wanted to believe her. Still, my intuition and my body were telling me otherwise. I knew I was making progress, but it was slowly, and I knew I still needed more work. I was also afraid that the progress I had made would reverse. And because I was improving, my chiropractor finally switched me from every two weeks to once a month. I lasted three weeks. Until I had to call him back to request a visit right away because I had been in a lot of pain, waiting to get better by doing the exercises, but without the proper care, I was getting worse. I told my chiropractor I needed more physical therapy and asked him if he could write me another referral and if he would help if the insurance denied it again. My treatment had been sto...

I absolutely love concerts. I have only gone to a few in my life; they are expensive, and my mental health really took the life out of me.  This week I went to the first one by myself. I bought the ticket at the beginning of the year; I wanted to make sure to buy it before running out of money.  On Tuesday, in therapy, I told my therapist, "I don't know what I'm doing, going to concerts right now if I am struggling with these headaches. What if this is a bad idea?" But that feeling was connected to something deeper. I still have little moments of feeling I don't deserve good things. I also go into anxiety thinking something is going to go wrong, and whatever goes wrong it would be my fault because I was there. Alone. When I shouldn't have. "No!" This has been my response for quite some time now, "no, we are not going there." My therapist told me that it is actually a misconception we have as society, sending messages that internalize judgem...

Today was my last day working with my brothers' company. I have been training my daughter Brenda so she can take over. I am broke. My health is not in good shape. I am still pretty limited with driving and many other things. Inflation is an issue. Yet, here I am.  The last time I was in this situation in 2018 I promised myself I would never do this again. I definitely have felt the heaviness of those thoughts these past months, until I realized that maybe I can't go around making these kinds of promises. Life is unpredictable, and things can change in unimaginable and unplanned ways. I know there will be challenges ahead, and I don't know if my business will succeed or fail. What I know is that this specific moment in my journey and my life, this is the right decision. I also know I will do everything in my power to make it work. While I figure out a way to take care of my health and heal, I will figure out ways to build the business. I hope you stay tuned for this new jour...

 "dream beyond [your] circumstances and believe in greater possibilities." "This reminded me that when I finally become who I am meant to be, I should carry myself in a way that opens doors for others too. Someone is always watching, learning & finding hope through the way we live our lives. Sometimes your purpose is bigger than just you." Here, Paty ♥ Love. Zeal. Balance.

  CHANGE THE NARRATIVE. I have been thinking a lot about this, this week. I was also thinking that I want my generation to "inherent the courage to question everything we've normalized." Here, Paty ♥ Love. Zeal. Balance.

  A few notes on acceptance from my therapist this week: She first asked me: "how does acceptance look to you?" I responded: "peacefully accepting things as they are. From there, I can mentally manage and do what I need to do to help myself, physically & mentally." I continued saying that it is that peaceful moment where everything aligns that I'm craving. She said that maybe acceptance is first accepting the frustration I feel because I won't be able to enjoy summer again. Because it will be a while before I am able to hike, drive to the beach, stay active and drive longer distances.  She acknowledged that acceptance isn't approval; that it doesn't mean I am okay or that it is okay. It just means accepting the frustration, validating my feelings, and then concentrating on what I can control. It is also knowing that I have done everything in my power to help me and knowing that there is more to sill do.  It is in this moment, in therapy, that I f...

My week was a bit difficult. On Saturday I was having bad headaches. Sunday and Monday I struggled a lot with my mental health. It was until Monday night that I finally gave up the struggle and realized my nervous system was dysregulated and I couldn't just fix it or run away from it. Brought myself to the reality that in those moments I can't see things clearly no matter how much I try. Nor feel positivity- it's not possible. So, finally on Monday night after two days of struggle I realized that what I needed was to regulate my nervous system. Nothing else. I started breathing with my normal routine of paying attention to my surroundings- "I am cutting carrots."  "The carrots are orange. " "I see trees outside my window. " "The trees are green."  "Oh, look, there is a raccoon eating the birds' food."  Then nostalgia hits because I have to do this. I feel it and move on from it. The next day I told my therapist that alth...

I realized this week that we can't let go if we don't accept things first. Exactly as they are. Without guilt. Acceptance comes first. And not just once.  Then comes the letting go. And the freedom. "Acceptance is freedom because you are ultimately deciding to stop fighting yourself." I read that letting go needs three qualities: acceptance. objective observation of the present moment. the effort to keep choosing more skillful actions than the past. And patiently because I don't like how it makes me feel, but I can't skip the messiness of the middle part. The magic happens here. I also had to google, first thing in the morning the other day after a night of panics & realizing that I am still struggling with deep insecurity. This one article listed three things, to overcome insecurity: having a voice. expressing your needs. knowing your value. My mind immediately & defensively goes to, "remember what happened the last time you expressed a need?...

  But first, where is my little mouse? "Now become your mouse self. It can't see far, but it knows what's right in front of you. Ask it, "what's the smallest step I can take now to move me toward my eagle vision?" "Make sure the step is small. Mouse-small." When I am reaching that breaking point of being overwhelmed, I have to stop, breath, and just admit that I am overwhelmed. I woke up tired & overwhelmed this morning. It was improvement from yesterday being burnout. So, before I got off my bed, I went over all the reasons of why I am overwhelmed this week. Accepting is important, because my first reaction is trying to fight it, or feeling shame in my inability to control it. This week I applied for three business grants. One was easy and fast, but one was more intense. I took two two-hour webinars. Missed another one because I got the time wrong, and another because there was a lot of echo in zoom.  I had two bad sleepless nights. One because...

On Saturday I asked the boys if they could drive to a little event at the University of Washington in Tacoma; I wanted to introduce myself and leave my business card to a business that was going to be there. I was surprised that I felt the need to take a few photographs. I had a difficult week with the headaches, but on Saturday I was feeling okay and it made me happy. I evaluated my decision to go very carefully, given the fact that I get trigger headaches just by being in the car for a long time. But the drive was only 1/2 an hour each way, so I figured it would be okay. Then Sunday happened. I went into depression really quick with a whole range of intrusive thoughts. The pressure of depression and the heavy work of trying to save myself triggered the headaches badly.  Sunday night I was experiencing what is called a 'dark night of the soul.' I have experienced this before, more than once, but it had been a while. I have been going from feeling lost, confused, in despair, to...

I realized really quick that the rebuilding phase will not be easy. I already spent the loan my mom gave me. A lot went into medical bills and mortgage.  My income tax return was little this year, and it is already going into medical expenses. My insurance is no longer covering for chiropractor visits, and it denied more physical therapy. I am currently paying out-of-pocket, but I know soon I won't be able to. The new clients I was excited about and counting on are not working out or are not ready. I had a difficult week with my headaches and back pain this week. This affected my mental health. My physical health affects my mental health, and my mental health affects my physical health.  I have also been overwhelmed as fuck! It became clearer, this week, after therapy and sleepless nights that if I my chronic stress is not managed, I have no chance of a full recovery; I am still hoping. I'm also in this space of trying to figure out how to live, recover joy, rebuild a life and...