Seven Golds

  How it’s actually like to have mental health issues and trying to build a business- I finally opened my business bank account last week. Two hours of time, $15 in checking and $5 in savings.  I don’t know why, but I started having C-PTSD when I was there and it wasn’t until after I got home that I was able to slowly recover. Because of this, it took me a week to set up the online banking and to open the emails the bank sent. Every time I looked at an email from them, or thought about it, I was taken back to the same intense feelings, so I was avoiding it. I also worked a lot on pricing and creating packages, but this is an area I am struggling with. I have put a lot of time researching, asking questions, paying for advice, etc. I want to be fair to others, but I also want to be fair with myself & my needs. But the whole process was intense. The first time I sent a couple of prospects package price examples, and then one person immediately said: ‘It is not within our pric...

I was spending time trying to figure out what to write today. Something light, some words of motivation or encouragement to send your way, because I feel like it was a heavy week not just for me, but for many. But I was there, frozen, struggling to find some light in the chaos and the darkness, and the depression that hits sometimes, and the unexpected $2,000 quote to fix my car, and all the little things that keep breaking around the house, the fatigue from physical therapy, the news of the death of an old family friend, and, and... Then I wrote about something completely different. Deleted it. Massaged my neck in the heat of my room with no AC. Asked God for help. How can I pretend to say encouraging words when there is so much going on? The truth is that after two hours of trying to find inspiration myself, I think I failed. At least tonight. But I can leave you with this instead, this question, to ask yourself: Why are you still here? In this moment in time? In this Universe, with ...

I came across a good explanation the other day, about what Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (C-PTSD) is, and I decided to share it to continue creating awareness since it is an illness that has affected me deeply, and few people know about what it is. This post was written by an account I follow dedicated to creating suicide awareness. "" C-PTSD can develop after experiencing repeated or long-term trauma, especially when a person feels trapped or unable to escape. This may include childhood abuse, or neglect, domestic violence, human trafficking, ongoing emotional abuse, prolonged bullying, or living in a war zone. Unlike PTSD, which is often linked to a single traumatic event, C-PTSD is associated with ongoing or repeated traumatic experiences. People living with C-PTSD may experience symptoms of PTSD, such as: Flashbacks or intrusive memories. Nightmares. Avoiding reminders of the trauma. Feeling constantly alert or on edge. But they might also struggle with: Difficul...

  I am so tired from the week, I didn't think I could write something.  About a month or two ago I finally finished editing ALL the photos from a trip to Rainier with Lucián in 2018. I deleted a lot. Others I re-edited.  Since I have been dealing with health problems, I haven't been able to do a complete deep cleaning in my house. The last time was in October, but it resulted in messing up my neck muscles even more, so I decided to stop. I slowly and periodically do as I can and as needed.  My desk has been a source of stress because when I work there, I feel overwhelmed- my mind needs clean and organized spaces, but other big things have priority now. Then I get more overwhelmed because I want to clean the whole house, and I can't, or I know how long just one task will take and it feels like too much. I finally accepted that this little thing actually keeps my mind in chaos, which results in more stress and less clarity. So, I finally cleaned it today. A big challen...

When the insurance denied more physical therapy appointments and I had to stop, I had a feeling it was a bad idea. The physical therapist then assured me that I had made a lot of progress, and that with all the exercises she gave me to do at home, I would be okay. I wanted to believe her. Still, my intuition and my body were telling me otherwise. I knew I was making progress, but it was slowly, and I knew I still needed more work. I was also afraid that the progress I had made would reverse. And because I was improving, my chiropractor finally switched me from every two weeks to once a month. I lasted three weeks. Until I had to call him back to request a visit right away because I had been in a lot of pain, waiting to get better by doing the exercises, but without the proper care, I was getting worse. I told my chiropractor I needed more physical therapy and asked him if he could write me another referral and if he would help if the insurance denied it again. My treatment had been sto...

I absolutely love concerts. I have only gone to a few in my life; they are expensive, and my mental health really took the life out of me.  This week I went to the first one by myself. I bought the ticket at the beginning of the year; I wanted to make sure to buy it before running out of money.  On Tuesday, in therapy, I told my therapist, "I don't know what I'm doing, going to concerts right now if I am struggling with these headaches. What if this is a bad idea?" But that feeling was connected to something deeper. I still have little moments of feeling I don't deserve good things. I also go into anxiety thinking something is going to go wrong, and whatever goes wrong it would be my fault because I was there. Alone. When I shouldn't have. "No!" This has been my response for quite some time now, "no, we are not going there." My therapist told me that it is actually a misconception we have as society, sending messages that internalize judgem...

Today was my last day working with my brothers' company. I have been training my daughter Brenda so she can take over. I am broke. My health is not in good shape. I am still pretty limited with driving and many other things. Inflation is an issue. Yet, here I am.  The last time I was in this situation in 2018 I promised myself I would never do this again. I definitely have felt the heaviness of those thoughts these past months, until I realized that maybe I can't go around making these kinds of promises. Life is unpredictable, and things can change in unimaginable and unplanned ways. I know there will be challenges ahead, and I don't know if my business will succeed or fail. What I know is that this specific moment in my journey and my life, this is the right decision. I also know I will do everything in my power to make it work. While I figure out a way to take care of my health and heal, I will figure out ways to build the business. I hope you stay tuned for this new jour...

 "dream beyond [your] circumstances and believe in greater possibilities." "This reminded me that when I finally become who I am meant to be, I should carry myself in a way that opens doors for others too. Someone is always watching, learning & finding hope through the way we live our lives. Sometimes your purpose is bigger than just you." Here, Paty ♥ Love. Zeal. Balance.

  CHANGE THE NARRATIVE. I have been thinking a lot about this, this week. I was also thinking that I want my generation to "inherent the courage to question everything we've normalized." Here, Paty ♥ Love. Zeal. Balance.

  A few notes on acceptance from my therapist this week: She first asked me: "how does acceptance look to you?" I responded: "peacefully accepting things as they are. From there, I can mentally manage and do what I need to do to help myself, physically & mentally." I continued saying that it is that peaceful moment where everything aligns that I'm craving. She said that maybe acceptance is first accepting the frustration I feel because I won't be able to enjoy summer again. Because it will be a while before I am able to hike, drive to the beach, stay active and drive longer distances.  She acknowledged that acceptance isn't approval; that it doesn't mean I am okay or that it is okay. It just means accepting the frustration, validating my feelings, and then concentrating on what I can control. It is also knowing that I have done everything in my power to help me and knowing that there is more to sill do.  It is in this moment, in therapy, that I f...

My week was a bit difficult. On Saturday I was having bad headaches. Sunday and Monday I struggled a lot with my mental health. It was until Monday night that I finally gave up the struggle and realized my nervous system was dysregulated and I couldn't just fix it or run away from it. Brought myself to the reality that in those moments I can't see things clearly no matter how much I try. Nor feel positivity- it's not possible. So, finally on Monday night after two days of struggle I realized that what I needed was to regulate my nervous system. Nothing else. I started breathing with my normal routine of paying attention to my surroundings- "I am cutting carrots."  "The carrots are orange. " "I see trees outside my window. " "The trees are green."  "Oh, look, there is a raccoon eating the birds' food."  Then nostalgia hits because I have to do this. I feel it and move on from it. The next day I told my therapist that alth...

I realized this week that we can't let go if we don't accept things first. Exactly as they are. Without guilt. Acceptance comes first. And not just once.  Then comes the letting go. And the freedom. "Acceptance is freedom because you are ultimately deciding to stop fighting yourself." I read that letting go needs three qualities: acceptance. objective observation of the present moment. the effort to keep choosing more skillful actions than the past. And patiently because I don't like how it makes me feel, but I can't skip the messiness of the middle part. The magic happens here. I also had to google, first thing in the morning the other day after a night of panics & realizing that I am still struggling with deep insecurity. This one article listed three things, to overcome insecurity: having a voice. expressing your needs. knowing your value. My mind immediately & defensively goes to, "remember what happened the last time you expressed a need?...

  But first, where is my little mouse? "Now become your mouse self. It can't see far, but it knows what's right in front of you. Ask it, "what's the smallest step I can take now to move me toward my eagle vision?" "Make sure the step is small. Mouse-small." When I am reaching that breaking point of being overwhelmed, I have to stop, breath, and just admit that I am overwhelmed. I woke up tired & overwhelmed this morning. It was improvement from yesterday being burnout. So, before I got off my bed, I went over all the reasons of why I am overwhelmed this week. Accepting is important, because my first reaction is trying to fight it, or feeling shame in my inability to control it. This week I applied for three business grants. One was easy and fast, but one was more intense. I took two two-hour webinars. Missed another one because I got the time wrong, and another because there was a lot of echo in zoom.  I had two bad sleepless nights. One because...

On Saturday I asked the boys if they could drive to a little event at the University of Washington in Tacoma; I wanted to introduce myself and leave my business card to a business that was going to be there. I was surprised that I felt the need to take a few photographs. I had a difficult week with the headaches, but on Saturday I was feeling okay and it made me happy. I evaluated my decision to go very carefully, given the fact that I get trigger headaches just by being in the car for a long time. But the drive was only 1/2 an hour each way, so I figured it would be okay. Then Sunday happened. I went into depression really quick with a whole range of intrusive thoughts. The pressure of depression and the heavy work of trying to save myself triggered the headaches badly.  Sunday night I was experiencing what is called a 'dark night of the soul.' I have experienced this before, more than once, but it had been a while. I have been going from feeling lost, confused, in despair, to...

I realized really quick that the rebuilding phase will not be easy. I already spent the loan my mom gave me. A lot went into medical bills and mortgage.  My income tax return was little this year, and it is already going into medical expenses. My insurance is no longer covering for chiropractor visits, and it denied more physical therapy. I am currently paying out-of-pocket, but I know soon I won't be able to. The new clients I was excited about and counting on are not working out or are not ready. I had a difficult week with my headaches and back pain this week. This affected my mental health. My physical health affects my mental health, and my mental health affects my physical health.  I have also been overwhelmed as fuck! It became clearer, this week, after therapy and sleepless nights that if I my chronic stress is not managed, I have no chance of a full recovery; I am still hoping. I'm also in this space of trying to figure out how to live, recover joy, rebuild a life and...

  I just ended a major cycle in my life and in my Journey. I realized I was wrong when I said I was ending the Journey back in 2024; I can see that now. I think I was transitioning into a new phase, without me realizing it.  This new stage is the stage of aligning my thoughts with my own feelings and actions. Of finding my balance. Of building a firm foundation, physically, mentally and spiritually. I know this now because I can peacefully stay with this reality and it doesn’t feel forced. I believe this is the phase where I start practicing what I have learned along this journey.  The REBUILDING phase. Truthfully. Doing with more intention, creating around my purpose and around who I am. Connecting with my authentic self, dreams, goals, purpose, power, trust, joy, love & future. Here, Paty ♥ Love. Zeal. Balance.

(Photo was taken by my son)  I have therapy on Tuesdays and Wednesdays each week. Although I’m getting better, it is still a lot of work. Normally by Tuesday, I’m realizing now, my nervous system is already dysregulated and I urgently need therapy to ground myself. Sometimes I am afraid I have become dependent on therapy and that I might need it for the rest of my life. But we are not there yet; I do hope that at least I can move to once a week instead of two soon. Lately, I have been working on ideas for my new business, doing research and applying for licenses in the evenings and on Saturday mornings. Today I was feeling overwhelmed by the whole thing so I thought about the blog and writing. The other day when I was feeling on edge, I checked Mark Nepo’s IG page, for inspiration. I saved a quote from him and I try to ground myself with it, often: “Lift your story like a sandbag and pass it on. It will do more good than you can know.” Sometimes when my brain is betraying me, I can...

I believe I am going to start my own business. Online bookkeeping business. I have been a little terrified about this decision as well. On Monday, when I was having a bad anxiety attack, I was thinking, "how in the world are you going to run a business if you have these mental health issues?" "Are you sure you have what it takes to do this?" Then on Tuesday when my head was hurting a lot and I had to schedule an urgent appointment with the chiropractor, I was thinking the same thing - "how in the world am I going to do this?" The other night when I couldn't sleep thinking about it, I remember telling myself, "Well, you are going to do it anyway, you know you are, so what is the point of being so worried to the point of making you sick?"  And taking it one day at a time. I realized that practicing gratitude and grounding myself is helping. If today I still have food and a roof, then today I am okay. Tomorrow is tomorrow. And remembering that i...

I am leaving my job. Two weeks from tomorrow will be my last day. This was one of the hardest decisions of my life and not easy to come to it.  When I told my therapist she reminded me that I have done hard things in the past. It gave me peace of mind for about a minute, because I also remember promising myself never to do this again- putting myself in that position of not having a job or money. Now here I am. Again.  Brené Brown said once that when we work with family, our unhealthy, unresolved patterns come to the surface the most. For me it was codependency, toxic guilt, feeling responsible for others, and maybe a few more. I am sure that the fact I am the big sister also played a big part, in my broken parts. Of course, there have also been the good parts that I brought in like commitment, loyalty, dedication, responsibility, solving problems, figuring things out, communication, projecting, bringing difficult conversations to the table, and a few others. They also had, and...

  I changed.  I no longer was broken. I realized I have outgrown the roads that broke me and started the process of figuring out the life that fits who I am now.  The rising part has begun. But boy, I'm not having a good time! Maybe this is the part where I figure out what I am made of. Here, Paty ♥