Having mental health issues and trying to build a business.

 

How it’s actually like to have mental health issues and trying to build a business-

I finally opened my business bank account last week. Two hours of time, $15 in checking and $5 in savings. 

I don’t know why, but I started having C-PTSD when I was there and it wasn’t until after I got home that I was able to slowly recover. Because of this, it took me a week to set up the online banking and to open the emails the bank sent. Every time I looked at an email from them, or thought about it, I was taken back to the same intense feelings, so I was avoiding it.

I also worked a lot on pricing and creating packages, but this is an area I am struggling with. I have put a lot of time researching, asking questions, paying for advice, etc. I want to be fair to others, but I also want to be fair with myself & my needs.

But the whole process was intense. The first time I sent a couple of prospects package price examples, and then one person immediately said: ‘It is not within our price range,’ at the same exact moment I received the quote the mechanic sent, and with the other person not responding, I started to slip.

These are normal behaviors in business, and although stressful, it is in these moments I know I have to keep pushing. But in my case, I started having intense emotions of despair, depression and anxiety, followed by fear, hopelessness and helplessness, with screaming thoughts of “you are not going to make it; this will never work…”

“Stop!”

I know that doubts and maybe a few moments of despair are normal when we are taking big risks. But the intensity of the darkness and depression are not. Even if they feel real. 

I, somehow, need to tell myself that what I’m feeling is not true, though my whole nervous system is screaming the opposite. I have to tell my brain that it’s okay if things don’t work out sometimes. I am experimenting, trying and figuring things out as I go. Gently remember that whatever happens in these email exchanges is just that, email exchanges, and no one will violently punish me or abandon me for it. 

When things start to get heavier and I start feeling like giving up, I have to let all go; do my best to rest my mind until the next day. It still took me about three days to be able to get back to that price package and make some changes. But it was until after I spoke with my therapist.

I realized, while talking with her that being triggered was also connected to feelings of unworthiness. Because some of the thoughts I was having were “who do you think you are to even assume you deserve what you are asking for?” 

As I am writing this, I am understanding that my body is expecting a reaction of judgment, diminishing, attacks, abuse, withdrawn.

I adjusted some things around as well as some numbers and emailed them back. I haven’t heard anything yet, and it might not work out, but professionally, I feel that I was pushed to do something I was uncomfortable and unfamiliar with. It also brought me to the flexibility and adjustments, which I know are essential. Although I don't struggle as much in this department, I need to constantly work on reminding myself to not be too flexible. 

Speaking of which, there was one potential client that I was trying to get because he said he needed help. I was trying to be flexible that one time, due to his line of work, but there I was, trying at 10:30 p.m. on Friday night. After we ended the call and I told him I was going to possibly make a few calls on Monday, I was able to make the decision that the professional relationship was not a good fit, and instead of guilt and gaslighting myself (well, I did it for a minute or two), I just said: “this is a business decision I am making based on such and such, and that’s it.” I moved on instead of ruminating in guilt and doubts for the rest of the night, or worse, the whole weekend. I also worked on not beating myself up for making a mistake that resulted in mental exhaustion, neck pain and a bad headache. I reminded my good self I am allowed to make mistakes and learn from them. And that it won’t be the last one. 

Besides the professional little growth, mentally, I was able to push through my episodes, which definitely built some resilience and healing.

Quote of the week: "and here you are, continuing on, despite how hard it's been lately."

Here,

Paty♥
Love. Zeal. Balance.