Seven Golds

.... My reality. I am struggling with my own reality. Being able to see it.  I doubt it, a lot. I doubt myself, my abilities, my decisions. Others' behaviors. My own mental illnesses and struggles. My therapist told me that I need to stop gaslighting myself. I went quiet for a while; it was a heavy reality. I knew she was right; I was realizing I didn't know I was doing it. But why wouldn't I? If I think about it. It felt pretty heavy. I went to sleep doing research on this. Feeling the truth throughout my body. Realizing there is one more thing I need to add to my list of mental health issues that I need to work on.  Heal. Last week, I started writing down things, in my journal. How I feel, and the thoughts I have. I was hoping that by doing this I would be able to start recognizing my reality more, since it seems that I am stuck in there too. The problem is that I can't really read back what I write, which is why she said I am gaslighting myself. This is also one of t

I have been in survival mode for so long that I no longer know how to live, or how it feels like.  My walls of protection are so high I don't know how to take them down. At some point I told my therapist I wasn't willing to get out of them anymore. It was becoming a conscious choice, to stay within my walls. Then it started been unbearable. Not living means not taking risks, not making decisions, and a complete lack of power. I decided that if I wanted to start taking these walls down, I needed to start taking some risks. The scary ones - the ones I don't want to take. And saying the things I don't want to say yet, nor admit. I made this choice. To start figuring out how to recover my power and strength.  To work more on making my mental health stronger, regardless of my mental illnesses. And keep learning to cope with the symptoms. How to get unstuck from this mental space where I feel so trapped and frozen. I want to figure out how to build a beautiful life, despite e

"...with only the risk to crack open all that has hardened about me, what will I do with what I have?"   Paty ♥