Choices...
My walls of protection are so high I don't know how to take them down. At some point I told my therapist I wasn't willing to get out of them anymore. It was becoming a conscious choice, to stay within my walls.
Then it started been unbearable.
Not living means not taking risks, not making decisions, and a complete lack of power.
I decided that if I wanted to start taking these walls down, I needed to start taking some risks. The scary ones - the ones I don't want to take.
And saying the things I don't want to say yet, nor admit.
I made this choice.
To start figuring out how to recover my power and strength.
To work more on making my mental health stronger, regardless of my mental illnesses. And keep learning to cope with the symptoms.
How to get unstuck from this mental space where I feel so trapped and frozen.
I want to figure out how to build a beautiful life, despite everything.
Recover my lighthearted and genuine self.
And my spirituality too.
I started on January first, right after midnight.
But first I told my inner little girl that we need to figure out how to become a woman; how to live better. I held her hand, and promised I won't abandon her.
It hasn't been fun. I feel so vulnerable and unprotected that I keep going back to my survival mode and my fears.
After a while I try again, when I have recovered a bit.
Then, yesterday, I had therapy. I didn't talk to her about any of this, but at night, I was thinking about this post (I actually deleted everything I had). I thought about what I had written, and this process. I thought about the heavy things we talked about, in session. I immediately got stuck again, in my head. I was trapped in that dark circle that doesn't seem to have an exit, even if I want to take down its walls.
But...
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