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Finding meaning where I am.

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When the insurance denied more physical therapy appointments and I had to stop, I had a feeling it was a bad idea. The physical therapist then assured me that I had made a lot of progress, and that with all the exercises she gave me to do at home, I would be okay. I wanted to believe her. Still, my intuition and my body were telling me otherwise. I knew I was making progress, but it was slowly, and I knew I still needed more work. I was also afraid that the progress I had made would reverse. And because I was improving, my chiropractor finally switched me from every two weeks to once a month. I lasted three weeks. Until I had to call him back to request a visit right away because I had been in a lot of pain, waiting to get better by doing the exercises, but without the proper care, I was getting worse. I told my chiropractor I needed more physical therapy and asked him if he could write me another referral and if he would help if the insurance denied it again. My treatment had been sto...
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About a concert. Shame, happy, and being present.

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I absolutely love concerts. I have only gone to a few in my life; they are expensive, and my mental health really took the life out of me.  This week I went to the first one by myself. I bought the ticket at the beginning of the year; I wanted to make sure to buy it before running out of money.  On Tuesday, in therapy, I told my therapist, "I don't know what I'm doing, going to concerts right now if I am struggling with these headaches. What if this is a bad idea?" But that feeling was connected to something deeper. I still have little moments of feeling I don't deserve good things. I also go into anxiety thinking something is going to go wrong, and whatever goes wrong it would be my fault because I was there. Alone. When I shouldn't have. "No!" This has been my response for quite some time now, "no, we are not going there." My therapist told me that it is actually a misconception we have as society, sending messages that internalize judgem...
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I promised I would never do this again. But life is not like that.

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Today was my last day working with my brothers' company. I have been training my daughter Brenda so she can take over. I am broke. My health is not in good shape. I am still pretty limited with driving and many other things. Inflation is an issue. Yet, here I am.  The last time I was in this situation in 2018 I promised myself I would never do this again. I definitely have felt the heaviness of those thoughts these past months, until I realized that maybe I can't go around making these kinds of promises. Life is unpredictable, and things can change in unimaginable and unplanned ways. I know there will be challenges ahead, and I don't know if my business will succeed or fail. What I know is that this specific moment in my journey and my life, this is the right decision. I also know I will do everything in my power to make it work. While I figure out a way to take care of my health and heal, I will figure out ways to build the business. I hope you stay tuned for this new jour...
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Beyond our circumstances...

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 "dream beyond [your] circumstances and believe in greater possibilities." "This reminded me that when I finally become who I am meant to be, I should carry myself in a way that opens doors for others too. Someone is always watching, learning & finding hope through the way we live our lives. Sometimes your purpose is bigger than just you." Here, Paty ♥ Love. Zeal. Balance.
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The narrative.

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  CHANGE THE NARRATIVE. I have been thinking a lot about this, this week. I was also thinking that I want my generation to "inherent the courage to question everything we've normalized." Here, Paty ♥ Love. Zeal. Balance.
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That acceptance isn't approval.

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  A few notes on acceptance from my therapist this week: She first asked me: "how does acceptance look to you?" I responded: "peacefully accepting things as they are. From there, I can mentally manage and do what I need to do to help myself, physically & mentally." I continued saying that it is that peaceful moment where everything aligns that I'm craving. She said that maybe acceptance is first accepting the frustration I feel because I won't be able to enjoy summer again. Because it will be a while before I am able to hike, drive to the beach, stay active and drive longer distances.  She acknowledged that acceptance isn't approval; that it doesn't mean I am okay or that it is okay. It just means accepting the frustration, validating my feelings, and then concentrating on what I can control. It is also knowing that I have done everything in my power to help me and knowing that there is more to sill do.  It is in this moment, in therapy, that I f...
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Acknowledge, Accept, Move forward - A critical stage.

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My week was a bit difficult. On Saturday I was having bad headaches. Sunday and Monday I struggled a lot with my mental health. It was until Monday night that I finally gave up the struggle and realized my nervous system was dysregulated and I couldn't just fix it or run away from it. Brought myself to the reality that in those moments I can't see things clearly no matter how much I try. Nor feel positivity- it's not possible. So, finally on Monday night after two days of struggle I realized that what I needed was to regulate my nervous system. Nothing else. I started breathing with my normal routine of paying attention to my surroundings- "I am cutting carrots."  "The carrots are orange. " "I see trees outside my window. " "The trees are green."  "Oh, look, there is a raccoon eating the birds' food."  Then nostalgia hits because I have to do this. I feel it and move on from it. The next day I told my therapist that alth...
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