Seven Golds

Lucián just graduated High School last week.  Throughout the school years, there were a lot of moments I didn't know if we were going to make it to the finish line. But now we are here, and I couldn't be prouder! I am also grateful and relieved. I still need to process the fact that all of my kids are out of school, with the exception of Angel & college. I no longer have to worry about school and assignments and grades. Or whether or not they will make it. College is different.  I enjoyed her graduation ceremony a lot; I felt present, alive.  My brother and my oldest daughter started planning her graduation party since the beginning of the year. When I found out I was still doing the difficult phase of EMDR, and my mental health was still in bad shape; I couldn't even imagine been able to do any planning, or help. I had a lot of moments thinking that if I couldn't get better and all I could do was to show up and be there for her, that that was good enough; that it w...

On May 12th I googled the meaning of "fulfilled life." Google said that it is a deep sense of purpose, meaning & satisfaction achieved through aligning one's actions with their values & goals, and contributing to something larger than oneself. It's about experiencing joy, fulfillment & a feeling of being perfectly alive. I wrote it down because I needed to keep going back to it.  "Maybe this is possible," I told myself a million times, since I actually typed “fulfilled life” throughout the years, in that little box. I had lost all feelings of joy, goals, satisfaction and feeling alive. But even before I went into a hole, I never felt this was possible- that feeling was always there; I was reaching for something, but I didn't truly believe I would ever have that, a fulfilled life.  And it got reinforced throughout life. A part of me felt I didn't deserve it, and that it was not possible. I believe this is possible now. It is significant be...

  This post is in honor of all the times I had to say "No, I am not going down like this." "I am going to keep fighting no matter what it takes." And I grabbed the camera, or the bike, or the weights, or my running shoes. Or went hiking or drove away, somewhere, anywhere. Or watched my favorite Disney movies, over and over and over.  Or sought therapy & help. As I recover, I am beginning to see and feel the fighter in me that I thought was gone.  I am Here, Paty ♥

  Remember when I wrote a powerful post about a journey ending and another beginning? I was wrong. I was still healing, working with trauma & my mental health. But I was trying; I know that for sure. For many years I struggled, anxiously, wanting to make it to that end. Perhaps looking forward to that kept me alive for a while until I realized it was also keeping me away from truly healing. I lost hope in that ending a lot of times. At times I pushed and tried on my own merits. Other times I made peace with the timing of the journey. Things started getting better, slowly, at this point. Suddenly, it just happened. The ending of that significant phase. I don't know how to explain it or how to explain the internal process of the past days. It feels like a miracle and at the same time, unreal. I don't think I know how to really process it yet. But this post is more about the future and its purpose than about what is ending. Here is what's next: I am going to use my inner p...

  My therapist told me last month that part of getting better is awareness and managing. Coping better.  It has taken me many years, frustrations, tears and a lot of hopeless feelings. But I think I am managing this a little better. Not perfect, just better. From small things to big things. Sometimes just having to do simple math, my mind shuts down and I get overwhelmed. But by immediately becoming aware of what’s happening, I can manage the situation and stress with patience; it doesn’t matter if it takes me longer to do the tasks. And when my mind wants to tell me that it shouldn’t be like this, is equally important to recognize it, tell myself that it is okay. Tell my brain that "we are not going there." Here, Paty ♥

Yesterday I was going through old photographs for my daughter's Lucián's high school graduation coming up in June.  I have photos going all the way back to 2018; photos I was never able to finish editing, and that I seriously thought I was never going to get to them. Slowly, since last year, I have been able to get to those folders and delete a lot of those photos. Some I am deleting because they just take me back to my worst moments with mental health. Others because I can see them with different eyes now, and they were just not good photos. And others because the editing was also not good. I realized how much my depression and distress was showing in the photos I was taking. Last night I noticed something important. For the first time, I felt that even though one of the reasons the photographs take me back to feel the horrible emotions I was feeling about myself, this time, I felt something different; something positive. You see, I recognized the fact that I was trying, at th...