Seven Golds

“If I am going to continue in this journey of trying to build a business, I need to have a vision of what I need to do and create a plan accordingly. Even if it isn't perfect, at least I need to see where this is going.” I was internally telling this to myself a few weeks back, when my mental health started to decline due to the high demands of the business, my physical health, and running out of money. Although I don’t know what came first.  Every time I deteriorate in such a way I know some things need to change. It’s just difficult to see those things with a dysregulated nervous system. I scheduled some meetings with a few business professionals looking for some business advice. I was looking for something, but I knew I didn’t know what exactly. I also didn’t know that towards the end of the last meeting I had already received my answer and reached a decision. The decision that my heart knew in that moment it was the right one, but my mind had hoped for a different outcome. Stil...

“I am not okay; I need help!” “I need help to be able to move forward and to continue because I already tried so many times and in this specific moment, I can’t do it alone. I know I can’t. I don’t know how to.” I told my therapist yesterday, with my voice shaking. A cry for help in the face of defeat. Accepting this, again, is perhaps the most difficult thing to do. "Why am I here again?” Which comes from a place of “I shouldn’t be here anymore.” "My mental health situation should be fixed already." "My life should be fixed and in order. Fuck! I’m 45 already!"  "It sounds like you are lacking compassion towards yourself and being judgmental with you," said my therapist. "Yeah, and why do you think that is?" I responded with a bit of a defensive voice. If being on the ground in despair and frozen again doesn’t scream “you need help,” I don’t know what else does. But it wasn’t just the ground. It was the mirror and my body and my face and my ...

Trigger warning! How long does it take to realize I am not okay? That I am in that place again. On Monday night I was in a dark place with a little bit of peace like never before. The kind that, hopefully, most of you don't know. It is a dangerous, peaceful moment when the heavy fight to keep going was unbearable and a part of me accepted I wanted to end the suffering. I texted my therapist in my despair, somehow, in the midst of heavy feelings of shame, or thinking she would get angry with me, drop me as a patient because how dare I was texting her on Monday night, probably seeking nothing but attention. She stayed with me until she knew I was safe. The truth is that by then my mind was already exhausted. I thought, "I am not okay," somewhere in the middle of the night when my mind was slowly and loudly screaming "what the hell just happened?!" These words, "I am not okay," have become of extreme importance in this journey. I thought I was going throu...

  My therapist gave me a letter I needed the other day. I was grateful for it, and hopeful for its result. Yet, I didn't read it- my body got tense and I started feeling a lot of anxiety, so I avoided the whole thing. The other day my physical therapist told me that my body is very tense, like in protection mode, and the inability to relax my body is keeping my muscles tight instead of allowing them to heal. She prescribed yoga. I had started it at the beginning of the year, but with so many exercises at home, plus everything else, I was struggling to keep up with it. My body is still doing it, trying to protect me, and although is so much better, it has affected my recovery tremendously. I wanted to tell her- "imagine doing yoga to relax when you don't know how you are going to pay for your mortgage next month." Still, I have been doing more of it - yoga. Breathing. I was having intense moments this week of not knowing if I have to be fighting all the time, telling m...

 I have been reflecting on this, lately, as I continue to step into an unfamiliar journey. Recovery was possible, but something forever changed. I believe that now, the same way I was fighting to heal and to get out of so much darkness, I am starting to redirect my fight. For hope. Joy. Beauty. It is a big win, for me, to make it to a point where I can mindfully work for something I lost for a long time- joy and hope.  There have been a lot of challenges that have affected my physical recovery; I will share more when I am better and able to mentally summarize and write more. I finally decided yesterday to stop putting so much pressure on wanting to blog, since it makes it worse. But a few important thoughts in this space feel nice and joyful. I hope everyone is doing okay. Here, Paty ♥ Love. Zeal. Balance.

  How it’s actually like to have mental health issues and trying to build a business- I finally opened my business bank account last week. Two hours of time, $15 in checking and $5 in savings.  I don’t know why, but I started having C-PTSD when I was there and it wasn’t until after I got home that I was able to slowly recover. Because of this, it took me a week to set up the online banking and to open the emails the bank sent. Every time I looked at an email from them, or thought about it, I was taken back to the same intense feelings, so I was avoiding it. I also worked a lot on pricing and creating packages, but this is an area I am struggling with. I have put a lot of time researching, asking questions, paying for advice, etc. I want to be fair to others, but I also want to be fair with myself & my needs. But the whole process was intense. The first time I sent a couple of prospects package price examples, and then one person immediately said: ‘It is not within our pric...