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I promised I would never do this again. But life is not like that.

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Today was my last day working with my brothers' company. I have been training my daughter Brenda so she can take over. I am broke. My health is not in good shape. I am still pretty limited with driving and many other things. Inflation is an issue. Yet, here I am.  The last time I was in this situation in 2018 I promised myself I would never do this again. I definitely have felt the heaviness of those thoughts these past months, until I realized that maybe I can't go around making these kinds of promises. Life is unpredictable, and things can change in unimaginable and unplanned ways. I know there will be challenges ahead, and I don't know if my business will succeed or fail. What I know is that this specific moment in my journey and my life, this is the right decision. I also know I will do everything in my power to make it work. While I figure out a way to take care of my health and heal, I will figure out ways to build the business. I hope you stay tuned for this new jour...
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Beyond our circumstances...

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 "dream beyond [your] circumstances and believe in greater possibilities." "This reminded me that when I finally become who I am meant to be, I should carry myself in a way that opens doors for others too. Someone is always watching, learning & finding hope through the way we live our lives. Sometimes your purpose is bigger than just you." Here, Paty ♥ Love. Zeal. Balance.
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The narrative.

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  CHANGE THE NARRATIVE. I have been thinking a lot about this, this week. I was also thinking that I want my generation to "inherent the courage to question everything we've normalized." Here, Paty ♥ Love. Zeal. Balance.
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That acceptance isn't approval.

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  A few notes on acceptance from my therapist this week: She first asked me: "how does acceptance look to you?" I responded: "peacefully accepting things as they are. From there, I can mentally manage and do what I need to do to help myself, physically & mentally." I continued saying that it is that peaceful moment where everything aligns that I'm craving. She said that maybe acceptance is first accepting the frustration I feel because I won't be able to enjoy summer again. Because it will be a while before I am able to hike, drive to the beach, stay active and drive longer distances.  She acknowledged that acceptance isn't approval; that it doesn't mean I am okay or that it is okay. It just means accepting the frustration, validating my feelings, and then concentrating on what I can control. It is also knowing that I have done everything in my power to help me and knowing that there is more to sill do.  It is in this moment, in therapy, that I f...
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Acknowledge, Accept, Move forward - A critical stage.

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My week was a bit difficult. On Saturday I was having bad headaches. Sunday and Monday I struggled a lot with my mental health. It was until Monday night that I finally gave up the struggle and realized my nervous system was dysregulated and I couldn't just fix it or run away from it. Brought myself to the reality that in those moments I can't see things clearly no matter how much I try. Nor feel positivity- it's not possible. So, finally on Monday night after two days of struggle I realized that what I needed was to regulate my nervous system. Nothing else. I started breathing with my normal routine of paying attention to my surroundings- "I am cutting carrots."  "The carrots are orange. " "I see trees outside my window. " "The trees are green."  "Oh, look, there is a raccoon eating the birds' food."  Then nostalgia hits because I have to do this. I feel it and move on from it. The next day I told my therapist that alth...
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There is no letting go without acceptance. And what is good, anyway?

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I realized this week that we can't let go if we don't accept things first. Exactly as they are. Without guilt. Acceptance comes first. And not just once.  Then comes the letting go. And the freedom. "Acceptance is freedom because you are ultimately deciding to stop fighting yourself." I read that letting go needs three qualities: acceptance. objective observation of the present moment. the effort to keep choosing more skillful actions than the past. And patiently because I don't like how it makes me feel, but I can't skip the messiness of the middle part. The magic happens here. I also had to google, first thing in the morning the other day after a night of panics & realizing that I am still struggling with deep insecurity. This one article listed three things, to overcome insecurity: having a voice. expressing your needs. knowing your value. My mind immediately & defensively goes to, "remember what happened the last time you expressed a need?...
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I am extremely overwhelmed. Now what?

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  But first, where is my little mouse? "Now become your mouse self. It can't see far, but it knows what's right in front of you. Ask it, "what's the smallest step I can take now to move me toward my eagle vision?" "Make sure the step is small. Mouse-small." When I am reaching that breaking point of being overwhelmed, I have to stop, breath, and just admit that I am overwhelmed. I woke up tired & overwhelmed this morning. It was improvement from yesterday being burnout. So, before I got off my bed, I went over all the reasons of why I am overwhelmed this week. Accepting is important, because my first reaction is trying to fight it, or feeling shame in my inability to control it. This week I applied for three business grants. One was easy and fast, but one was more intense. I took two two-hour webinars. Missed another one because I got the time wrong, and another because there was a lot of echo in zoom.  I had two bad sleepless nights. One because...
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