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Why are we here, now, in this specific moment in time?

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I was spending time trying to figure out what to write today. Something light, some words of motivation or encouragement to send your way, because I feel like it was a heavy week not just for me, but for many. But I was there, frozen, struggling to find some light in the chaos and the darkness, and the depression that hits sometimes, and the unexpected $2,000 quote to fix my car, and all the little things that keep breaking around the house, the fatigue from physical therapy, the news of the death of an old family friend, and, and... Then I wrote about something completely different. Deleted it. Massaged my neck in the heat of my room with no AC. Asked God for help. How can I pretend to say encouraging words when there is so much going on? The truth is that after two hours of trying to find inspiration myself, I think I failed. At least tonight. But I can leave you with this instead, this question, to ask yourself: Why are you still here? In this moment in time? In this Universe, with ...
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"When trauma becomes complex," C-PTSD.

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I came across a good explanation the other day, about what Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (C-PTSD) is, and I decided to share it to continue creating awareness since it is an illness that has affected me deeply, and few people know about what it is. This post was written by an account I follow dedicated to creating suicide awareness. "" C-PTSD can develop after experiencing repeated or long-term trauma, especially when a person feels trapped or unable to escape. This may include childhood abuse, or neglect, domestic violence, human trafficking, ongoing emotional abuse, prolonged bullying, or living in a war zone. Unlike PTSD, which is often linked to a single traumatic event, C-PTSD is associated with ongoing or repeated traumatic experiences. People living with C-PTSD may experience symptoms of PTSD, such as: Flashbacks or intrusive memories. Nightmares. Avoiding reminders of the trauma. Feeling constantly alert or on edge. But they might also struggle with: Difficul...
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Mt. Rainier, 2018. And how just one thing can declutter the brain.

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  I am so tired from the week, I didn't think I could write something.  About a month or two ago I finally finished editing ALL the photos from a trip to Rainier with Lucián in 2018. I deleted a lot. Others I re-edited.  Since I have been dealing with health problems, I haven't been able to do a complete deep cleaning in my house. The last time was in October, but it resulted in messing up my neck muscles even more, so I decided to stop. I slowly and periodically do as I can and as needed.  My desk has been a source of stress because when I work there, I feel overwhelmed- my mind needs clean and organized spaces, but other big things have priority now. Then I get more overwhelmed because I want to clean the whole house, and I can't, or I know how long just one task will take and it feels like too much. I finally accepted that this little thing actually keeps my mind in chaos, which results in more stress and less clarity. So, I finally cleaned it today. A big challen...
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Finding meaning where I am.

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When the insurance denied more physical therapy appointments and I had to stop, I had a feeling it was a bad idea. The physical therapist then assured me that I had made a lot of progress, and that with all the exercises she gave me to do at home, I would be okay. I wanted to believe her. Still, my intuition and my body were telling me otherwise. I knew I was making progress, but it was slowly, and I knew I still needed more work. I was also afraid that the progress I had made would reverse. And because I was improving, my chiropractor finally switched me from every two weeks to once a month. I lasted three weeks. Until I had to call him back to request a visit right away because I had been in a lot of pain, waiting to get better by doing the exercises, but without the proper care, I was getting worse. I told my chiropractor I needed more physical therapy and asked him if he could write me another referral and if he would help if the insurance denied it again. My treatment had been sto...
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About a concert. Shame, happy, and being present.

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I absolutely love concerts. I have only gone to a few in my life; they are expensive, and my mental health really took the life out of me.  This week I went to the first one by myself. I bought the ticket at the beginning of the year; I wanted to make sure to buy it before running out of money.  On Tuesday, in therapy, I told my therapist, "I don't know what I'm doing, going to concerts right now if I am struggling with these headaches. What if this is a bad idea?" But that feeling was connected to something deeper. I still have little moments of feeling I don't deserve good things. I also go into anxiety thinking something is going to go wrong, and whatever goes wrong it would be my fault because I was there. Alone. When I shouldn't have. "No!" This has been my response for quite some time now, "no, we are not going there." My therapist told me that it is actually a misconception we have as society, sending messages that internalize judgem...
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I promised I would never do this again. But life is not like that.

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Today was my last day working with my brothers' company. I have been training my daughter Brenda so she can take over. I am broke. My health is not in good shape. I am still pretty limited with driving and many other things. Inflation is an issue. Yet, here I am.  The last time I was in this situation in 2018 I promised myself I would never do this again. I definitely have felt the heaviness of those thoughts these past months, until I realized that maybe I can't go around making these kinds of promises. Life is unpredictable, and things can change in unimaginable and unplanned ways. I know there will be challenges ahead, and I don't know if my business will succeed or fail. What I know is that this specific moment in my journey and my life, this is the right decision. I also know I will do everything in my power to make it work. While I figure out a way to take care of my health and heal, I will figure out ways to build the business. I hope you stay tuned for this new jour...
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Beyond our circumstances...

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 "dream beyond [your] circumstances and believe in greater possibilities." "This reminded me that when I finally become who I am meant to be, I should carry myself in a way that opens doors for others too. Someone is always watching, learning & finding hope through the way we live our lives. Sometimes your purpose is bigger than just you." Here, Paty ♥ Love. Zeal. Balance.
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