Seven Golds

Trigger warning! How long does it take to realize I am not okay? That I am in that place again. On Monday night I was in a dark place with a little bit of peace like never before. The kind that, hopefully, most of you don't know. It is a dangerous, peaceful moment when the heavy fight to keep going was unbearable and a part of me accepted I wanted to end the suffering. I texted my therapist in my despair, somehow, in the midst of heavy feelings of shame, or thinking she would get angry with me, drop me as a patient because how dare I was texting her on Monday night, probably seeking nothing but attention. She stayed with me until she knew I was safe. The truth is that by then my mind was already exhausted. I thought, "I am not okay," somewhere in the middle of the night when my mind was slowly and loudly screaming "what the hell just happened?!" These words, "I am not okay," have become of extreme importance in this journey. I thought I was going throu...

  My therapist gave me a letter I needed the other day. I was grateful for it, and hopeful for its result. Yet, I didn't read it- my body got tense and I started feeling a lot of anxiety, so I avoided the whole thing. The other day my physical therapist told me that my body is very tense, like in protection mode, and the inability to relax my body is keeping my muscles tight instead of allowing them to heal. She prescribed yoga. I had started it at the beginning of the year, but with so many exercises at home, plus everything else, I was struggling to keep up with it. My body is still doing it, trying to protect me, and although is so much better, it has affected my recovery tremendously. I wanted to tell her- "imagine doing yoga to relax when you don't know how you are going to pay for your mortgage next month." Still, I have been doing more of it - yoga. Breathing. I was having intense moments this week of not knowing if I have to be fighting all the time, telling m...

 I have been reflecting on this, lately, as I continue to step into an unfamiliar journey. Recovery was possible, but something forever changed. I believe that now, the same way I was fighting to heal and to get out of so much darkness, I am starting to redirect my fight. For hope. Joy. Beauty. It is a big win, for me, to make it to a point where I can mindfully work for something I lost for a long time- joy and hope.  There have been a lot of challenges that have affected my physical recovery; I will share more when I am better and able to mentally summarize and write more. I finally decided yesterday to stop putting so much pressure on wanting to blog, since it makes it worse. But a few important thoughts in this space feel nice and joyful. I hope everyone is doing okay. Here, Paty ♥ Love. Zeal. Balance.

  How it’s actually like to have mental health issues and trying to build a business- I finally opened my business bank account last week. Two hours of time, $15 in checking and $5 in savings.  I don’t know why, but I started having C-PTSD when I was there and it wasn’t until after I got home that I was able to slowly recover. Because of this, it took me a week to set up the online banking and to open the emails the bank sent. Every time I looked at an email from them, or thought about it, I was taken back to the same intense feelings, so I was avoiding it. I also worked a lot on pricing and creating packages, but this is an area I am struggling with. I have put a lot of time researching, asking questions, paying for advice, etc. I want to be fair to others, but I also want to be fair with myself & my needs. But the whole process was intense. The first time I sent a couple of prospects package price examples, and then one person immediately said: ‘It is not within our pric...

I was spending time trying to figure out what to write today. Something light, some words of motivation or encouragement to send your way, because I feel like it was a heavy week not just for me, but for many. But I was there, frozen, struggling to find some light in the chaos and the darkness, and the depression that hits sometimes, and the unexpected $2,000 quote to fix my car, and all the little things that keep breaking around the house, the fatigue from physical therapy, the news of the death of an old family friend, and, and... Then I wrote about something completely different. Deleted it. Massaged my neck in the heat of my room with no AC. Asked God for help. How can I pretend to say encouraging words when there is so much going on? The truth is that after two hours of trying to find inspiration myself, I think I failed. At least tonight. But I can leave you with this instead, this question, to ask yourself: Why are you still here? In this moment in time? In this Universe, with ...

I came across a good explanation the other day, about what Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (C-PTSD) is, and I decided to share it to continue creating awareness since it is an illness that has affected me deeply, and few people know about what it is. This post was written by an account I follow dedicated to creating suicide awareness. "" C-PTSD can develop after experiencing repeated or long-term trauma, especially when a person feels trapped or unable to escape. This may include childhood abuse, or neglect, domestic violence, human trafficking, ongoing emotional abuse, prolonged bullying, or living in a war zone. Unlike PTSD, which is often linked to a single traumatic event, C-PTSD is associated with ongoing or repeated traumatic experiences. People living with C-PTSD may experience symptoms of PTSD, such as: Flashbacks or intrusive memories. Nightmares. Avoiding reminders of the trauma. Feeling constantly alert or on edge. But they might also struggle with: Difficul...