Seven Golds

  A few notes on acceptance from my therapist this week: She first asked me: "how does acceptance look to you?" I responded: "peacefully accepting things as they are. From there, I can mentally manage and do what I need to do to help myself, physically & mentally." I continued saying that it is that peaceful moment where everything aligns that I'm craving. She said that maybe acceptance is first accepting the frustration I feel because I won't be able to enjoy summer again. Because it will be a while before I am able to hike, drive to the beach, stay active and drive longer distances.  She acknowledged that acceptance isn't approval; that it doesn't mean I am okay or that it is okay. It just means accepting the frustration, validating my feelings, and then concentrating on what I can control. It is also knowing that I have done everything in my power to help me and knowing that there is more to sill do.  It is in this moment, in therapy, that I f...

My week was a bit difficult. On Saturday I was having bad headaches. Sunday and Monday I struggled a lot with my mental health. It was until Monday night that I finally gave up the struggle and realized my nervous system was dysregulated and I couldn't just fix it or run away from it. Brought myself to the reality that in those moments I can't see things clearly no matter how much I try. Nor feel positivity- it's not possible. So, finally on Monday night after two days of struggle I realized that what I needed was to regulate my nervous system. Nothing else. I started breathing with my normal routine of paying attention to my surroundings- "I am cutting carrots."  "The carrots are orange. " "I see trees outside my window. " "The trees are green."  "Oh, look, there is a raccoon eating the birds' food."  Then nostalgia hits because I have to do this. I feel it and move on from it. The next day I told my therapist that alth...

I realized this week that we can't let go if we don't accept things first. Exactly as they are. Without guilt. Acceptance comes first. And not just once.  Then comes the letting go. And the freedom. "Acceptance is freedom because you are ultimately deciding to stop fighting yourself." I read that letting go needs three qualities: acceptance. objective observation of the present moment. the effort to keep choosing more skillful actions than the past. And patiently because I don't like how it makes me feel, but I can't skip the messiness of the middle part. The magic happens here. I also had to google, first thing in the morning the other day after a night of panics & realizing that I am still struggling with deep insecurity. This one article listed three things, to overcome insecurity: having a voice. expressing your needs. knowing your value. My mind immediately & defensively goes to, "remember what happened the last time you expressed a need?...

  But first, where is my little mouse? "Now become your mouse self. It can't see far, but it knows what's right in front of you. Ask it, "what's the smallest step I can take now to move me toward my eagle vision?" "Make sure the step is small. Mouse-small." When I am reaching that breaking point of being overwhelmed, I have to stop, breath, and just admit that I am overwhelmed. I woke up tired & overwhelmed this morning. It was improvement from yesterday being burnout. So, before I got off my bed, I went over all the reasons of why I am overwhelmed this week. Accepting is important, because my first reaction is trying to fight it, or feeling shame in my inability to control it. This week I applied for three business grants. One was easy and fast, but one was more intense. I took two two-hour webinars. Missed another one because I got the time wrong, and another because there was a lot of echo in zoom.  I had two bad sleepless nights. One because...

On Saturday I asked the boys if they could drive to a little event at the University of Washington in Tacoma; I wanted to introduce myself and leave my business card to a business that was going to be there. I was surprised that I felt the need to take a few photographs. I had a difficult week with the headaches, but on Saturday I was feeling okay and it made me happy. I evaluated my decision to go very carefully, given the fact that I get trigger headaches just by being in the car for a long time. But the drive was only 1/2 an hour each way, so I figured it would be okay. Then Sunday happened. I went into depression really quick with a whole range of intrusive thoughts. The pressure of depression and the heavy work of trying to save myself triggered the headaches badly.  Sunday night I was experiencing what is called a 'dark night of the soul.' I have experienced this before, more than once, but it had been a while. I have been going from feeling lost, confused, in despair, to...

I realized really quick that the rebuilding phase will not be easy. I already spent the loan my mom gave me. A lot went into medical bills and mortgage.  My income tax return was little this year, and it is already going into medical expenses. My insurance is no longer covering for chiropractor visits, and it denied more physical therapy. I am currently paying out-of-pocket, but I know soon I won't be able to. The new clients I was excited about and counting on are not working out or are not ready. I had a difficult week with my headaches and back pain this week. This affected my mental health. My physical health affects my mental health, and my mental health affects my physical health.  I have also been overwhelmed as fuck! It became clearer, this week, after therapy and sleepless nights that if I my chronic stress is not managed, I have no chance of a full recovery; I am still hoping. I'm also in this space of trying to figure out how to live, recover joy, rebuild a life and...