Relapses, connecting with reality (truly), and finding myself (a little).


Putting reality in perspective. 

I think I am still trying to find that balance between acceptance and fighting for my mental wellbeing and a better tomorrow. 

When another relapse happens it completely throws me off. I start feeling like all the progress I made is gone. I feel stuck again, quick and fast. If in those difficult moments I am able to find one tiny second of clarity to tell myself my betraying thoughts are not true, I can save myself. Even if I can’t see that reality. 

I discovered that two things are true:

- Relapses happen even if I continue to struggle to admit it. And it doesn’t mean I lost all of my progress.

- They are setbacks and when I am recovering from them it actually feels like I am starting all over again. Because I feel lost, mentally unstable & exhausted, and my brain needs to be re-wired again. I need to bring myself back; remember who I am, and what my struggle is. I actually go back to my journal, to read my notes, so I can reconnect with myself. I also need to ask my therapist to remind me my diagnosis and struggles because I need to know there is nothing wrong with me.

But something else is true. Every time they happen, I pay more and more attention. It is especially true with this last one.

Every time I felt heightened and going into depression, I took note of exactly what I was feeling and what was happening at the moment. I needed to make sure to bring that to therapy to figure out why I can easily have depressive episodes. I also did the work by myself; every time I was having thoughts that were depressive, I took notice of my thoughts and feelings. For that, I chose to stay away from social media and the news for little over a week to process, clear my head, and recover. 

I also realized that I am finding myself embracing, fully embracing my mental health more instead of trying to run away.  I am becoming more comfortable in doing it consciously so I can practice what I have learned and continue learning. It takes some practice and frustration throughout my day, but I am hoping to gain a little more resilience. 

Acceptance continues to be important. Patience with myself even more. I am becoming more comfortable saying this is who I am. I have a few mental illnesses that are part of my life each day. But I am still fighting.

Here,

Paty ♥



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