Seven Golds

“I am not okay; I need help!” “I need help to be able to move forward and to continue because I already tried so many times and in this specific moment, I can’t do it alone. I know I can’t. I don’t know how to.” I told my therapist yesterday, with my voice shaking. A cry for help in the face of defeat. Accepting this, again, is perhaps the most difficult thing to do. "Why am I here again?” Which comes from a place of “I shouldn’t be here anymore.” "My mental health situation should be fixed already." "My life should be fixed and in order. Fuck! I’m 45 already!"  "It sounds like you are lacking compassion towards yourself and being judgmental with you," said my therapist. "Yeah, and why do you think that is?" I responded with a bit of a defensive voice. If being on the ground in despair and frozen again doesn’t scream “you need help,” I don’t know what else does. But it wasn’t just the ground. It was the mirror and my body and my face and my ...

Trigger warning! How long does it take to realize I am not okay? That I am in that place again. On Monday night I was in a dark place with a little bit of peace like never before. The kind that, hopefully, most of you don't know. It is a dangerous, peaceful moment when the heavy fight to keep going was unbearable and a part of me accepted I wanted to end the suffering. I texted my therapist in my despair, somehow, in the midst of heavy feelings of shame, or thinking she would get angry with me, drop me as a patient because how dare I was texting her on Monday night, probably seeking nothing but attention. She stayed with me until she knew I was safe. The truth is that by then my mind was already exhausted. I thought, "I am not okay," somewhere in the middle of the night when my mind was slowly and loudly screaming "what the hell just happened?!" These words, "I am not okay," have become of extreme importance in this journey. I thought I was going throu...

  My therapist gave me a letter I needed the other day. I was grateful for it, and hopeful for its result. Yet, I didn't read it- my body got tense and I started feeling a lot of anxiety, so I avoided the whole thing. The other day my physical therapist told me that my body is very tense, like in protection mode, and the inability to relax my body is keeping my muscles tight instead of allowing them to heal. She prescribed yoga. I had started it at the beginning of the year, but with so many exercises at home, plus everything else, I was struggling to keep up with it. My body is still doing it, trying to protect me, and although is so much better, it has affected my recovery tremendously. I wanted to tell her- "imagine doing yoga to relax when you don't know how you are going to pay for your mortgage next month." Still, I have been doing more of it - yoga. Breathing. I was having intense moments this week of not knowing if I have to be fighting all the time, telling m...

 I have been reflecting on this, lately, as I continue to step into an unfamiliar journey. Recovery was possible, but something forever changed. I believe that now, the same way I was fighting to heal and to get out of so much darkness, I am starting to redirect my fight. For hope. Joy. Beauty. It is a big win, for me, to make it to a point where I can mindfully work for something I lost for a long time- joy and hope.  There have been a lot of challenges that have affected my physical recovery; I will share more when I am better and able to mentally summarize and write more. I finally decided yesterday to stop putting so much pressure on wanting to blog, since it makes it worse. But a few important thoughts in this space feel nice and joyful. I hope everyone is doing okay. Here, Paty ♥ Love. Zeal. Balance.