My body doesn't know yet that it is okay to relax.

 

My therapist gave me a letter I needed the other day. I was grateful for it, and hopeful for its result. Yet, I didn't read it- my body got tense and I started feeling a lot of anxiety, so I avoided the whole thing.

The other day my physical therapist told me that my body is very tense, like in protection mode, and the inability to relax my body is keeping my muscles tight instead of allowing them to heal.

She prescribed yoga. I had started it at the beginning of the year, but with so many exercises at home, plus everything else, I was struggling to keep up with it.

My body is still doing it, trying to protect me, and although is so much better, it has affected my recovery tremendously.

I wanted to tell her- "imagine doing yoga to relax when you don't know how you are going to pay for your mortgage next month."

Still, I have been doing more of it - yoga. Breathing.

I was having intense moments this week of not knowing if I have to be fighting all the time, telling myself to keep going and that I got this. Or if I actually needed to accept how much all of it sucks.

Because the fight to be all right was becoming heavier.

I realized how hard I am being on myself, trying to keep it all together, gracefully. When in reality there is a lot that I am carrying right now.

My body doesn't know yet that it is okay to relax. And if it is faced with hardships, it immediately senses danger and starts working to protect me and keep me safe.

When our bodies have carried trauma, chronic stress, chronic depression, and more for so long, their main job and reaction is to protect us. It is bad, but in a way is a sign of love; trying to keep us protected. So, this past week, I was able to see how much I am carrying, how difficult it actually is, and I started feeling tenderness towards my body and myself. 

Our bodies and nervous system need to be trained until they know it's safe. For some of us, maybe it's a daily practice. 

Maybe one day it won't.

My body is not meant to carry so much tension, stress, mental illnesses or hardship after hardship. Nobody's body is. I am beginning to truly feel this and believe, actually believe, that I need tenderness and understanding.

Here,

Paty ♥
Love. Zeal. Balance.

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