Dark Nights of The Soul.


On Saturday I asked the boys if they could drive to a little event at the University of Washington in Tacoma; I wanted to introduce myself and leave my business card to a business that was going to be there. I was surprised that I felt the need to take a few photographs. I had a difficult week with the headaches, but on Saturday I was feeling okay and it made me happy. I evaluated my decision to go very carefully, given the fact that I get trigger headaches just by being in the car for a long time. But the drive was only 1/2 an hour each way, so I figured it would be okay.

Then Sunday happened.

I went into depression really quick with a whole range of intrusive thoughts. The pressure of depression and the heavy work of trying to save myself triggered the headaches badly. 

Sunday night I was experiencing what is called a 'dark night of the soul.' I have experienced this before, more than once, but it had been a while.

I have been going from feeling lost, confused, in despair, to finding moments of peace and clarity. Then back to despair, fear, and derailing myself while saving myself. Old destructive patterns take over often, followed by me saying 'no more.'

Old versions of myself are trying to die while another part of me is trying to be reborn. I am shedding what I have outgrown. Old versions, old patterns trying to die while a version of myself is trying to come forward.

This process is exhausting. I am tired with this heavy need of wanting to sleep a lot and just wanting to be alone and in silence. I am doing my best right now to make it through it all. 

Meanwhile, in this confusion and exhaustion, I called more potential clients. I followed up more. I emailed, cried, saved myself. Felt hope, dreamed a little. Lost it again. Tried again. During some heavy days I also reminded myself that sometimes I don’t need to feel joy; I just have to do what I need to do and make it through the day. 

I cried a lot. Once in PT out of back pain. Then more out of intense headaches and my inability to take painkillers. Then again just because how hard everything is. 

I also enjoyed the photos I took. 

I enjoyed that the boys allowed me to take photos while they complained about me wanting a selfie with them.

I enjoyed my daughter's dog sleeping on my bed while I was stressed out with some work problems that kept showing up one after another, on Friday.

I enjoyed how when I was joking about money and mortgage, my nephew said, "well, we can just live in a box."

I enjoyed that Lucián comes home to bake.

Or when my son calls me just to see how I am doing.

And although is hard, I enjoy the discipline I have to do my head and back exercises at home. Every single day. Even if sometimes it's after eleven at night, or if I cry out of pain.

Taking myself big breaths, often. And giving myself grace. 






Here,

Paty ♥
Love. Zeal. Balance.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Lucián.

Image
Lucián just graduated High School last week.  Throughout the school years, there were a lot of moments I didn't know if we were going to make it to the finish line. But now we are here, and I couldn't be prouder! I am also grateful and relieved. I still need to process the fact that all of my kids are out of school, with the exception of Angel & college. I no longer have to worry about school and assignments and grades. Or whether or not they will make it. College is different.  I enjoyed her graduation ceremony a lot; I felt present, alive.  My brother and my oldest daughter started planning her graduation party since the beginning of the year. When I found out I was still doing the difficult phase of EMDR, and my mental health was still in bad shape; I couldn't even imagine been able to do any planning, or help. I had a lot of moments thinking that if I couldn't get better and all I could do was to show up and be there for her, that that was good enough; that it w...
Read more

Something Positive.

Image
Yesterday I was going through old photographs for my daughter's Lucián's high school graduation coming up in June.  I have photos going all the way back to 2018; photos I was never able to finish editing, and that I seriously thought I was never going to get to them. Slowly, since last year, I have been able to get to those folders and delete a lot of those photos. Some I am deleting because they just take me back to my worst moments with mental health. Others because I can see them with different eyes now, and they were just not good photos. And others because the editing was also not good. I realized how much my depression and distress was showing in the photos I was taking. Last night I noticed something important. For the first time, I felt that even though one of the reasons the photographs take me back to feel the horrible emotions I was feeling about myself, this time, I felt something different; something positive. You see, I recognized the fact that I was trying, at th...
Read more

The link between concussions and suicidal ideation.

Image
This post is to create awareness between concussions, which are more common in females, and those who have migraines, mental health problems and had a prior concussion, which I had when I had the car accident. Having concussions and mental health issues can be very scary. I asked my therapist last week, “what was that? Because it scared the hell out of me and I need to understand. It wasn’t my normal darkness taking me down. It was more scary and fast and real.” These were my thoughts as Angel was getting out the door late morning on Saturday, 4th of July weekend and I was  staying home with a mild concussion.  As I washed a few dishes I recognized my suicidal thoughts, mainly because they were more intense and out of the blue. My own thoughts scared me, especially knowing I was home alone and vulnerable. But because it scared me, I was able to quickly get out of there and save myself. “Oh no!! We are not doing this!” I said to myself. My therapist said that there is a link be...
Read more