In defeat and wisdom.

“If I am going to continue in this journey of trying to build a business, I need to have a vision of what I need to do and create a plan accordingly. Even if it isn't perfect, at least I need to see where this is going.”

I was internally telling this to myself a few weeks back, when my mental health started to decline due to the high demands of the business, my physical health, and running out of money. Although I don’t know what came first. 

Every time I deteriorate in such a way I know some things need to change. It’s just difficult to see those things with a dysregulated nervous system. I scheduled some meetings with a few business professionals looking for some business advice. I was looking for something, but I knew I didn’t know what exactly. I also didn’t know that towards the end of the last meeting I had already received my answer and reached a decision.

The decision that my heart knew in that moment it was the right one, but my mind had hoped for a different outcome. Still, I also decided I wasn’t going to make it official until I talked with my therapist. 

By now, I also wanted to create a different plan moving forward, and I was in so much distress I needed help. But that is the next step in this unraveling of life changing decisions.

I came to conclude that I just couldn’t continue trying to pursue building a new business; just that alone was demanding all of me. Adding my physical and mental health, plus financial struggles, it became impossible. The loud question I had been carrying on my head became a real question, not just an exclamation-

Is this really what I want to do?

If yes, why?

And after the why, how do I do it?

Honestly, the why never quite became clear. I forced it; spent hours writing it down, But it never felt right; I can see it now.

I accepted it with peace. Then the grief came. The difficulty of realizing everything I had lost in the process of this business, as well as in my physical health recovery.

I felt the heaviness of defeat. For the lost money, the lost time, the lost dreams and plans and hard work.

In a good note, I realized, I was grateful that the grief followed so soon, meaning I am in touch with my emotions now.

Then the day came when I also knew I had to release, when the defeat started to feel too heavy. 

I have come to understand that defeat is not my enemy. It carries certain humility and wisdom about reality, acceptance, lessons. And about the next step in my journey.

Here,

Paty 🖤
Love. zeal. Balance.