Finding meaning where I am.

When the insurance denied more physical therapy appointments and I had to stop, I had a feeling it was a bad idea. The physical therapist then assured me that I had made a lot of progress, and that with all the exercises she gave me to do at home, I would be okay.

I wanted to believe her. Still, my intuition and my body were telling me otherwise. I knew I was making progress, but it was slowly, and I knew I still needed more work. I was also afraid that the progress I had made would reverse.

And because I was improving, my chiropractor finally switched me from every two weeks to once a month.

I lasted three weeks. Until I had to call him back to request a visit right away because I had been in a lot of pain, waiting to get better by doing the exercises, but without the proper care, I was getting worse. I told my chiropractor I needed more physical therapy and asked him if he could write me another referral and if he would help if the insurance denied it again.

My treatment had been stopped without full recovery because my insurance decided it was no longer medically necessary. By now, I had enough mental strength to get ready to put up a fight with them, if needed. I kept thinking, whenever I felt mentally overwhelmed and on the edge of derailing, "If God made me a fighter, then fight I must."

Also, I finally had enough strength to call my insurance company for a list of Providers for me to find a primary care physician. At the end of last year, the clinic where I had been going for the past twenty years stopped taking my insurance and I had to decide if I wanted to switch them, or switch insurance. I ended up switching both. That medical facility, like many others, became less concerned with the health and care of patients, and I had been pushing it for too long. 

I wanted to finally find a doctor, just for the headaches, for now. Maybe create a better plan and ask her if she could appeal in case I got another insurance denial.

The day I called the insurance for a list of Providers I had a bad headache. I had to call them twice because the first time they didn't send the list like they said they would. Then call doctor offices to see who can take me in, as a new patient, as soon as possible. But before that, make sure that they are actually still contracted with my insurance, because, hey, just because your insurance said they are, it doesn't mean they actually are.

The insurance approved six more visits. Then six more- I am almost out of them again. My doctor requested thirty-six, and she said she will appeal and make sure I get them. Still, every time I am getting closer to the six, I get tense. It was until this week, when I worked with a different physical therapist who also specializes in concussions and in working with neck muscles that I finally felt some relief. Some hope that maybe one day I can go back to normal. 

I was finally told that I can't do the stairs, not even for five minutes. Because it spikes my heart rate too fast and it prevents recovery. But I have to walk 15-20 minutes every day. I was also using a lot of heat and ice on my neck, but my skin started to get a reaction, so I had to stop. I only use the ice, periodically, if I have to.

Last week I had seven appointments. Six of them were medical appointments. One was with the new doctor, and another for the neck x-ray she ordered. Plus the added PT exercises to do at home, including brain exercises to help me heal that concussion that was never treated. I struggle with these ones the most because I need to do them 3-5 times a day, and they hurt my brain. I was so tired by the end of the week, that I spent the holiday weekend on bed. I got up to eat, exercises, and walking, which resulted in a lot of tension on my neck muscles. I am still learning on how to take care of myself. 

One of the quotes I found and kept going back to is from Mark Nepo, and it says: "Having lived most of my life in fear of what's coming, how can I find meaning where I am?"

Every day, I ask myself, "How do I find meaning, right now, today, in this moment, in this space, with what I have in front of me?"

With what I can do.

Here,

Paty ♥
Love. Zeal. Balance.