I already know the whys. Now I need to figure out the hows.

I realized really quick that the rebuilding phase will not be easy.

I already spent the loan my mom gave me. A lot went into medical bills and mortgage. 

My income tax return was little this year, and it is already going into medical expenses.

My insurance is no longer covering for chiropractor visits, and it denied more physical therapy. I am currently paying out-of-pocket, but I know soon I won't be able to.

The new clients I was excited about and counting on are not working out or are not ready.

I had a difficult week with my headaches and back pain this week. This affected my mental health. My physical health affects my mental health, and my mental health affects my physical health. 

I have also been overwhelmed as fuck!

It became clearer, this week, after therapy and sleepless nights that if I my chronic stress is not managed, I have no chance of a full recovery; I am still hoping.

I'm also in this space of trying to figure out how to live, recover joy, rebuild a life and rebuild hope, while I continue working with my mental health and ways to not allow myself to derail.

Yesterday, when I was in pain and tired from being in pain and starting to feel depressed, I made the choice that I won't let my future and my life be dictated by my circumstances. 

I don't know how yet.

I keep going back to this part in a book, over and over:

"You must never confuse faith that you will prevail in the end- which you can never afford to lose- with the discipline to confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be."

I go back to it when the fear that I won't be able to build a business becomes loud and dark. Or when I derail into the fears that my pain might become chronic and I won't be able to do things like hiking, exercising, and driving more than one hour. Travel or simply do normal things like working and pushing a Costco cart. 

Here,

Paty ♥
Love. Zeal. Balance.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Lucián.

Image
Lucián just graduated High School last week.  Throughout the school years, there were a lot of moments I didn't know if we were going to make it to the finish line. But now we are here, and I couldn't be prouder! I am also grateful and relieved. I still need to process the fact that all of my kids are out of school, with the exception of Angel & college. I no longer have to worry about school and assignments and grades. Or whether or not they will make it. College is different.  I enjoyed her graduation ceremony a lot; I felt present, alive.  My brother and my oldest daughter started planning her graduation party since the beginning of the year. When I found out I was still doing the difficult phase of EMDR, and my mental health was still in bad shape; I couldn't even imagine been able to do any planning, or help. I had a lot of moments thinking that if I couldn't get better and all I could do was to show up and be there for her, that that was good enough; that it w...
Read more

Something Positive.

Image
Yesterday I was going through old photographs for my daughter's Lucián's high school graduation coming up in June.  I have photos going all the way back to 2018; photos I was never able to finish editing, and that I seriously thought I was never going to get to them. Slowly, since last year, I have been able to get to those folders and delete a lot of those photos. Some I am deleting because they just take me back to my worst moments with mental health. Others because I can see them with different eyes now, and they were just not good photos. And others because the editing was also not good. I realized how much my depression and distress was showing in the photos I was taking. Last night I noticed something important. For the first time, I felt that even though one of the reasons the photographs take me back to feel the horrible emotions I was feeling about myself, this time, I felt something different; something positive. You see, I recognized the fact that I was trying, at th...
Read more

“What is my story?”

Image
(Photo was taken by my son)  I have therapy on Tuesdays and Wednesdays each week. Although I’m getting better, it is still a lot of work. Normally by Tuesday, I’m realizing now, my nervous system is already dysregulated and I urgently need therapy to ground myself. Sometimes I am afraid I have become dependent on therapy and that I might need it for the rest of my life. But we are not there yet; I do hope that at least I can move to once a week instead of two soon. Lately, I have been working on ideas for my new business, doing research and applying for licenses in the evenings and on Saturday mornings. Today I was feeling overwhelmed by the whole thing so I thought about the blog and writing. The other day when I was feeling on edge, I checked Mark Nepo’s IG page, for inspiration. I saved a quote from him and I try to ground myself with it, often: “Lift your story like a sandbag and pass it on. It will do more good than you can know.” Sometimes when my brain is betraying me, I can...
Read more