Seven Golds

I have borderline personality disorder symptoms. I had forgotten all about it. I started therapy again, at the beginning of this year. But it has been so challenging! I have faced so many adversities completely out of my control that have set me back, a lot of times. I have had weeks without therapy, several times, for different reasons. And in only six months I had to, involuntarily, switch therapists. I am with my third one now. Every time it has been a major setback, since is like starting all over again, from the beginning.  In the dark hole of my mental health, I was forced to ask myself questions- important questions. Why do I get like this?  It doesn't feel normal. I realized it has to do with borderline personality disorder (BPD). I was able to look back; look at the present and see all the suffering and pain from this illness. Sometimes it gets extremely ugly. I have experienced psychosis episodes already. And the not wanting to live days happen more than I wish. Mond...

I was lucky that I was able to take these photographs at the beginning of June. And that they followed me to Dungeness Point last minute.  Paty ♥

I wanted to speak about the last past weeks, but today was a bit too much, so I decided that, today, was just enough for today.  I will leave you with a few photos I took two weeks ago. You can't really see it, but it was raining pretty hard. It has been raining a lot in the West. Thankfully, today we got a break. I was thinking I might need a boat, just like some people in other areas. I will also share a few quotes that have helped me through the difficult days, but not the deep ones because they are as deep as their meaning. "Deep within sadness is the purest optimism; that things could be better than this. It knows of joy. It calls for good. It hopes for its return". "Tom Brady has won enough". Yes, he has. "When you walk into the room... my mouth becomes a cathedral of imperfect teeth. My entire jaw locks into a prayer circle. My smile turns 7 am and morphs a choir of fireflies. I hope to sing forever like this". "Everyone needs connection. W...

 ACCEPTANCE. The power of acceptance.  It was only a day or two, that I had learnt about this disorder. That I was processing it.  And I was experiencing this intense anger, again. Wondering the same - is this forever? I was tense, with a lot of resistance. Yes- it felt lighter. Easier. To know why I was going through it. But the resistance. The shame. The wondering when is this going to be over, were there. And then, I start to let go. I relaxed my muscles. What if this is it?  What if I accept this as a way of living?  That I actually have this disorder, and it's ok? What if I truly accept that IT IS OK? Really. That this is me. That this is who I am. This is my reality. I WAS TIRED. I am. Of this idea of getting better. Of arriving at this place of perfection, standing all confident and strong, ready to take on a world that sometimes not even I want.  I. am. Tired.  Of imagining that place that never seems to come. To arrive. LET GO. Let go of the i...

The whole picture (or most of it).  And courage. Lots and lots of it. Suddenly, I was able to understand the picture that is my life. At least understand it in more capacity, because there are a few pieces that I still don't understand, completely. Yes, I have had the good jobs that I left. It is a pattern that later in life I noticed, paid for it, and I committed to never again. A lot of times, in my times of feeling bad, I wondered why I did this.  I wondered if there was something wrong with me. I thought that maybe it was just my big, selfish ego. At the time, when I was fixing this, internally, I understood how ungrateful and unselfish I had been. I learnt a lot from it.  Yes, I left, or ignored, a few positive relationships. When I realized it, later in life, I thought I was just stupid and immature. Wondered, again, if there was something wrong with me. Yes, a while back, I realized my pattern. A pattern that began in my teenage years of unstable, risky, intensive ...

 Borderline Personality disorder - Maybe I heard such a name in the past, but never stopped to think anything about it. I didn't think I had such a thing. In reality, I believe that in most cases one doesn't think you have it. But the other day a friend posted something similar to the following, in FB: Children who are ignored, neglected, mistreated, degraded, or separated from a parent (s), raises the risk for Borderline personality disorder.  I felt something inside me. As if I had figured something I was missing. A missing piece to my puzzle- perhaps the piece. But I thought it was only about my personality not been completely developed because I have been in survival mode my whole life, that my personality was just stuck there. So I thought.  But I had my missing piece now!!  I had been doing more work, internally. To complete my healing, my recovery. Get better. Move on. Then I started feeling stuck, again. That is why I didn't write in the blog for the past we...

  Things holding me,  in times of healing, recovering, depression and traumas. Since the accident, I have been feeling light-headed, a bit dizzy, some muscle pain and back pain. As of yesterday with nausea, while dealing with insurance companies- I knew it was not going to be easy, especially in an era of COVID 19. I already experienced a few moments of feeling down. Emotional. Vulnerable and about to break.  Moments of depression knocking on my soul. Of feeling that I am dealing with so much emotionally- Really trying my best to recover, heal, move forward. To feel a sense of aliveness and hope.  Lately I have been working a lot on not letting myself go down. Really down. My therapist told me not long ago that right now, a few things didn't matter- Joy, happiness, positivity, etc. None of that matters in this place, she said. What matters is that you don't allow that strong thing that pulls you down - pull you down. And that is exactly what I have been doing - Tryin...