Borderline Personality Disorder - Final part

 ACCEPTANCE.

The power of acceptance. 

It was only a day or two, that I had learnt about this disorder. That I was processing it. 

And I was experiencing this intense anger, again. Wondering the same - is this forever? I was tense, with a lot of resistance. Yes- it felt lighter. Easier. To know why I was going through it. But the resistance. The shame. The wondering when is this going to be over, were there.

And then, I start to let go. I relaxed my muscles. What if this is it? 

What if I accept this as a way of living? 

That I actually have this disorder, and it's ok?

What if I truly accept that IT IS OK?

Really.

That this is me. That this is who I am. This is my reality.

I WAS TIRED. I am.

Of this idea of getting better. Of arriving at this place of perfection, standing all confident and strong, ready to take on a world that sometimes not even I want. 

I. am. Tired. 

Of imagining that place that never seems to come. To arrive.

LET GO.

Let go of the idea of arriving there. Of getting better. Of healing- is there such a thing, anyway?

Let go of expectations. My own, wrong, unrealistic expectations. 

And the expectations of others. Of that idea, that now seems like an illusion, of showing up and saying, 'here I am. I made it. I am strong and powerful.'

I am not. And it is ok. It is ok because it is my reality. 

These ideas are no longer serving me. In fact, they have become so toxic and are preventing me from actually moving forward.

I want to stay here. As I am. Whole. Complex. Difficult. With my borderline personality disorder. My complex post-traumatic-stress-disorder, which will never go away, by the way, completely, but another post. With my highly-sensitivity. My flaws. I want to stay as I am, because I can't stay as anyone else. 

With my reality, because everything else is an illusion.

I have tried way too long already. I have worked through it all. And it seems that, now, all that is left, is to accept.

To let go. And accept.

And learn to live with it.

Soon, my questions changed. 

From how do I end this, to how do I live with this? With this disorders?

And most importantly, how do I empower myself with it? 

How do I empower myself with my reality, my disorders? My experience?

How do I use what I have, to maybe help others in the same struggle? 

Struggles of mental health?

Maybe I have struggled my whole life, wanting to be accepted, that it took me all these years to start accepting my Self and my reality and my truths.

I just read this quote yesterday:

"To accept yourself is to tell yourself the truth about your current situation and the responsibility that comes with it, bringing to consciousness who you could be and choosing to run towards that."

Maybe my real freedom comes when I accept. When I accept myself, exactly as I am, where I am, how I am. With all my realities, truths, struggles. And let go of expectations. And much more.

Perhaps I empower myself when I change my questions and my perspectives, to empowering questions. When I see the beauty in the ugly. When I get curious on how to use, to my advantage instead of against me, and how to serve others with it, instead of always running away from it.

Perhaps, just maybe, acceptance is freedom. Followed by a form of power. That serves a good purpose. To my own advantage. 

And the advantage of others. Because I know I am not alone.

I am not here, as I thought so many times I would be, writing about getting up, with the worst behind me. I am here with my raw self. And I actually, for the first time in many years, am falling in love with this imperfect idea. This imperfect Self.

Paty ♥