Adjusting to life: Dealing with depression and life difficulties at the same time.

 

Things holding me,  in times of healing, recovering, depression and traumas.

Since the accident, I have been feeling light-headed, a bit dizzy, some muscle pain and back pain. As of yesterday with nausea, while dealing with insurance companies- I knew it was not going to be easy, especially in an era of COVID 19.

I already experienced a few moments of feeling down. Emotional. Vulnerable and about to break. 

Moments of depression knocking on my soul.

Of feeling that I am dealing with so much emotionally-

Really trying my best to recover, heal, move forward.

To feel a sense of aliveness and hope. 

Lately I have been working a lot on not letting myself go down.

Really down.

My therapist told me not long ago that right now, a few things didn't matter-

Joy, happiness, positivity, etc.

None of that matters in this place, she said. What matters is that you don't allow that strong thing that pulls you down - pull you down.

And that is exactly what I have been doing -

Trying.

Sometimes I have more success than other times.

Then I re-try. Do better. 

Today, when I was having a moment of some anxiety and depression thinking I have to deal with all of this now in a time of emotional distress and depression, while experiencing nauseas and worries-

I could feel how it can be a moment to get depressed.

I stopped and I told myself that if I get depressed, I was going to take it one minute at a time. While I take care of everything else. I imagined myself in a hospital bed (if things had been worse). I imagined taking care of all the related paperwork and claims and insurance. And I saw myself smiling, doing it with gratitude and with no inconvenience. Perhaps there is something about hospital beds that make people realize life is precious- I don't know.

Then I told myself, "why don't you use that same attitude now, from the comfort of this house?"

So I got to work. Ran into bumps. I know the road ahead with insurance companies and fixing the car and possibly (I hope not) more medical visits/bills will not be easy. 

But one day at a time. I have a few things I remind myself, often, and are helping during moments of emotional distress -

"As you enter your day, try not to reach for life. Try not to leave or arrive. Try to let life enter you."

"It becomes a sorry occupation, beating oneself up for the one seed that didn't take."

    Mark Nepo

"Perhaps the shortest and most powerful prayer in human language is help." Father Thomas Keating

I am also working on clearing my mind- to just clear it and connect with my soul. 

Surrendering to my deepest self.

A strong one, lately, that I repeat to myself a lot throughout the day, especially when I am having deep dark moments-

Is that I remind me that I can't live like this.

That this is not how I will spend the rest of my life-

In this state. 

I think is the rejection of such condition that provides some strength and willpower that I so much need. 

Perhaps I am finally learning to be vulnerable while I also feel a touch of strength.

To feel anxious, yet experience a small light of hope.

All at the same time.

Paty ♥

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