Borderline Personality disorder - Part 2
Suddenly, I was able to understand the picture that is my life. At least understand it in more capacity, because there are a few pieces that I still don't understand, completely.
Yes, I have had the good jobs that I left. It is a pattern that later in life I noticed, paid for it, and I committed to never again. A lot of times, in my times of feeling bad, I wondered why I did this.
I wondered if there was something wrong with me. I thought that maybe it was just my big, selfish ego. At the time, when I was fixing this, internally, I understood how ungrateful and unselfish I had been. I learnt a lot from it.
Yes, I left, or ignored, a few positive relationships. When I realized it, later in life, I thought I was just stupid and immature.
Wondered, again, if there was something wrong with me.
Yes, a while back, I realized my pattern. A pattern that began in my teenage years of unstable, risky, intensive and super unhealthy bad relationships. They only increased my fear of abandonment, and rejection to an unhealthy and unstable state.
But before I recognized it, I asked myself so many times if there was something wrong with me. If I didn't have the capacity or the ability to not put myself in these situations. My self-confidence had already being damaged, so I lost complete trust in myself.
The rapid changes in self-identity and self-image. Especially my self-image; how I see myself. I had these episodes, as a child and as a teenager. It became more frequent, as an adult, until it became my reality.
The shifting in goals- it used to happen a lot too -. Not during my worst, because in my deep depression, my only goal was to survive.
What was wrong with me?
I have had the periods of stress and paranoia. And the loss of contact with reality. Oh yes! It is not fun. To feel detached; completely detached. It worsen and intensified to such an extent during the major depression. Not many months ago, I realized how disconnected I still was, so I started paying attention. To stop and stay. But it was more of stopping to say 'this is happening. This is real. Feel it.'
I have been practicing. Just this past weekend, when I was away, I had a moment like this. Again, I had to stop and remind myself that this moment was reality, real, and not imaginary. Because it felt disconnected from reality. Perhaps this is why someone like me is prone to suicide. Because one gets disconnected from reality. Completely. One hundred percent.
I have experienced the mood swings, which include intense happiness, irritability, shame or/and anxiety. They can last for hours, or days. Until they, too, became reality. I remember these intense mood swings, of happiness and irritability since I was a child. Now I understand why. I actually became afraid of this intense happiness, that a part of me locks it. Because it is too intense; it felt unmanageable. And a lot of times it was followed by intense depression. I will like to talk more on shame, later, because of how much it affected me.
Ongoing feelings of emptiness. They started when I was little. Got worse as an adult. But it also became my reality. The feelings of emptiness.
Inappropriate intense anger, frequently losing my temper, being bitter. Again, it started when I was a child, although not frequent. This one has been one I have worked a lot- perhaps the most, because my dad was like this, and he was violent when he had this intense anger episodes. I was aware of this, in myself, and if I felt it got out of control, I would reflect on it. I tried, at least to my capacity. Then I became a mother, at a young age, and realized soon that I was getting angry and irritated easily, and that if I didn't do anything about it I was going to end up like my dad. And I have been working on this since forever, or so it feels. It has been a long, and painful process with many mistakes and regrets. I learnt a lot of patience, here. But it has not been easy. This is one that I had to come with the terms that it can be triggered, easily, by things and by people, and that it was my responsibility to stay away from those who trigger it. It is very intense - the anger, and it takes a lot from me to not react. I hope this inappropriate anger, that is a symptom of BPD, is not confused with the anger I feel when people do me wrong. Or when the innocent and weak are abused by the powerful.
As you can imagine, yes, I asked myself a thousand times if I was just forever damaged. Why wouldn't the anger go away? I was actually asking myself this, last week. And I confess, I also was a bit mad with God- why? Why doesn't it go away? What was I doing wrong? Is this how my life is meant to be, forever? Why in the world do I want this kind of life?
And down I started going. What was wrong with me?
Feeling bad about myself. Constantly. Until it also became a reality. It has affected me in such a way, I can't even describe it.
I read that people with this disorder, if left untreated, either become very violent, or are at risk of suicide. I think that, although I didn't know about this and have never been treated, I have been aware of many things, and what is wrong and right, no matter what others say. But the suicide images were there. This part in my life has affected me in such a way, that I will talk more about this- just about this specific subject alone.
Emotional instability. It has also been a big one.
It all became too much at some point. Too intense. Too deep. Until I was nothing but a feeling of emptiness. A deep depression. Panic attacks. Outburst of anger and anxiety. My demons. Suicidal images. Disconnected from reality. And feeling bad about myself and the world. In a complete hopeless and helpless state.
It takes courage to talk about this. A lot of it. To admit it. To say that this disorder is a result of abandonment and things done and said to me when I didn't deserve them. Especially as a child and a teenager. And also as an adult.
It takes even more courage to say that it is also a result of my own mistakes and unstable life choices.
But suddenly, my mistakes seemed small. They didn't matter anymore compared to realities. Compared to ALL that really matters.
Paty ♥
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