The struggles of not believing in myself.

One of the effects of trauma and mental health has been not believing in myself. I was feeling some strength, as a result of the intense work of recovery, but I soon came into a wall of disbelief. It stopped me cold.

As I was becoming my intense fears, again, I managed to do some rescue, observe, and ask myself "Why?"
"Why is this severe fear continuing to paralyze me?"
"And why does it feel so real?"

I kept my mind and heart open; started paying attention to my thoughts and automatic reactions to those thoughts. The thing is that those thoughts feel real and true, so the ability to just recognize them is really hard. Saying, "wait a second, maybe this isn't real...is this real? Where is this coming from?" Then going back to the thought, process the thought, and pay attention to what I want to do in response to that thought. Immediately feeling that it doesn't feel right; that there is something wrong there, but why? Where is it coming from?

From this place I can actually connect things; figure them out. This is healing. But it's so intense and it takes a mental toll on me, leaving me with no energies and in need to disconnect and recover, which also takes me a while to process because I can be stubborn. And although the process feels slow and I get impatient, it's actually happening fast. I figure out one big thing and then on to the next one that honestly, I am having trouble catching my breath.

I realized after I started questioning my reality, that I am challenging my thoughts and my reactions to them, both mentally and physically.

What I figured out is that I am still dealing and suffering with the lasting effects of abuse. I did research on abuse, again, and it all clicked. I wrote pages on my journal about all these effects, so I could process. So I can go back to those pages when I am feeling lost again, in my fear, questioning my reality and thinking something is wrong with me. The truth is that my brain stayed in that place of abuse that getting out of there gets the best of me most of the time.

These effects not only impact my confidence in myself and my abilities, but also in no longer believing good things are possible. Not believing in anything else other than this reality. My brain not only believes this is real, but that this is the only reality I can have. 

Or when I start feeling like shit again, because I am going to do something that is normal, and my mind starts telling me "this task should be normal, why are you feeling like this?" Leaving me feeling worse. In that moment, I need to place myself in that compassionate place of knowing that my intense fear is a lasting effect, instead of desperately wanting to apply my wrong expectations of recovery. If I can just stay with myself, as i am.

The day I was figuring more about the root of my fears, and why they affect me the way they do, I saw a woman still struggling with the effects of abuse. Still trying to figure things out and doing the best she can to recover from it all. And I felt a lot of compassion and love for her. And for all the women and children who are struggling with this reality.

More and more I come into this realization of how much I want to spend the rest of my life talking about the long-term effects of abuse, trauma, mental health and recovery. 

Paty ♥
Learn. Believe. Allow.