Stubbornness, Strength, & Grace.

I have borderline personality disorder symptoms. I had forgotten all about it.

I started therapy again, at the beginning of this year. But it has been so challenging! I have faced so many adversities completely out of my control that have set me back, a lot of times. I have had weeks without therapy, several times, for different reasons. And in only six months I had to, involuntarily, switch therapists. I am with my third one now. Every time it has been a major setback, since is like starting all over again, from the beginning. 

In the dark hole of my mental health, I was forced to ask myself questions- important questions.

Why do I get like this? It doesn't feel normal. I realized it has to do with borderline personality disorder (BPD). I was able to look back; look at the present and see all the suffering and pain from this illness. Sometimes it gets extremely ugly. I have experienced psychosis episodes already. And the not wanting to live days happen more than I wish. Monday was a really bad day. I felt I was at the end of my rope. 

Living, sometimes, is all I can manage.

I have had a lot of moments of wanting to give up. A lot of moments of feeling I am at the end of my rope.

Sometimes, my mind feels beautiful regardless of how dark it feels in there.

But sometimes, most of the time, not so much.

Yet, I am still here.

The days when is hard to live, I somehow find a way to keep myself safe. 

The closet floor is a safe place.

My new therapist told me that I have managed to keep myself safe during my worst moments. She said that it takes a lot of strength to do that. And hearing this, to me, was very important. It reminded me of the beauty of my strength. It helped me to keep going. 

But other times my strength feels so, so shattered.

Enduring all of it - the suffering of this mental health... well, how could I find the words to describe such suffering?

I have been trying. God knows how much I have been trying!

But I am still here. 

I know that with this illness, I have lost my identity, life, joy, confidence, power, strength, dreams and goals...

I have learnt that I can't restore myself back. But perhaps transform- I learnt that too. "Transformation rather than restoration."

Little by little.

I am constantly going, involuntarily, into survival mode. In there, I lose all awareness and reality, and the only thing my body can do is to protect myself; keep me safe at all costs. Even if there is no danger - it's just that my body doesn't know that - we are working on it.

I do, however, apologize if I have hurt people I care about from this place of fear and protection.

My new therapist said that I need to give myself grace. Because I am doing a good job.  And that I am going to be okay.

I think I am a very stubborn person. I have hold on to life so, so hard. For years. Even when I no longer wanted to. Even if I felt so lost, and beyond saving. Even if the pain & suffering from this mental illness gets unbearable. Or I am afraid of being alone because my mind is so dangerous and unsettled. And I am afraid I could lose the little strength I have and hurt myself. Or go mad. I have felt that, sometimes. That I might lose my mind. Psychotic episodes are not fun, and they are scary.

I have spent a lot of time trying to understand why I made it here, dealing with these mental illnesses. Understanding my traumas. Trying to understand how mental health works; how my brain is working. How my brain has been affected. My mind, life, persona, and identity.

I do feel like I have lost so much. For being here. For losing almost all that I am.

Yet, I am still here.

And as lost as I have been, I know I have been saving myself all along. And doing my best to protect my kids, and their mental health. 

So, yes, this specific moment, I am learning to give myself grace. 

Grace. Because I kept going. Because I keep going, regardless of how many setbacks I have faced.  

There has to be some powerful, beautiful strength hidden in me. And a lot of stubbornness.

And sometimes, God's grace. 

I am still committed to get better, mentally. Perhaps make it to a point of not having BPD symptoms almost daily. I know that I will never be the same. I know there is no going back to a former self. I know it is not possible, after having mental health disruptions. I also know that the possibilities of relapses will always be there.

But I can feel a small dose of hope.

I never stopped trying, and that is all that matters. And with help, a lot of work, patience, and more endurance, I will continue putting everything that it is in my power to get better. 

I will continue being stubborn, in my recovery. And I will continue rediscovering my grace, using my strength.

I am grateful that I am finally working with the correct treatment for the correct diagnosis, with the right therapist. 

Paty ♥