Learning that I have Borderline Personality Disorder - Part 1

 Borderline Personality disorder -

Maybe I heard such a name in the past, but never stopped to think anything about it.

I didn't think I had such a thing. In reality, I believe that in most cases one doesn't think you have it.

But the other day a friend posted something similar to the following, in FB: Children who are ignored, neglected, mistreated, degraded, or separated from a parent (s), raises the risk for Borderline personality disorder. 

I felt something inside me. As if I had figured something I was missing. A missing piece to my puzzle- perhaps the piece.

But I thought it was only about my personality not been completely developed because I have been in survival mode my whole life, that my personality was just stuck there. So I thought. 

But I had my missing piece now!! 

I had been doing more work, internally. To complete my healing, my recovery. Get better. Move on. Then I started feeling stuck, again. That is why I didn't write in the blog for the past weeks. I started feeling bad again. Down. Same feelings (although not as intense). 

Stuck. Unable to move.

I took the weekend off on a room I found last minute, in airbnb, in Oregon. To catch up on writing. To reflect. To be alone. Disconnect. Find myself. To renew myself and comeback better - always this idea - better.

It was until Sunday that I looked it up- what is borderline personality, anyway?

-Emotional instability, feelings of worthlessness, insecurity, impulsivity, and impaired social relationships.

That thing I felt, in my soul when I thought I had found my missing piece? I felt it here too. I had just discovered I have suffered BPD my whole life.

"The real reason is unknown, but abandonment, or fear of abandonment during childhood and adolescence are risk factors."

Suddenly my hell becomes more clear.

Symptoms:

• An intense fear of abandonment, avoiding real or imagined separation or rejection. Yes!
• A pattern of unstable intense relationships. Yes!
• Rapid changes in self-identity and self-image that include shifting goals and values, and seeing yourself as bad or as if you don't exist at all. Yes!
• Periods of stress-related paranoia and loss of contact with reality, lasting from a few minutes, or hours- in my case, more, at least in the past. Yes!
• Impulsive and risky behavior, or sabotaging success by suddenly quitting a good job or ending a positive relationship. Yes!
• Suicidal threats or behavior or self-injury, often in response to fear of separation or rejection. Yes!
• Wide mood swings lasting from a few hours to a few days, which can include intense happiness, irritability, shame, or anxiety. Yes!
• Ongoing feelings of emptiness. Yes!
• Inappropriate, intense anger, such as frequently losing your temper. Yes!

Suddenly, everything made sense. I saw the picture of my life with better eyes. I understood better. I understood why I felt these intense emotions as a child, and teenager, which by now, I start getting more unstable. And later on, in life, as I start making risky choices, the intensity of the emotions became more and more.

I don't know why I developed this disorder, while others don't. I don't think my brothers did, thank God. But I kept thinking that I am a highly-sensitive person, or empath- which is another battle. I feel deeply and intensely. I am extremely emotional and vulnerable, which means I feel emotions more strongly than others. And I think that maybe this has a lot to do with it; I am more prone to mentally get affected due to my deep, intense, emotional and vulnerable self. It is also genetic, and looking at all of this, and at my dad, I seriously wonder if he also had it. Brain abnormalities play a factor as well. I read that "some research has shown changes in certain areas of the brain involved in emotion regulation, impulsivity and aggression. In addition, certain brain chemicals that help regulate mood, such as serotonin, may not function properly."

More on part 2. 

Paty ♥