I think is real. But please proceed accordingly. I have been here before.

It's not at all the way I imagined it. For over twelve years.

In the past months, I went through the grief. Grief I have felt throughout the years, but screamed for attention recently. The kind of grief from losing so much, down here, in the darkness, surviving, recovering.

It was heavy. Painful. Quick. It needed to be processed, transformed, released.

Then there was the resistance. Resistance to move forward into a major life change or phase. 

“I have tried this before. What if I fail again?”

Resistance transformed into acceptance. 

Acceptance has been a big part of my journey, in many ways and many times.  Sometimes on a daily basis. Other times during important moments of this journey, when I can't move to the next step until my reality is accepted.

I have slowly, in the past months, felt this moment was coming. I don't know how to explain it. Or exactly what happened throughout the days leading to it.

I have been exploring what is left, in my life, in this specific moment of my Journey. What remains, what is no longer here.

 Then there is the other question: “what's next?'

I am still in the process of figuring out who I am when I am not fighting for my life, or worried about everyone else but me. 

I came to understand that the expectation I had of how I was going to end an important period of the Journey, all glorious and strong, was the expectation of the person who started twelve years ago. And I am not that person anymore. 

My ego and I went through this hard, disappointing truth. Accepting, transforming, releasing.

I know I am stumbling, shaking. But it feels peaceful. It's not grandiose, the way I thought it was going to be, this place, where I finally have arrived.

It's not perfect, but it is real, this place. And it belongs to me. 

Little note: It took me two to three weeks writing this post. The fact that I can manage to post before Friday is a big win for me. ♥

Here,

Paty. ♥️

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