About Living....

 ....

"Is it possible to live so defensively that you never get to live at all?"



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“What is my story?”

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(Photo was taken by my son)  I have therapy on Tuesdays and Wednesdays each week. Although I’m getting better, it is still a lot of work. Normally by Tuesday, I’m realizing now, my nervous system is already dysregulated and I urgently need therapy to ground myself. Sometimes I am afraid I have become dependent on therapy and that I might need it for the rest of my life. But we are not there yet; I do hope that at least I can move to once a week instead of two soon. Lately, I have been working on ideas for my new business, doing research and applying for licenses in the evenings and on Saturday mornings. Today I was feeling overwhelmed by the whole thing so I thought about the blog and writing. The other day when I was feeling on edge, I checked Mark Nepo’s IG page, for inspiration. I saved a quote from him and I try to ground myself with it, often: “Lift your story like a sandbag and pass it on. It will do more good than you can know.” Sometimes when my brain is betraying me, I can...
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Dark Nights of The Soul.

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On Saturday I asked the boys if they could drive to a little event at the University of Washington in Tacoma; I wanted to introduce myself and leave my business card to a business that was going to be there. I was surprised that I felt the need to take a few photographs. I had a difficult week with the headaches, but on Saturday I was feeling okay and it made me happy. I evaluated my decision to go very carefully, given the fact that I get trigger headaches just by being in the car for a long time. But the drive was only 1/2 an hour each way, so I figured it would be okay. Then Sunday happened. I went into depression really quick with a whole range of intrusive thoughts. The pressure of depression and the heavy work of trying to save myself triggered the headaches badly.  Sunday night I was experiencing what is called a 'dark night of the soul.' I have experienced this before, more than once, but it had been a while. I have been going from feeling lost, confused, in despair, to...
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The possibilities ahead.

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I believe I am going to start my own business. Online bookkeeping business. I have been a little terrified about this decision as well. On Monday, when I was having a bad anxiety attack, I was thinking, "how in the world are you going to run a business if you have these mental health issues?" "Are you sure you have what it takes to do this?" Then on Tuesday when my head was hurting a lot and I had to schedule an urgent appointment with the chiropractor, I was thinking the same thing - "how in the world am I going to do this?" The other night when I couldn't sleep thinking about it, I remember telling myself, "Well, you are going to do it anyway, you know you are, so what is the point of being so worried to the point of making you sick?"  And taking it one day at a time. I realized that practicing gratitude and grounding myself is helping. If today I still have food and a roof, then today I am okay. Tomorrow is tomorrow. And remembering that i...
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