About Living....

 ....

"Is it possible to live so defensively that you never get to live at all?"



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Dark Nights of The Soul.

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On Saturday I asked the boys if they could drive to a little event at the University of Washington in Tacoma; I wanted to introduce myself and leave my business card to a business that was going to be there. I was surprised that I felt the need to take a few photographs. I had a difficult week with the headaches, but on Saturday I was feeling okay and it made me happy. I evaluated my decision to go very carefully, given the fact that I get trigger headaches just by being in the car for a long time. But the drive was only 1/2 an hour each way, so I figured it would be okay. Then Sunday happened. I went into depression really quick with a whole range of intrusive thoughts. The pressure of depression and the heavy work of trying to save myself triggered the headaches badly.  Sunday night I was experiencing what is called a 'dark night of the soul.' I have experienced this before, more than once, but it had been a while. I have been going from feeling lost, confused, in despair, to...
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“What is my story?”

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(Photo was taken by my son)  I have therapy on Tuesdays and Wednesdays each week. Although I’m getting better, it is still a lot of work. Normally by Tuesday, I’m realizing now, my nervous system is already dysregulated and I urgently need therapy to ground myself. Sometimes I am afraid I have become dependent on therapy and that I might need it for the rest of my life. But we are not there yet; I do hope that at least I can move to once a week instead of two soon. Lately, I have been working on ideas for my new business, doing research and applying for licenses in the evenings and on Saturday mornings. Today I was feeling overwhelmed by the whole thing so I thought about the blog and writing. The other day when I was feeling on edge, I checked Mark Nepo’s IG page, for inspiration. I saved a quote from him and I try to ground myself with it, often: “Lift your story like a sandbag and pass it on. It will do more good than you can know.” Sometimes when my brain is betraying me, I can...
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About a concert. Shame, happy, and being present.

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I absolutely love concerts. I have only gone to a few in my life; they are expensive, and my mental health really took the life out of me.  This week I went to the first one by myself. I bought the ticket at the beginning of the year; I wanted to make sure to buy it before running out of money.  On Tuesday, in therapy, I told my therapist, "I don't know what I'm doing, going to concerts right now if I am struggling with these headaches. What if this is a bad idea?" But that feeling was connected to something deeper. I still have little moments of feeling I don't deserve good things. I also go into anxiety thinking something is going to go wrong, and whatever goes wrong it would be my fault because I was there. Alone. When I shouldn't have. "No!" This has been my response for quite some time now, "no, we are not going there." My therapist told me that it is actually a misconception we have as society, sending messages that internalize judgem...
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