About Living....

 ....

"Is it possible to live so defensively that you never get to live at all?"



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Lucián.

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Lucián just graduated High School last week.  Throughout the school years, there were a lot of moments I didn't know if we were going to make it to the finish line. But now we are here, and I couldn't be prouder! I am also grateful and relieved. I still need to process the fact that all of my kids are out of school, with the exception of Angel & college. I no longer have to worry about school and assignments and grades. Or whether or not they will make it. College is different.  I enjoyed her graduation ceremony a lot; I felt present, alive.  My brother and my oldest daughter started planning her graduation party since the beginning of the year. When I found out I was still doing the difficult phase of EMDR, and my mental health was still in bad shape; I couldn't even imagine been able to do any planning, or help. I had a lot of moments thinking that if I couldn't get better and all I could do was to show up and be there for her, that that was good enough; that it w...
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“What is my story?”

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(Photo was taken by my son)  I have therapy on Tuesdays and Wednesdays each week. Although I’m getting better, it is still a lot of work. Normally by Tuesday, I’m realizing now, my nervous system is already dysregulated and I urgently need therapy to ground myself. Sometimes I am afraid I have become dependent on therapy and that I might need it for the rest of my life. But we are not there yet; I do hope that at least I can move to once a week instead of two soon. Lately, I have been working on ideas for my new business, doing research and applying for licenses in the evenings and on Saturday mornings. Today I was feeling overwhelmed by the whole thing so I thought about the blog and writing. The other day when I was feeling on edge, I checked Mark Nepo’s IG page, for inspiration. I saved a quote from him and I try to ground myself with it, often: “Lift your story like a sandbag and pass it on. It will do more good than you can know.” Sometimes when my brain is betraying me, I can...
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The link between concussions and suicidal ideation.

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This post is to create awareness between concussions, which are more common in females, and those who have migraines, mental health problems and had a prior concussion, which I had when I had the car accident. Having concussions and mental health issues can be very scary. I asked my therapist last week, “what was that? Because it scared the hell out of me and I need to understand. It wasn’t my normal darkness taking me down. It was more scary and fast and real.” These were my thoughts as Angel was getting out the door late morning on Saturday, 4th of July weekend and I was  staying home with a mild concussion.  As I washed a few dishes I recognized my suicidal thoughts, mainly because they were more intense and out of the blue. My own thoughts scared me, especially knowing I was home alone and vulnerable. But because it scared me, I was able to quickly get out of there and save myself. “Oh no!! We are not doing this!” I said to myself. My therapist said that there is a link be...
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