Driving away to find Peace. Only to not find it.

I remember this day as if it was yesterday.

It was sometime between July or August of 2016.

I took Lucián with me and drove a little over 2 hours to one of my most peaceful places.

Because I was desperate for it - some Peace.

I was in the middle of the Divorce filing and process. That process- no lawyer, no money, just me, my emotions, a hundred visits to the Court House, paperwork over paperwork and filing over filing. And one thousand accusations- all going to one soul, one heart.

There was also the wait - the wait for all of it to be over. So that I could have my Peace back.

That is all I wanted - my Peace.

Peace in the middle of a divorce. Of maybe buying a house, but nothing with certainty. Plus many other things all happening at once. All at the same time.

The divorce was bringing the worse out of both of us. And I was wondering if everything I had gone through during this soul searching meant nothing during these ugly times.

Everything was getting to me.

Rage and resentment were my natural, normal reactions.

Plus searching for just enough to survive each day. One day at a time.

So I took my car and drove away. The soul and I needed a peaceful place filled with what I didn't have.

Peace I couldn't find anywhere no matter how deep I went.

I would dive into my soul, looking for Peace. But I would find storms. Many of them. And I was too weak to stand up. Or to fight them. But I for sure was angry to find them.

My soul was a complete Hurricane. And it was until some days later that life brought a little bit of wisdom - Peace can't be found in the middle of a war zone.

That day, I was unable to find the Peace I so much was craving - it was impossible. So I stayed in the moment and observed. I observed Lucián.

She had it - she had Peace. Because, externally, she saw that, in her mother.

Mom and dad were in the middle of a storm, but the Hurricane was ours, not hers.

My job was to protect her and do my best - by doing my best I mean trying every single second of every single day to not let her get in - to keep her out of the storm.

For a moment I stopped to observe her. She was creating her own memories, her own little moments - the mother saw her little daughter. She also saw a peaceful moment in front of her. Small, but present.

I saw her innocence. Her peace. Her hair against the wind. Her smile.

All of that, in the middle of my own storm.

She was happy.

That day I realized that peace can't be obtained in the middle of a storm. That the problem is not our rage or resentment, but what we do with those emotions. That I was not pulling my children to my storms; I was doing everything I could to keep them out. That COMPLETE forgiveness is not given to those who deserve it. And that if you manage to see peace in your kids' eyes, there is actually lot of Peace.

When I got home, I read this:

"As I walked out the door toward the gate that would lead to my freedom, I knew if I didn't leave my bitterness and hatred behind, I'd still be in prison." Nelson Mandela

My whole world switched, again. That day, I understood the real value of FREEDOM. I texted my ex and apologized - if I had said anything offensive, I was sorry. The accusations and lies and the hurt from him no longer mattered.

A few days ago I also realized that I had the wrong idea of Peace. Peace is not obtained because you ask for it, or demand it. You have to stand up and fight for it; for your Peace. Peace that only comes after the storm - after you fight for what is right.

It took me from that day - and almost 37 years - to understand this. No one obtained Peace by sitting somewhere, and not standing up. And putting up a fight first. A fight with courage, not rage.

I learnt that the difference to fight a good fight is between those two words: Courage and rage.

Paty