One year in Therapy- a little milestone.

What's next? What is the action plan?

I asked my therapist yesterday. I have been talking about my past and traumas and mental health with her, since we started, because I wanted her to understand the Why and the history.

Talking about it all was intense. Terrifying. Triggering.

Deliberating.

I have been hoping for this moment, since I started therapy in November of last year, right after Thanksgiving. The moment of having shared all the things that are difficult to share (little note - I know I share very little in this blog, and that it might be difficult to understand the struggles and the whys of my mental health, but I am not ready to talk about it all. At least not here, and not yet-).

It took a year to make it to this little milestone. All the challenges. The having to start all over again with therapist after therapist. I realized, today, how much perseverance it took. How much I endured, and how many times I wanted to quit when my mind screamed loud and louder that I was never getting better. That I was wasting my time.

But leaving therapy, again, was not an option.

So, yesterday, the questions was: "What is next." What is the action we are taking, because I am ready to do that- to start doing the work. Going to therapy is already intense work, and commitment, but I feel ready to start with a different kind of work.

I told her the things I am still struggling with, like the symptoms of my mental health, anxiety, my thoughts. I can't really be alone with my thoughts. I need to keep my mind busy, and stay focused on the tasks at hand, but it is extremely challenging. I am also struggling with compassion towards myself, concentrating on just ME. And figuring out who I am because I have spent so much time in this mental mess that I don't know who I am anymore.

I expressed how I am having a really hard time figuring out how to live. We talked about my creativity and how important it is to me, but it is also a struggle. I told her I want to keep posting in my blog, but most of the time I don't know what to say, because I am very overwhelmed, and my mind can't put sentences together. Yet, I have tried to keep posting, even if it is a sentence or two, or a quote. I want to keep that little part of my identity.

So, this is the action plan:

Self-compassion. She said we will start with self-compassion, and people-pleasing tendencies. She said I am very hard on myself- I went quiet for a while, then asked her if she knew why. She answered that it is how I learned to live; by being hard on myself. This is what was shown to me, by the important people in my life, who were hard on me. She said that that little girl is still trying to figure out how not to be hard on herself.
Self-identity. Figuring out who I am. How to live. What to do with photography, and writing.
Dialectal Behavior Therapy (DBT). I prefer to talk about the complexities of this one some other time.

I asked her to give me some homework, to work on. I need help coping, and to hopefully keep my mind busy and focused.