About one, or two goals...


 I’m going to start writing my book next year. 

It wasn’t easy to make it to this point. God! For over a decade I couldn’t even formulate a goal because I was in survival mode, and nothing else. I tried, many times until I understood where I was standing. 

I think at the beginning of last year, in one of those desperate attempts I tried and prayed really hard. I wanted to have goals for the year; I thought it would help me take the year, plan and be productive. After a while I started crying because my mind wasn’t responding, but a little voice inside me said: “put away the Christmas tree.” It was February and I still had it up. Peacefully, I stopped crying, understanding the message. "Right now, the next thing to do is to put away the Christmas tree. That’s it. This is the only goal you can manage right now; this is all your brain can handle."

Some big things still need to happen before I can start writing. I need to change the floors in my room, stairs, living room and dining room, and paint. Make sure some important things are taken care of, like moss in roof, possibly change the fence, and that at least the siding of the house is clean. For years I have been wanting to do all of these tasks, and there has been a lot of anxiety, tears, depression, anger and anguish for not been able to do it. Until I started understanding that the unhealthy pressure I was putting on myself was not only affecting me but making my mental health & recovery worse.

Maybe a few months ago the little thought came to my head, that maybe next year will be the one. I think that in reality, subconsciously I have been planning without making the goal a conscious one. Bringing this goal forward means something- it means I know I am ready to do everything in my power to make it happen, even if I don't know how yet; that I am ready to commit to it.

There are many other things that need to be put in order, like work, financials & mentally. Mentally and psychologically, I am not strong enough yet. I need to continue working on my strengths, building resilience, practicing more of the things I am good at. Learn to truly love myself, unconditionally. 

But right now, in this specific moment, I am bringing this goal forward, along with my commitment.

Here, 

Paty ♥

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Something in me switched when I received that text from my son and his motorcycle accident....

Image
I had had another depressive episode and that day, Tuesday of last week was a specific difficult day in dealing with depression. I didn’t have EMDR that day, spending my time in therapy talking about being overwhelmed and all the things I have been putting aside since I started this therapy. A few minutes after therapy I received a text from my son asking me to pick him up because he had been in a motorcycle accident.  After asking if he was okay, my internal reaction was actually unexpected.  “I need to start dancing with life and everything thrown at me, otherwise I won’t make it.” We were in the hospital until 1:00 a.m. He is not perfect, but he is okay, and I am grateful he is all right.  The next day, in therapy, we were supposed to jump right into EMDR but I told her that I just couldn't do it anymore. I really can’t. It’s killing me; my body and my soul can’t possibly take any more of it. It wasn’t a rushed decision. It was becoming more and more difficult to endur...
Read more

Just one sentence...

Image
  Sometimes it’s hard to come to this place and write, especially if my mind is in turmoil with healing and daily life. There is also a lot of uncertainty going on right now; personally, and around most of us, I think. In order to push my limitations and not feel overwhelmed, I tell myself that all I have to do is just write one sentence - if I am able to come up with just one sentence of what is going on with my healing, recovery, creativity, or something that might be of inspiration, then that is all I need. Just one sentence to share. It helps me to gain refocus on this project and concentrate instead of giving up.   "Deep practice is required, & when you practice what you know, your gifts & talents will grow." Here, Paty ♥
Read more

This is 44, in photographs.

Image
  "When the unthinkable happens, and does not relent, we fall through our hubris toward an inner flow, an abiding & rebirthing darkness that feels like home." - Barbara Holmes "The crisis begins without warning, shatters our assumptions about the way the world works, and changes our story & the stories of our neighbors. The reality that was so familiar to us is gone suddenly, and we don't know what is happening. If life, as we experience it, is a fragile crystal orb that holds our daily routines and dreams of order and stability, then sudden & catastrophic crises shatter this illusion of normalcy. [...] It is cracking open, the rupture and shuttering of self, community expectations, and presumptions about how the world works. It is the result of trauma, free fall and wounding." "There are many entry points into these sacred reflective spaces." And there are many rebirths and many deaths. The Journey changed me. But it also took me to who i ...
Read more