Seven Golds

 I have had a very difficult relationship with power. Mainly, because my experience with power was of domination, control and abuse. It has been difficult to be able to trust power as something good. I was also afraid of it, my own power, and lacked the confidence to believe in it. Slowly, throughout the years, with a lot of work, my relationship is getting better, although I still struggle with it.  I read something helpful, about power, yesterday: "Power, in & of itself, is not bad. It simply needs to be redefined as something more than domination. If the Holy Spirit is power, then power has to be good, loving & empowering, not something that is the result of ambition or greed. [...] if we don't name the good meaning of power, we will be content with the bad, or we will avoid claiming our own powerful vocations. What is needed, Martin Luther King Jr. writes, "is a realization that power without love is reckless and abusive, and that love without power is sentime...

 I’m going to start writing my book next year.  It wasn’t easy to make it to this point. God! For over a decade I couldn’t even formulate a goal because I was in survival mode, and nothing else. I tried, many times until I understood where I was standing.  I think at the beginning of last year, in one of those desperate attempts I tried and prayed really hard. I wanted to have goals for the year; I thought it would help me take the year, plan and be productive. After a while I started crying because my mind wasn’t responding, but a little voice inside me said: “put away the Christmas tree.” It was February and I still had it up. Peacefully, I stopped crying, understanding the message. "Right now, the next thing to do is to put away the Christmas tree. That’s it. This is the only goal you can manage right now; this is all your brain can handle." Some big things still need to happen before I can start writing. I need to change the floors in my room, stairs, living room and ...

 I am not sure I get it. I want to live. Love. Feel everything. Emotions like anger, sadness, even fear, if done right, are meant to be used as fuel. Against the injustice towards others and ourselves.  Sometimes during my better days, I am afraid of my mental health. This fear pushes me to keep fighting and understanding my condition and darkness.  I am fighting for hope, joy and peace within myself. Happiness and joy are not the same thing; joy is different, and that is what I am seeking and fighting for.  This doesn’t mean I don’t want to feel those moments of happiness, because I do. But I am learning that they happen by ordinary, unexpected moments that need to be cherished. They happen when I am able to push through my anxiety or fear and remind myself to be present, in the moment, as it is.  Because If I pursue happiness and nothing else, I will miss out on life, the present, and the things that truly matter.  Here,  Paty ♥️