Understanding chronic stress.

 

No one tells you that breaking generational trauma and abuse is going to be hell before it starts to feel like liberation.

I realized last night that healing and breaking patterns means there are layers after layers. Sometimes, I feel like I am not even done with one layer when there is another one screaming for attention because it can no longer survive. And right now, that layer is dealing and understanding chronic stress.

I just realized I have a bad case of chronic stress. I didn't even know it was a thing, but it explains that awful feeling of every day. It is there the moment I get up and go into the bathroom to wash my teeth & get ready for my day.

I have been trying to understand why I can't heal from my headaches, and started realizing that stress was affecting the process, so I started talking with my therapist about it. I have spent these past weeks trying to calm myself down because my levels of stress have been extremely high. And trying to find resources, like podcasts or videos. Something. Anything. But in those moments, looking for those things adds more stress. And at the same time, the stress makes the headaches worse.

I told my son yesterday that I have chronic stress, and he just responded "duh!"

When your kids know before you know.

It became a little messy- trying to calm down the stress to heal the headaches. The headaches and inability to easily let go of the stress would cause more stress, in return making the headaches worse. My coping mechanisms for mental health have been exercise and nature, but in order to heal, exercise has been inconsistent, and driving, hiking, and sun exposure have been difficult.

The way I figure things out, and heal, is by learning. What does chronic stress mean, and then, what does it mean to me. An article I found yesterday says that some of the "causes of chronic stress could include poverty, a dysfunctional marriage or family, or a deeply dissatisfying job. [...] Chronic stress slowly drains a person's psychological resources and damages their brains and bodies. People experiencing chronic stress might feel incapable of changing their situations." Meaning they feel stuck. I also read somewhere else about financial insecurity being a reason for chronic stress.

There are a lot of reasons for my stress, but in this moment the financial stresses are playing a big role. 

What does it mean to me? I was looking back and realized how I started accumulating this stress since I was a little girl, and it got worse as an adult. I was able to understand the numerous reckless financial crises experienced as a child, and then the financial abuse I experienced as an adult. 

Now what?

Financial security is at the top of the list. But this touches another trauma layer- asking for what I need feels like stepping on a volcano that is about to explode. Which explains the chronic stress. I had talked with my brother already about getting a raise. I planned and made sure I was okay for August & September, but then things changed, and it left me in a difficult & stressful situation. All week, I have been needing to talk with him again, but I was avoiding it at all costs. Today, when I felt better, I sent him a text. But my body didn't like it. My cortisol levels skyrocketed, and my stomach started to hurt. At least this time I didn't fight it or got upset with myself for feeling this way; I started my breathing exercises instead.  There is a lot of trust and gratitude in this process. Telling myself that I trust myself, my abilities, and this whole thing.

I want to talk about this for many reasons. One, the awareness around financial abuse and chronic stress passed on to children in such a way that it follows us in adulthood. 

Kids don't need to carry this. 

Also, because finances are also something not really talked about, especially in my culture. There is a lot of financial abuse surrounding women, and there aren't many role models when we are growing up setting healthy conversations & patterns around this subject. 

As I heal, I hope to learn more about this, and share it as I go.

Happy weekend everyone. I'm going to be helping my son move to his new apartment at the University. ♥

Here,

Paty ♥