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The struggles of not believing in myself.

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One of the effects of trauma and mental health has been not believing in myself. I was feeling some strength, as a result of the intense work of recovery, but I soon came into a wall of disbelief. It stopped me cold. As I was becoming my intense fears, again, I managed to do some rescue, observe, and ask myself " Why?" "Why is this severe fear continuing to paralyze me?" "And why does it feel so real?" I kept my mind and heart open; started paying attention to my thoughts and automatic reactions to those thoughts. The thing is that those thoughts feel real and true, so the ability to just recognize them is really hard. Saying, "wait a second, maybe this isn't real...is this real? Where is this coming from?" Then going back to the thought, process the thought, and pay attention to what I want to do in response to that thought. Immediately feeling that it doesn't feel right; that there is something wrong there, but why? Where is it coming f...
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A Letter to my present Self-

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  I hope “the night sky touches your soul. I hope you fall in love with being alive again." I hope you fall in love with yourself, after trauma. I hope you choose this, each day. I hope you continue to love mountains, sunsets, beaches and rain. Coffee, candles, perfume and flowers. The morning breeze. All the ordinary, little things and moments of daily life. Especially the days you need to hang on to something. I hope you never stop fighting and rescuing yourself. Smiling with strangers, children, animals and nature. I hope you continue to love all of your repaired pieces, even with their cracks.  I hope you know that when you were broken, it was not a sign of weakness, but of strength, humility, honesty and acceptance. That it was needed for transformation. I hope you do your best to choose genuineness and expression over protectiveness and isolation.  I hope all that you have endured inspires others.   I hope you open yourself to love and to "the beauty of the ear...
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This is 44, in photographs.

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  "When the unthinkable happens, and does not relent, we fall through our hubris toward an inner flow, an abiding & rebirthing darkness that feels like home." - Barbara Holmes "The crisis begins without warning, shatters our assumptions about the way the world works, and changes our story & the stories of our neighbors. The reality that was so familiar to us is gone suddenly, and we don't know what is happening. If life, as we experience it, is a fragile crystal orb that holds our daily routines and dreams of order and stability, then sudden & catastrophic crises shatter this illusion of normalcy. [...] It is cracking open, the rupture and shuttering of self, community expectations, and presumptions about how the world works. It is the result of trauma, free fall and wounding." "There are many entry points into these sacred reflective spaces." And there are many rebirths and many deaths. The Journey changed me. But it also took me to who i ...
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