Seven Golds

  My therapist told me last month that part of getting better is awareness and managing. Coping better.  It has taken me many years, frustrations, tears and a lot of hopeless feelings. But I think I am managing this a little better. Not perfect, just better. From small things to big things. Sometimes just having to do simple math, my mind shuts down and I get overwhelmed. But by immediately becoming aware of what’s happening, I can manage the situation and stress with patience; it doesn’t matter if it takes me longer to do the tasks. And when my mind wants to tell me that it shouldn’t be like this, is equally important to recognize it, tell myself that it is okay. Tell my brain that "we are not going there." Here, Paty ♥

Yesterday I was going through old photographs for my daughter's Lucián's high school graduation coming up in June.  I have photos going all the way back to 2018; photos I was never able to finish editing, and that I seriously thought I was never going to get to them. Slowly, since last year, I have been able to get to those folders and delete a lot of those photos. Some I am deleting because they just take me back to my worst moments with mental health. Others because I can see them with different eyes now, and they were just not good photos. And others because the editing was also not good. I realized how much my depression and distress was showing in the photos I was taking. Last night I noticed something important. For the first time, I felt that even though one of the reasons the photographs take me back to feel the horrible emotions I was feeling about myself, this time, I felt something different; something positive. You see, I recognized the fact that I was trying, at th...

I feel like a huge weight came off my shoulders, from what I wrote on my last post.  It was also too much I am still recovering from it. A podcast I was listening to this weekend said: "don't let the pain go to waste." In the past months, or years, I keep asking God to help me transform my pain into wisdom. To learn how to use it for better purposes. The pain that I have endured, and still are, I want to use it to create consciousness and awareness. To help others. To hopefully create a better world for our children, and those struggling with trauma and mental health. Jenny Lawson said that we don't know about the ripples that we put out there. Hearing this, to me, is healing and it gives me reassurance that my story matters. That I matter. That what I have gone through matters.  But only if I speak up. Only if I start saying "this is wrong.” Here, Paty ♥

TRIGGER WARNING-   I didn’t think I was going to be writing about this, in this space. I have been avoiding it since Monday. This is not really what I wanted. But what happens when we run away from our truths? I have seen it, many times, and it is destructive.  I understood the message today when I read a quote: “There is a cost to carrying your truth but not telling it.” I have also seen that kind of cost; of not speaking out our truths. Abuse and unhealthy behaviors and patterns continue, from generation to generation. The physical and mental abuse I received from my parents broke me. Abusive relationships broke me.  So much trauma and mental health, including suicidal images and not wanting to live, broke me. Feeling completely dead on the inside.  But what happened to my daughter, seeing her, experiencing her demons, her trauma, rage, darkness, coping mechanisms and her own abuse. This truly broke me. My daughter was sexually abused as a child, by a family member...

I am looking forward to the future. The fact that I can say this is big. Huge big. Every decision that I have been making in the past months has the future in mind- if I make this decision now, would it affect my future, my writing and purpose?  Even if the future and my vision aren’t completely clear right now. Here, Paty ♥️

I started checking in with myself, in the morning when I get up. I normally go into work mode immediately, but I am discovering more ways to help me in my recovery process.  For a few minutes, I stop my mind that is on go mode and ask myself, how am I feeling today? "Today I am tired." "I am afraid- had nightmares again." "There are some things that may require reaching out, but I am struggling, why?" "It may be self-confidence." Again, why? There are many reasons, core beliefs and core reasons I’m still working on.  Also, "what am I afraid of?" I stay with the fear, recognize it, name it. This way I have more control over it instead of the other way around. "Is my fear valid?" Therapy is helping in recognizing that most of the time my fears are actually valid. By knowing this I can concentrate on what to do next to help my mind get unstuck. Yesterday, when I checked in with myself, I felt disoriented. The following question w...

I don’t know how many times I thought about canceling a network event last week. I have been trying to get out more, for my job, to meet people.  Being able to do this means I am improving and healing. But I have to push really hard; get past the anxiety and panic.  I was a volunteer at an event the first weekend in April, for a few hours each day. Last week I went to another event. I’m also doing this to help me out. To push my mind and help my recovery. It’s not easy since the company is three hours away from where I live. I went through a lot of angst and anxiety about it and I wanted to cancel many times. Long drives right now affect me a lot because I don’t have a lot of energy. Is also difficult to sleep well when I’m not home and tiredness leads to depression. I’m aware of that, and I have a lot of tension when making these decisions because my whole body knows how easily I can still have depression episodes, and how difficult it is to recover. I have the option to canc...