About the angst and anxiety of getting out more.

I don’t know how many times I thought about canceling a network event last week.

I have been trying to get out more, for my job, to meet people. 

Being able to do this means I am improving and healing. But I have to push really hard; get past the anxiety and panic. 

I was a volunteer at an event the first weekend in April, for a few hours each day. Last week I went to another event.

I’m also doing this to help me out. To push my mind and help my recovery. It’s not easy since the company is three hours away from where I live. I went through a lot of angst and anxiety about it and I wanted to cancel many times. Long drives right now affect me a lot because I don’t have a lot of energy. Is also difficult to sleep well when I’m not home and tiredness leads to depression. I’m aware of that, and I have a lot of tension when making these decisions because my whole body knows how easily I can still have depression episodes, and how difficult it is to recover. I have the option to cancel therapy those weeks, to make things easier, or at least cancel one session. But I am also aware of the issues that arise when I skip therapy.

Pushing forward really means pushing forward. I’m still learning, and my therapist suggested to work with this and plan ahead instead of staying where it feels comfortable. This makes me feel empowered and in control of my mental state instead of losing myself, and in return it helps me when things start getting bad.

Despite the anxiety I felt for showing up to a place of strangers, I enjoyed being there and talking with some people. I knew that the most difficult part was to show up. Especially because I had to drive there right after my therapy on Wednesday.

I realized how much it helped me to be distracted from my mind. But I also realized how easily I can spiral down. What helped me in that moment was going to my brother's work site. I took some photos of his work and spent time there observing and learning a bit. I enjoyed seeing him in his element and seeing the work he and his team do.

Friday was more challenging, but when things were getting bad I noticed I was being hard on myself and I let go of that. 

"You don't have to be so hard on yourself; it's okay."

I have paid close attention to my mental health since Wednesday and I noticed a huge improvement; honestly, I am a little surprised. 

On Saturday I kept myself busy with walking, my niece's soccer game, and then spending time with all of my nieces (except the baby). I enjoyed that very much and throughout the day I would notice how much I wasn't being triggered, activated, feeling inadequate and unworthy. 

Here.

Paty ♥

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