Seven Golds

  At the beginning of my Spiritual Journey, I read Brené Brown's book, Rising Strong , in 2015. One of the things I remember from it is that she talks about staying in the middle- in that part we all want to skip because that is where it gets most difficult. "The middle is messy. But it's also where the magic happens." During my day, normally mornings are good; my work doesn't feel like a struggle to survive. But around midday it becomes a battle and pushing forward becomes very challenging. Coffee shops and exercise is what helps me get through my day. These are my okay days.  But some days, like today, the struggle begins since the morning. These are my most difficult days. Sometimes I can still save myself. Some other times I can't. Today, when I realized I was going down and fast, I stopped the struggle of trying to work and I took a small 15-minute class online: Negotiating salary. It helped me to refocus, and it gave me a small glimpse of hope and purpo...

  I am being reminded of the real reason why I am here, healing and in recovery. Working tirelessly on growth, transformation, transitioning. I am being reminded to connect with what’s greater than myself.  More and more I am seeing how I need to focus on this higher purpose so I can adjust my world and my surroundings.  Take care of all of the problems I need to take care of and all the challenges I currently have.  I’m still accepting and adjusting.  Learning to trust in God, this journey, and myself.  Here, Paty ♥

I took my first course online this week! It’s called Resilient Leadership. It's a free course, online, by Harvard. It consists of two courses, and I took both already. The first one was harder because my mental health was getting in the way, but I pushed through it, then waited a few days to be ready to take the next one. Yes, this is a big deal to me! Being able to do this really is a big deal! There are other courses I want to take, but I wanted to start with the shortest ones and build from there. I am taking the ones that I am finding interesting or motivating but overall is an exercise to help me keep my brain focused; make it stronger. It is extremely crucial right now to keep it busy so that I don’t easily spiral in a loop of negative, destructive thoughts.  While still finding a balance to continue working on trauma stuck points; it is not easy to recognize them, work with them, and manage them.  When I decided to move on to the next phase in my therapy, I was doing it...

 Telling me that nobody cares about my stupid blog. That nobody cares about my writing, or what I have to say. That nobody cares about my photos, and that they are not good. Nothing. Just keep writing. Keep posting. Then laugh a little. If I am able to start recognizing and acknowledging this voice, it means I am improving and recovering my own power. Here, Paty ♥

I had had another depressive episode and that day, Tuesday of last week was a specific difficult day in dealing with depression. I didn’t have EMDR that day, spending my time in therapy talking about being overwhelmed and all the things I have been putting aside since I started this therapy. A few minutes after therapy I received a text from my son asking me to pick him up because he had been in a motorcycle accident.  After asking if he was okay, my internal reaction was actually unexpected.  “I need to start dancing with life and everything thrown at me, otherwise I won’t make it.” We were in the hospital until 1:00 a.m. He is not perfect, but he is okay, and I am grateful he is all right.  The next day, in therapy, we were supposed to jump right into EMDR but I told her that I just couldn't do it anymore. I really can’t. It’s killing me; my body and my soul can’t possibly take any more of it. It wasn’t a rushed decision. It was becoming more and more difficult to endur...

 I think I am ready to stop working with trauma and past traumas... But more later. I had a bit of a tough week with a motorcycle accident, hospital, and taking care of my son and his wounds. He is okay and recovering, which is what truly matters this moment. Here, Paty ♥

Warning: This post could be a little triggering. I read yesterday about asking ourselves the following question: "What breaks your heart?" That often the answer to this question will lead us in a direction of service; of being the change we want to see in this world. I asked myself, and the answers were not difficult to come: The abuse of children, either physical, emotional, and/or sexual.  The abandonment of children, physically or mentally. A lot of children have physical parents, but not emotionally present parents. The abuse of animals. The oppression against women, the weak and the less fortunate. The ones who don't have a voice. The suffering of children and the less fortunate. Our indifference. The stigma associated with mental health and suicide, and how little we know about it. How lonely we feel. Cruelty. I also realized today is the first Monday I am able to blog. ♥ Here, Paty ♥ 

  Healing is being able to recognize the hurt I’m experiencing. To just say, “this hurts, and this is why.” To acknowledge, feel and validate. This is important in my recovery because with so much trauma I lost my ability to recognize my own reality and my own pain; that inability became depression and disorders.  I realized this the other night when I was in front of my mirror feeling pretty bad. I was able to name my hurt, its source and even more importantly, know that I had the right to feel the way I was feeling.  Here, Paty ♥

  Sometimes it’s hard to come to this place and write, especially if my mind is in turmoil with healing and daily life. There is also a lot of uncertainty going on right now; personally, and around most of us, I think. In order to push my limitations and not feel overwhelmed, I tell myself that all I have to do is just write one sentence - if I am able to come up with just one sentence of what is going on with my healing, recovery, creativity, or something that might be of inspiration, then that is all I need. Just one sentence to share. It helps me to gain refocus on this project and concentrate instead of giving up.   "Deep practice is required, & when you practice what you know, your gifts & talents will grow." Here, Paty ♥

Someone said that we need empathy and gentleness to treat our bodies, because our bodies have been through a lot. Because when trauma enters, we exit; we get separated from our bodies.  The things my body has been through... In the process of healing my trauma, I am slowly doing my best to reconnect and comeback to my body, safely.  It’s taking some time and painful practice though. I carry the generational trauma of hostility towards women’s bodies. Learning to see and treat my body with care, love and respect hasn’t been easy. But I love how healing it is to be soft and gentle with a body that has been through a lot. A body that is still in recovery, healing slowly and learning to listen to it’s wisdom. Here, Paty ♥️

 I had a really bad episode of Borderline last week. Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday were awful. I didn't feel safe, and I thought I was back in the same dark place, which is pretty scary. My mind and my reality were already betraying me. To try to cope, on Friday, I took some photographs of objects around the house. I just waited for a perfect moment, to capture something interesting, like the sun rays on the teacup I have by my kitchen window, or a bird on the tree outside my bedroom window. When I was editing the cactus photograph, it was very hard because I immediately felt my CPTSD. My mind immediately went back and got stuck in that place of depression and photography. I told myself it was just one photo I needed to finish. I also forced myself to read for 20 minutes, to keep my mind distracted.   Working on the teacup photographs helped a lot because I was focusing on the details of the dirt, with different templates, B&W, and color. On Thursday, I took some ph...