What happened last week…

 I had a really bad episode of Borderline last week. Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday were awful. I didn't feel safe, and I thought I was back in the same dark place, which is pretty scary. My mind and my reality were already betraying me.

To try to cope, on Friday, I took some photographs of objects around the house. I just waited for a perfect moment, to capture something interesting, like the sun rays on the teacup I have by my kitchen window, or a bird on the tree outside my bedroom window.

When I was editing the cactus photograph, it was very hard because I immediately felt my CPTSD. My mind immediately went back and got stuck in that place of depression and photography. I told myself it was just one photo I needed to finish. I also forced myself to read for 20 minutes, to keep my mind distracted.  

Working on the teacup photographs helped a lot because I was focusing on the details of the dirt, with different templates, B&W, and color.

On Thursday, I took some photographs of myself. I took them with my I-phone because shooting with the camera felt overwhelming. Editing them with my Darkroom app was helpful to maintain my brain focused; this app doesn't give me distress like the editing software on my computer. I ended up deleting most of these photos because my face felt in distress, & because when I have BPD, my self-image suffers.

It was until Friday night that I realized what has happening and why I was struggling so much. I was having BPD symptoms, and they were pretty bad. I was not in a good place, although I was doing what I was supposed to do, to cope. The fact that I managed to do the photos, edit them and post them in the blog means I am actually healing. Figuring out days later, and not weeks later, is also healing. Also, it didn't last weeks, or months.

 Recovering from such deep moments is not easy, but I noticed a lot of improvement. On Saturday I spent some time going over the workbook of Dialectical behavior. It is important to remind myself of my symptoms and conditions to find ground again; to come back to me because I feel disoriented, lost and detached from reality. I also need to understand the condition so I can separate it from myself.

I re-read about having a plan in place for when things get bad, and I believe this is of extreme importance. The truth is that I don't want to feel like that again, ever. But I need to be realistic.

I believe that the first step is being able to recognize the symptoms almost immediately, or as soon as possible, possibly before I am fighting for my life. I felt the symptoms since Monday, but I didn't recognize them and I did what I normally do to cope, like going to a coffee shop to work, and then exercise. If I identify the symptoms as soon as possible, I know what I am dealing with, to help myself and find compassion. 

Then find activities that will keep my mind focused and distracted from my thoughts. Either writing them down or focusing on an activity. I am proud of me because I figured out how to help myself & cope when I got to my worst.

Looking at the whole picture, I think EMDR triggered the symptoms, plus other factors happening around me; I just wasn't ready for it. I was talking with my therapist about all of this, and she said that experiencing a personality disorder is the worst there is. I agreed; it makes sense. Depression, anxiety, or CPTSD are awful, but somehow, I manage to cope and go through the symptoms one way or another. But when I am having BPD, it's very difficult to cope. The intensity of the suffering feels like too much to go through and bare.

Here,

Paty ♥