Seven Golds

 ACCEPTANCE. The power of acceptance.  It was only a day or two, that I had learnt about this disorder. That I was processing it.  And I was experiencing this intense anger, again. Wondering the same - is this forever? I was tense, with a lot of resistance. Yes- it felt lighter. Easier. To know why I was going through it. But the resistance. The shame. The wondering when is this going to be over, were there. And then, I start to let go. I relaxed my muscles. What if this is it?  What if I accept this as a way of living?  That I actually have this disorder, and it's ok? What if I truly accept that IT IS OK? Really. That this is me. That this is who I am. This is my reality. I WAS TIRED. I am. Of this idea of getting better. Of arriving at this place of perfection, standing all confident and strong, ready to take on a world that sometimes not even I want.  I. am. Tired.  Of imagining that place that never seems to come. To arrive. LET GO. Let go of the i...

The whole picture (or most of it).  And courage. Lots and lots of it. Suddenly, I was able to understand the picture that is my life. At least understand it in more capacity, because there are a few pieces that I still don't understand, completely. Yes, I have had the good jobs that I left. It is a pattern that later in life I noticed, paid for it, and I committed to never again. A lot of times, in my times of feeling bad, I wondered why I did this.  I wondered if there was something wrong with me. I thought that maybe it was just my big, selfish ego. At the time, when I was fixing this, internally, I understood how ungrateful and unselfish I had been. I learnt a lot from it.  Yes, I left, or ignored, a few positive relationships. When I realized it, later in life, I thought I was just stupid and immature. Wondered, again, if there was something wrong with me. Yes, a while back, I realized my pattern. A pattern that began in my teenage years of unstable, risky, intensive ...

 Borderline Personality disorder - Maybe I heard such a name in the past, but never stopped to think anything about it. I didn't think I had such a thing. In reality, I believe that in most cases one doesn't think you have it. But the other day a friend posted something similar to the following, in FB: Children who are ignored, neglected, mistreated, degraded, or separated from a parent (s), raises the risk for Borderline personality disorder.  I felt something inside me. As if I had figured something I was missing. A missing piece to my puzzle- perhaps the piece. But I thought it was only about my personality not been completely developed because I have been in survival mode my whole life, that my personality was just stuck there. So I thought.  But I had my missing piece now!!  I had been doing more work, internally. To complete my healing, my recovery. Get better. Move on. Then I started feeling stuck, again. That is why I didn't write in the blog for the past we...