That self-care talk.

 

I have struggled with self-care my whole life. I dwell in shame and guilt and a list of all the things I should be doing, plus a list of all the things I did yesterday and the day before, because I need to convince myself I deserve to rest, even when I’m too sick. I also need that list in case others ask why I’m resting. 

The other day I was reflecting that maybe I want to switch my focus from ‘I struggle with…’ to I am healing and recovering from a childhood core belief that I must be selfless in order to be a good girl. That I don’t deserve it. That I can’t have needs. There is also the inability to recognize my own needs, and in return, I struggle trusting myself and my body.

This struggle, like many others I carry, is the brutal reality of martyrdom passed on to me, to carry and continue. In silence and quiet. Especially as a woman, and especially in my culture.

Changing toxic core beliefs is very difficult and it takes a lot of hard, awful work. I have been learning and practicing taking care of myself, internally and physically, but even when I am sick and my body requires rest, I still feel guilt and shame for it. Awareness, mindfulness & compassion have been very important. In my awareness, I have learnt to notice my little improvements, and every time I did better than last time, when I am taking care of myself, I know I healed a little more.

Something powerful that helps me when shame and guilt are taking over, is asking myself, ‘is this what you want to show and teach your kids?’ My kids need to see me resting when I am sick. Just resting, not distress. 

Here,

Paty ♥