Seven Golds

Having to accept myself has been crucial in my journey of recovery.  It's also very difficult - to accept myself, and to truly love myself. When dealing with trauma, acceptance and self-love become the arduous work of a lifetime.  Safety is priority, not acceptance. Accepting myself didn't feel safe because I learnt, as a child, that whenever I tried to be authentic, or said what was on my mind, shared dreams, opinions, and/or emotions, the outcome would be punishment and shame. The result of being myself was abuse, either physical or mental.  I had to keep myself safe, not accept myself, to survive.  And it is impossible to love ourselves in survival mode.  As a child I needed to be "seen, heard, and supported, to develop a strong sense of self-worth." Children need this. This is how we develop acceptance and self-love.  I still find myself on edge, on fight or flight mode, trying to keep me safe. It's very difficult to get out of this place and into life....

My old therapist, from years ago, once told me that light and darkness coexist. She said, "You have been wanting to get rid of your darkness since I started talking with you; why?" I don't remember saying anything to her. I was trying to process what she had said; that light and darkness coexist. But mainly, I was thinking, defensively, "Not this darkness and these demons I am dealing with; this is different and scary and it overpowers me. I don't want it, and I don't know how to get rid of it. Please tell me how to get rid of it!" After many years of struggle, I am understanding, slowly, that where there is light there is also darkness. That although I will never be okay with the events that got me to so much darkness, building up since childhood and into my adulthood, I may be able to understand and know about light, because I know the depths of darkness. One has to truly know about darkness in order to know the light. It is here where I have found mos...