Seven Golds

Having to accept myself has been crucial in my journey of recovery.  It's also very difficult - to accept myself, and to truly love myself. When dealing with trauma, acceptance and self-love become the arduous work of a lifetime.  Safety is priority, not acceptance. Accepting myself didn't feel safe because I learnt, as a child, that whenever I tried to be authentic, or said what was on my mind, shared dreams, opinions, and/or emotions, the outcome would be punishment and shame. The result of being myself was abuse, either physical or mental.  I had to keep myself safe, not accept myself, to survive.  And it is impossible to love ourselves in survival mode.  As a child I needed to be "seen, heard, and supported, to develop a strong sense of self-worth." Children need this. This is how we develop acceptance and self-love.  I still find myself on edge, on fight or flight mode, trying to keep me safe. It's very difficult to get out of this place and into life.  The w

My old therapist, from years ago, once told me that light and darkness coexist. She said, "You have been wanting to get rid of your darkness since I started talking with you; why?" I don't remember saying anything to her. I was trying to process what she had said; that light and darkness coexist. But mainly, I was thinking, defensively, "Not this darkness and these demons I am dealing with; this is different and scary and it overpowers me. I don't want it, and I don't know how to get rid of it. Please tell me how to get rid of it!" After many years of struggle, I am understanding, slowly, that where there is light there is also darkness. That although I will never be okay with the events that got me to so much darkness, building up since childhood and into my adulthood, I may be able to understand and know about light, because I know the depths of darkness. One has to truly know about darkness in order to know the light. It is here where I have found mos