The work of Acceptance.

Having to accept myself has been crucial in my journey of recovery. 

It's also very difficult - to accept myself, and to truly love myself. When dealing with trauma, acceptance and self-love become the arduous work of a lifetime. 

Safety is priority, not acceptance.

Accepting myself didn't feel safe because I learnt, as a child, that whenever I tried to be authentic, or said what was on my mind, shared dreams, opinions, and/or emotions, the outcome would be punishment and shame. The result of being myself was abuse, either physical or mental. 

I had to keep myself safe, not accept myself, to survive. 

And it is impossible to love ourselves in survival mode. 

As a child I needed to be "seen, heard, and supported, to develop a strong sense of self-worth." Children need this. This is how we develop acceptance and self-love. 

I still find myself on edge, on fight or flight mode, trying to keep me safe. It's very difficult to get out of this place and into life. 

The work of acceptance is deep and painful work because it required to go deeply to all the uglier parts that I had suppressed and repressed. My mind did a great job at burying my memories, because it needed to keep me safe. 

The work of acceptance when dealing with deep trauma, is not just about daily rituals of acceptance, because without seeing the trauma and the damage, I couldn't accept my reality. And without accepting my reality, I couldn't accept myself. I had to begin the hard work of accepting everything that happened to me, and around me. Accepting the harm done by the people who were supposed to protect me. Accepting that the things they did were not okay. That it wasn't my fault. Accepting the damage, as it was. Seeing the raw reality, no matter how ugly. Not making excuses. 

With time, and a lot of work, pain, therapy and soul work, I began accepting myself. It has been so complex and intense, that I still don't know how to explain this process; how it actually feels. I couldn't accept myself, without this process, no matter how hard I tried. 

Without accepting my reality first. 

This isn't the work of months or a few years. As I start to recover, and start accepting myself and loving myself, some days are a bit easier, and some others, I still have to try really hard. Others, I just have to surrender to what is and remind myself that it is okay if my mental health is overpowering me. 

Paty ♥
Learn. Believe. Accept.