Seven Golds

  Things holding me,  in times of healing, recovering, depression and traumas. Since the accident, I have been feeling light-headed, a bit dizzy, some muscle pain and back pain. As of yesterday with nausea, while dealing with insurance companies- I knew it was not going to be easy, especially in an era of COVID 19. I already experienced a few moments of feeling down. Emotional. Vulnerable and about to break.  Moments of depression knocking on my soul. Of feeling that I am dealing with so much emotionally- Really trying my best to recover, heal, move forward. To feel a sense of aliveness and hope.  Lately I have been working a lot on not letting myself go down. Really down. My therapist told me not long ago that right now, a few things didn't matter- Joy, happiness, positivity, etc. None of that matters in this place, she said. What matters is that you don't allow that strong thing that pulls you down - pull you down. And that is exactly what I have been doing - Tryin...

And just like that, I am visiting my son in his new apartment. His own place.  On his own- Making his own decisions. Growing. Paying his own bills. Decorating, arranging, buying... Growing into a man. Into the adult he will become one day. Three hours away from me.  Claiming and living his independence. With a life ahead that will test him, carry him, love him, compensate and provide. A life with disappointments just for him, and him alone, that will hurt my heart as if they were mine, while I remind myself it's ok, pain is part of life, and I can't protect him from it. I can only be there, next to him, with my heart open. A life with rewards, just for him, that I will celebrate as if they were mine. Then I will stop and give thanks to God for those little moments. He moved in with his girlfriend and my goddaughter. The three of them walking into a new life. Into independence and adulthood.  On their own- Growing. I left emotional. Crying with my hands on the wheel while ...

This is what my camera, so intimately, captured.  It was my second day of bad panic attacks. I took a bath to feel better. Instead I realized it was time to walk into the ugliest fears of my past. The miracle of healing never came without pain and suffering. I took the camera out to capture part of my delicate, terrifying moment. - That was just the beginning of five awful, mentally-drained weeks.  A week and a half ago I drove over to Eastern WA to stay with my family because I needed a break from myself. Paty. ♥