What change means to me, right now.

I am leaving my job. Two weeks from tomorrow will be my last day.

This was one of the hardest decisions of my life and not easy to come to it. 

When I told my therapist she reminded me that I have done hard things in the past. It gave me peace of mind for about a minute, because I also remember promising myself never to do this again- putting myself in that position of not having a job or money.

Now here I am. Again. 

Brené Brown said once that when we work with family, our unhealthy, unresolved patterns come to the surface the most. For me it was codependency, toxic guilt, feeling responsible for others, and maybe a few more. I am sure that the fact I am the big sister also played a big part, in my broken parts.

Of course, there have also been the good parts that I brought in like commitment, loyalty, dedication, responsibility, solving problems, figuring things out, communication, projecting, bringing difficult conversations to the table, and a few others. They also had, and still have, their own strengths.

It is for the best for me to step away for the benefit of all. I also realized this is what I need to do so I can start creating my life and future. Start stepping into who I am. I have, and always will, have a lot of respect and gratitude for them.

My anxiety levels have been through the roof with a few sleepless nights already. But I knew, and felt it too, that I was going to be walking into difficult territory.

I keep having strong moments of "what in the world are you doing?!" "Oh God, what am I going to do, this is madness?" And "what are you doing leaving a job in this economy?!" Thoughts that have wrapped me in fears completely. But then I rescue myself.

I keep going back to my center reminding myself that this is the right thing to do, even if it is scary. Big scary. That I need to trust my decisions, intuition & journey.

I also have been listening to some videos to help me fall asleep and calm my nerves that my therapist sent me. Work in progress.

Yesterday, when my anxiety was intense and I was trying to figure out how I am going to survive what's coming in the following weeks, months, I remembered that Martha Beck talks about figuring out ways to move from our anxiety into creativity. I asked myself, "how do I help myself using creativity?" "What does creativity mean to me?" It is writing, and photography. When I am going through internal changes, and chaos, I can't write. And I didn't think I could write for a few more weeks, but yesterday I realized that my creativity will be essential in these transitions.

Here,

Paty ♥