Walking into a new Phase.


Depression, burnout, CPTSD, overwhelm and intense emotions hit me hard again. My traumas and triggers reactivated and I went into survival mode. I was putting up a big fight, trying. "I'll take a day off and tomorrow I will be better."

Weeks of struggle, and finally last week, I realized how difficult it was just to take a shower. Slowly, I started to let my guard down. I was going through another bad depressive episode and fighting the symptoms in my inability to recognize them, even though they were there, was only making things worse.

Recovering from bad mental health episodes is excruciating, and it takes time, depending on a lot of factors. 

I had a long session with my therapist, figuring out what to do next. We have been talking about beginning EMDR, but she was waiting for me to get mentally stronger. Now, she wasn't sure if continuing waiting for the right time was a good idea. She asked me what I would like to do, and I said I didn't want to wait anymore. 

I know I have a long journey ahead, with this therapy, due to its intensity and having to revive traumatic memories. I have been a little afraid, and my therapist is worried I won't be able to cope. She did say it will get worse before it gets better, so I am doing my best. 

I had this little intuition the other day, that I am walking into a new phase in my recovery. I don't know what this therapy will bring, but I am pushing forward with it until the end, adjusting my environment to conserve my energies and protect my mental health. I also feel that this next phase will be the phase of truly building self-confidence, self-pride, connect with my internal power & independence. As well as strengthening my intuition and spirituality more.

I am also working on figuring out how to find balance between acceptance and recovery. I need to know when to recognize the symptoms, accept and let go, and when to fight back. 

Sometimes my mental illness takes over and I have to move into extra self-care and self-love. Other times I fight back with all I have -  "I am not going down like this!"

Every time I prevail, I get a bit stronger and resilient. Every time I accept my struggles I feel wiser and at peace. Every time I stop in the midst of my suffering to be grateful and find joy in the little things in front of me, I feel closer to God and to my center. 

"What if we don't have to be healed
to be whole? There are holes in every inch
of the fabric that makes me who I am."
- Andrea Gibson

Paty ♥
Learn. Believe. Allow.
Love. Zeal. Balance.

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