Confidence & its struggles.
Confidence and humility are not opposite; they work together. Humble means that you are open and still learning. You are confident on your abilities and on making decisions, but you are still open to others’ experiences, knowledge and learning more. Having assurance communication vs. aggressive communication.
I expressed that whenever I tried, something in me hesitated and I couldn't get past that. That my relationship with confidence is as bad as my relationship with power: unhealthy, confusing, complicated, outrageous and tiring. I told her I am struggling understanding its real meaning, and that I feel confidence is the opposite of humility. We talked about how I have experienced arrogance, which is not the same as confidence, but now I may confuse it with it, and how my idea of confidence is possibly twisted. We talked about how, especially in religion, and as a woman, having confidence and being humble can be twisted. If you are assured or display confidence, it can be perceived as not being humble.
My journey with confidence has taught me that it is about understanding what confidence is and isn't. I didn't arrive to this knowledge easy; behind it is all the hard work in getting to the underlying reasons that have caused low self-confidence since childhood and into adulthood.
I can also assure you that feeling stuck for sure takes all of my confidence away. So does depression. I read an article on the National Alliance on Mental Illness, highlighting the link between depression and anxiety with low confidence. It states that "low self-esteem tends to work in a vicious cycle with other mental health issues like depression and anxiety. [...] the combination is both common and troublesome. Someone who already lives with a mental illness may find that low self-esteem develops due to the social stigma surrounding mental illness. Stigma can perpetuate the feeling that they have somehow failed." Little note: Stigma is one of the reasons I keep talking about mental health and my struggles with it.
It is very difficult to get out of that cycle.
To gain confidence, it takes a lot of pain, sweat and wanting to just give up. I need to fight for it, continuously. I am learning that it's not going to come before, but after the combat, if I didn't give up when everything in me wanted to give up.
When I do the things that feel scary and terrifying.
When my brain is screaming at me, "what's the point, nothing is going to change, you are kidding yourself! You are stuck again, and you will continue being stuck."
I don't know what the point is most of the time when I am fighting with all that I have to get past my big mental blocks that feel so real. But I think that is why confidence comes after I keep pushing forward. On the other side, I can find a little more strength and a little more confidence in myself, because I didn't give up when I was terrified. When everything in me believed there was no point in even trying anymore. The thing about all of this, I'm finding out, is that this new strength and confidence are solid; well-earned. Needed to be able to tackle the next mental battle or challenge.
And that is the point. To feel better, to slowly build self-confidence and self-love, because it is needed to keep going. To take the next step, and to build more.
I'm listening to a podcast on co-dependency, and I think the following is important on continuing to strengthen my relationship with confidence:
"Continually, every day, re-discovering ourselves, who we are, what we feel, what we want, what we don't like, what we have to offer in the world, taking a seat at the table; there is so many different phases in life we all go through. And to learn to love ourselves and don't turn on ourselves when we go through these phases, or when we don't do them perfectly."
Paty ♥
Learn. Believe. Allow.
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