Seven Golds

  "When the unthinkable happens, and does not relent, we fall through our hubris toward an inner flow, an abiding & rebirthing darkness that feels like home." - Barbara Holmes "The crisis begins without warning, shatters our assumptions about the way the world works, and changes our story & the stories of our neighbors. The reality that was so familiar to us is gone suddenly, and we don't know what is happening. If life, as we experience it, is a fragile crystal orb that holds our daily routines and dreams of order and stability, then sudden & catastrophic crises shatter this illusion of normalcy. [...] It is cracking open, the rupture and shuttering of self, community expectations, and presumptions about how the world works. It is the result of trauma, free fall and wounding." "There are many entry points into these sacred reflective spaces." And there are many rebirths and many deaths. The Journey changed me. But it also took me to who i ...

I have been struggling with confidence, and this is what my therapist said, when I told her I needed help with it because I just couldn't figure it out: Confidence and humility are not opposite; they work together. Humble means that you are open and still learning. You are confident on your abilities and on making decisions, but you are still open to others’ experiences, knowledge and learning more. Having assurance communication vs. aggressive communication.  I expressed that whenever I tried, something in me hesitated and I couldn't get past that. That my relationship with confidence is as bad as my relationship with power: unhealthy, confusing, complicated, outrageous and tiring. I told her I am struggling understanding its real meaning, and that I feel confidence is the opposite of humility. We talked about how I have experienced arrogance, which is not the same as confidence, but now I may confuse it with it, and how my idea of confidence is possibly twisted. We talked abo...

i am enough. Paty ♥

  The Monday I had Jury Duty, was the Monday after my cousin's wedding, at the beginning of September. The Friday before that Saturday, the kids and I finally were able to take out most of the old furniture out of the house and take it to the dump. I have been wanting to do this for years, but my mental health wouldn't allow it. Whenever I thought about it, or about pushing myself to do it, I couldn't, making things worse with guilt and shame. That Friday evening, after we came back home, it felt peaceful and joyful. The house felt emptier, but the good kind of empty. We were too tired to drive three hours for the wedding, so we waited for Saturday morning. When I have too much going on and I know stress will become excessive, I zone out to stay in the present, telling myself I can handle whatever I have in front of me. I knew the following week was going to be tough after the weekend trip, and I was afraid of tiring myself too much again, resulting in another depressive ep...