A journey ends. A journey begins.
The transition from victim to survivor has been exhausting and brutal.
A journey had to end- the Spiritual journey. It's been ten years and a half, and exactly nine years when, in August of 2015, in the midst of my distress and confusion, when I asked God for help, the answer was, "write a book."
I always imagined the journey would end in a form of a miracle. All would be well. I would stand up, in my power and strength with my shiny armor ready to build and take-on the world. Boy was I wrong! These past weeks, I started having that small realization when my soul knew it was time to end this journey and begin a new one.
Maybe it was supposed to be my choice?
I could no longer wait for a miracle or for the journey to end on its own. For everything to have a resolution. For myself to be in that state of perfection that is not even possible; it never will. Ending the journey didn't mean perfection or restoration. I still deal with my mental health on a daily basis. I still have to put up a fight each day. It just meant I had to make the choice.
A choice that happened gradually.
At the same time, I started facing a lot of challenges - "Are these the challenges of a hero in a long journey right before the end?"
I don't know, but it has been one challenge after another.
My brother had a three-day-wedding. I was really tired, and when I needed to recover things started spinning out of control, one after another, that instead of recovering, I had a complete relapse.
Work got unexpectedly busy and challenging right after the wedding.
The appointment for the jaw surgery evaluation got cancelled again. I have been dealing with this facility since December and I still haven't been able to see them.
Issues with my personal insurance.
I was called for jury duty again - it hasn't happened yet.
Started having issues with the HOA due to small things and it has been mentally exhausting.
Lucian decided to finish her last high school year living with her big sister, and although I am supported, a part of me is sad that I will miss those moments before she turns eighteen and starts being more independent.
Finding a U-Haul truck also became a small mission.
Some minor health issues.
When I was finally trying to catch my breath, my social media accounts were hacked. In all the years of having social media, this is the first time it happens. Someone tried to get into IG some weeks prior, but I was able to stop it. I lost access to the account for a few days but then it was all right.
Then they got creative. Somehow, they figured out how to get into my own email account. From there they were able to change my Facebook password and gain access to the account. They did the same on Instagram, also changing the email address for IG. All happened in the course of the night and when I got up the next morning, I had all these notifications and emails, but it was too late. I spent some time figuring and fixing the mess and reporting the issue. They bought a subscription in FB with my debit card, because it was linked to the account. I had to work with the bank and cancel the card, just in case. Then update some things. I also reported the issue to IG, but I lost access to that account in the meantime. The whole thing was so intense that I haven't had the mental strength to find out if I already have access to it, nor to figure out what the damage was. The truth is that I felt vulnerable; my privacy was compromised so easily, without me having a saying in it. And the way it happened, the insistency and the trouble they went through, it was so weird that I can't help it but to think it was personal; I just don't have the energies to wonder about it or dwell in it.
Suddenly, I had no choice but to start changing my attitude or I wasn't going to make it. If I didn't step into my power, I didn't have a chance. If I didn't start believing in myself and in my abilities, there was no way of making it.
But it's a daily practice.
The other day, when I was cleaning the back yard, I had this small intuition that things are actually falling into place. I don't think I remember - ever, feeling that. That things are falling into place. It was peaceful.
The adjusting hasn't been easy; I am tired and shaky, still. I have to sleep a lot and take it easy. I have also been aligning - my mind, soul, body, thoughts and intentions. Of course, I still have to work on it, especially when my mental health struggles start kicking in. But I started to feel steadier and more present.
I have wondered, throughout the years, how the end will look like. What's next?
Will the darkness show up and take everything away, again?
I read the following on 8/25, about the REORDER stage:
"Only in the final reorder stage can darkness and light coexist, can paradox be okay."
I know that I will continue with therapy, but I will figure out how to balance healing with everything else. I might be able to start having sessions once a week instead of twice, but I don't know yet. It was only some months ago I was doing really bad I started looking into putting myself in an institution.
The focus is starting to move into fixing the house. Doing my best to stay focused with work - my mind can get really unsettled -. And my creativity. I am starting to accept that using my creativity as much as I can, now, will help me strengthening my mental and emotional state, as well as helping me staying connected with who i am.
A new Journey begins.
Maybe it's okay if I don't know how to start or where to begin.
Perhaps is normal after everything.
The transition from a long Spiritual journey to a new one.
From victim to survivor.
From being so lost.
From experiencing so much darkness.
It's okay if for now, i am just here, in this space. Ending. Beginning.
Paty ♥
Learn. Believe. Allow.
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