Things I learnt this week.


Impatience is my enemy, and I was struggling with it, a lot.

Fears truly are the most difficult thing to overcome- 

Someone said that "the world is kept whole by those who can overcome their fear, however briefly."

That "shoulds" set unrealistic expectations, and that they come from guilt and shame. 

That "mental illness is a lot tougher than most other challenges that you face."

That it takes time to build resilience...

It takes TIME. 

I think that my impatience heavily crashed with the reality of time, and it was messy.

That relapses will happen. Again and again and again. They are part of the process. 

That maybe I have this idea - a big picture of being healed instead of seeing it as small blocks. Sometimes I make peace with this realization, and other times I stumble and fall. 

I was doing okay, making bits of progress. Suddenly and unexpectedly, I had a relapse. It was a bad one and it lasted for over a week. I hit a very low point on Saturday, mentally, when I just couldn't take the heaviness of the darkness anymore. 

That after a bad relapse, I am vulnerable and I have to be extremely careful on what I allow to enter my mind. These are the days that I need to work extra hard in shutting down any negative thoughts, and keep my mind entertained in something- I can't be alone with my thoughts these days.

That telling myself I will never get better, when I am depressed, is really, really bad. The worst part is for how long I have believed this. "Always" or "never" "is a never-ending pattern of defeat."

That making mistakes is actually better than living in a constant struggle of always trying to avoid making mistakes, either subconsciously or consciously. This, too, has taken the life out of me. Not to mention the humility of knowing that, well, I am human. And the experience and wisdom that comes from it.

That anxiety, sometimes, comes right after an episode of depression. Because depression means fatigue and no energies, but anxiety requires energies.

Of how extremely important it is to continue working on changing my darkened view of the world.

I started praying to God to help me turn this story around, into a powerful one. 

"Every time we decide to trust and begin again, resurrection happens." 

How to change the narrative...




Paty ♥
Learn. Believe. Allow.

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