Seven Golds

When everything else fails, I have the mountains.   They have wonder, wisdom, peace, spiritual connection. Reminders that, if paying close attention to, every day has little miracles. But they also have triggers, in my vulnerability and solitude.  Someone said that you can either go through the pain of transition or the pain of stagnation. These past weeks I have been struggling a lot with transition and change. I was putting a lot of resistance again, although I gave myself permission to do it, temporarily. In the battlefield, I keep telling myself, bravely, that I either live in fear, or live. But I think this is where the trouble might be- that I keep thinking is either or. I had one humble moment, the other day, when I went hiking, which is where I connect more with my soul and spirituality. I said to God that I really wanted to leave all of my fears and worries to Him and the Universe, to be taken care of. But the truth is, I said, I can't. What has been happening since t...

Impatience is my enemy, and I was struggling with it, a lot. Fears truly are the most difficult thing to overcome-  Someone said that "the world is kept whole by those who can overcome their fear, however briefly." That "shoulds" set unrealistic expectations, and that they come from guilt and shame.  That "mental illness is a lot tougher than most other challenges that you face." That it takes time to build resilience... It takes TIME.  I think that my impatience heavily crashed with the reality of time, and it was messy. That relapses will happen. Again and again and again. They are part of the process.  That maybe I have this idea - a big picture of being healed instead of seeing it as small blocks. Sometimes I make peace with this realization, and other times I stumble and fall.  I was doing okay, making bits of progress. Suddenly and unexpectedly, I had a relapse. It was a bad one and it lasted for over a week. I hit a very low point on Saturday, menta...

I have days that I feel, and see, how much mental and internal work there is, still.  It can be quite discouraging.  Then, other days, even for brief moments, I can feel an unexpected feeling of clarity and hope. Those unrecognizable moments that feel like a miracle. This week, I have been having consistent depression since Sunday. There were the days that my mind was betraying me, but I still pushed myself - it wasn't fun-. Or the day that I actually had to stop the battle, surrender to what it was, and leave room for not being okay. In that space of surrender, I was able to go over some of my clothes that don't fit me anymore and drove to meet with a nice woman new to this country who needed them. These kinds of days it's crucial to manage to choose kindness towards myself instead of shaming. I think this is why I was able to do something for someone else. And days like today, that I managed to continue the pushing and the moving up, even if I was shaking, and telling mys...