I am fighting with all that I have to rescue myself.

These past months, I have been fighting with all that I have to save myself...

The truth is, as it became clearer, that I lost myself. In the abuse, the trauma, the mental health, the darkness.

In the trauma loop.

I tried, for many painful years, but I didn't know how to build myself up again.

Or stand up.

It's also truth that I wasn't ready, or in condition to do it.

Another truth is that at some point, it also became comfortable. I already knew how to survive inside my mental prison walls. I knew what to do in the okay days, and also the horrible days.

But living within those walls is not living, and it was becoming unbearable.

When the time came; when I felt this strong feeling of change, I put a lot of resistance at first. I was terrified beyond any words. I also didn't know if I could trust this little voice that honestly, I couldn't even recognize anymore.

In fact, my intuition wasn't quite developed. Nor was I.

I became imprisoned of my survival and need for protection.

But maybe, just maybe, if I listen to this little voice...? I thought.

Maybe if I followed that little, tiny voice that felt a bit peaceful, but was still buried under the louder, cruel and convincing screams in my mind.

In reality, mental health illnesses steal the life out of you.

I became nothing but my traumas, pain and sorrow. My mental health disorders. Someone inside a dark pit who was trying really hard to get out but couldn't. Living in paranoia, intense fears, hypervigilance, barely surviving.

I didn't know how to build myself back up again.

I lost my power, control, strength and ability. My hope, and most of my faith and spirit.

Joy. Ability to make any kind of decisions, outside of what was needed to survive.

I lost my identity and individuality. Self-confidence, self-esteem & self-worth.

The essential belief and trust in myself, others, & the world.

My future and my potential.

Creativity. Intuition.

Ability to feel love again.

I no longer knew how life felt like- to feel alive. Feel something other than numbness, detachment, or mental health symptoms.

A few months ago, when change came knocking on my doors, a new battle began.

I listened. I started fighting back.

But the transition has been brutal. Incorporating into life, again, outside of survival mode has been a great challenge to take, and the heaviness of uncertainty overwhelming and paralyzing.

Change, as it turns out to be the case for someone dealing with trauma, and already fears the world for the most part, is one of the most challenging things to accept and embrace.

"Metathesiophobia: an intense fear of change; it triggers severe anxiety and panic attacks."

A big part of me knew that I had to keep pushing forward if I ever wanted to get better. To go where change was pushing me. To push against my unbearable fears, doubts, confusion, anxiety and panic attacks. I had to push against my own self and everything that I learnt as being true, but it isn't.

I also knew that in order to do that, I needed to start taking risks. Go where I was most afraid to go.

It honestly felt like I was throwing myself down into a cliff, not knowing if I was going to develop wings or not.

I believe that despite the intensity of the fears consuming me, and even with the panic attacks and anxiety- somewhere in there, as the result of those challenging risks, I felt my wings for the first time.

Hope, even if for just seconds, was felt again.

And life. A small sensation of life; of feeling alive, for a moment. "This is how life feels like?" I thought, when I felt it, again, by surprise.

I have managed, most of the time, to rescue myself when I am going down into the dark pit about to lose myself where my brain is betraying me. That was good, and I was able to recognize it.

But I also have had setbacks. And full days of not being able to rescue myself. Days of feeling lost again, or trapped. What happened in those confusing parts of regression, was that I was forced, again, to go find my center. Find my Self, my Spirit, and stay there, with me, nothing else. Even in the pain. Accepting the pain, either physically or mentally, makes it more bearable. Pain hurts me more when I am tense and scared.

I had to relearn that setbacks will happen. I have to be reminded of what I am dealing with. Other times, I had to learn new things, like how bad I actually was struggling with internalized oppression.

Change, for me, right now, means pushing forward, no matter what. It is a hard choice that I have to make every day. To keep my mind and heart open. To push against the heavy resistance. To challenge my internalized, negative beliefs that were formed to keep me protected from more pain and hurt. And above all, to not listen and to challenge the internalized but wrong beliefs I have about myself. Beliefs that were implanted by others.

Change, for me, is listening to what I think is my intuition, and to my strength, to be able to figure out what step to take next. And know that one step at a time is all I can do.

It has been about trusting a bit more in the process. Reconnecting with my spirituality, and working really, really hard to believe again.

To believe in myself - especially this - to believe in myself.

To trust myself and trust the journey.

Taking my power and control back, little by little.

Figure out my self-identity, outside of survival and coping mechanisms.

Build self-confidence and self-worth. Strength of Spirit, mind and body.

Recover my individuality, my dreams and goals. My vision, creativity and future.

I finally became at peace with where I am, since I realized how angry I was. I was angry because life wasn't supposed to be this way. Because I am far from where I thought I would be, as a person. Because suffering a mental illness and its consequences was not what I imagined my life would be.

Coming to peace with this acceptance has been meaningful, powerful and humbling.

I am fighting so I can figure out how to go from survival, to thriving. I need to figure out what 'thrive' means, for me.

In the pushing and pushing, I realized something. That what I have been trying all these years is to 'heal' so I can go out there, into the world, to save it. Be somebody. Have something meaningful to say.

When in reality, I haven't been able to save my own self.

I finally understood, why, every time I feel lost, or are going through adversities, God always sends me back to me. Because I am the focus.

I am rescuing myself-

The mission is to rescue myself. Build myself up from under the ground and depths of mental health and darkness. Build a better future. Figure out how to transform my mental health into a superpower instead of working against me. Create. Share my story.

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"Most things break instead of transform because they resist."