Losing Hope.

I saw and remembered the pain in the world, outside of my own.

There is so much pain out there, outside of my own world.

So many people who need help. 

I saw how much darkness I am carrying.

And how the Light stopped getting in a long time ago.

I realized how much my energies are blocked.

How stuck and paralyzed I am.

How my fears are so, so intense, that they have become the driver of my life, because I feel I have lost all control of it.

I have stayed, and created my own little world, to stay safe. To protect myself. To deal with my darkness and mental health, that my world has become too self-centered. Too powerful and negative.

I know what it is like to lose all hope. In everything. In life, in people. To no longer see the goodness of others.

I am a very sensitive person. The pain of the world affects me. Seeing so much lack of compassion and kindness affects me. 

Seeing the most vulnerable suffering as a result of the cruelty of the powerful and mighty affects me.

And having gone through the things I have gone through has affected me in ways I can't even put in words yet.

To find hope again, after it has been lost for so long, I don't know how to do it yet. I have tried for years already, and I can tell you that it requires so, so much from me. 

It's hard to accept I lost my spark.

How do I do it again?

Stand up. Find meaning and purpose. Hope.

Hope in the midst of darkness, helplessness, hopelessness.

How do I do that?

The other day I was going deep into my darkest fears again. I was having panic attacks already. I was starting to feel like the floor underneath me was going to be removed, and I needed a safety net, but I couldn't find it.

I prayed. 

I have been praying a lot.

Unable to find a safeguard, I promised God I will continue working on myself, no matter how hard and painful it is. 

I asked for some clarity and mercy. Because I can't deal with so much hopelessness and darkness anymore.

Because I don't want my energies so blocked that they just remove the life out of me.

I saw myself in my own dark and negative world. So self-centered as if this is all there is. As if no one else existed.

I saw and remembered the pain in the world, outside of my own.

I remembered how much some people need me. 

I remembered how I actually want to do good - help others, somehow. I don't know how yet, but perhaps God made me a writer for a reason.

I don't know exactly what is happening right now, with me and this internal swift. But I am working really hard on keeping my heart open. On not having so much resistance. On talking with my therapist about things I never wanted to talk about before. Honestly, it has been extremely painful to do this. I am doing all the work, no matter how hard it is. Sometimes I feel like my heart is ripped open that I just want to crawl back to my safe place.

But I don't.

In a podcast I was listening today, about fear of abandonment and dialectical behavior therapy, it said to just accept how I feel, when the heavy emotions come in, like fear. And in a way it has helped- to just say, "I am really, really afraid right now", and breath, because I also feel the world is about to end. 

My internal work has to continue, but in a more benevolent way, and not so wrapped up with my mental health and darkness.

I don't know yet how to reach out, to help other people. But I can try to be there for my loved ones. Besides, around us, there is almost always someone in need.

Maybe the hope and Light that I desperately need will not come from all the cruel places in the world.

Or my safe place of protection.

But from all the times I manage to step out of it, to see beyond my walls of defense, and see, truly see others.

Paty ♥