Adjusting to Life: There is Creativity in Anxiety.

 

I have been absent these past weeks because I needed to disconnect as much as possible.

And connect with myself-

Again.

All I know, right now, is that there are bigger things happening out there.

Bigger than ourselves.

And each one of us plays a small role in it.

Either by stepping up, raising our voice, creating waves...

And change.

Or by having the conversations with our children.

At home.

Conversations about racism.

Privilege.

Entitlement.

Respect and fear.

FEAR.

Especially fear.

But, for now,

I hope everyone is all right. I am a bit better....

However, I still have struggles ahead. 

But things are getting better, emotionally.

I have continued having my therapy sessions over the phone.

I wish I could share more about that.

What I have to work on -

But I can't yet.

I told my son Angel last night I had therapy and I told him we didn't even talk about depression this time. He told me it was great because he didn't realized I had therapy. Normally they figure it out even if I don't tell them because I get distant and detached after therapy.

Because of deep conversations.

Things I had (or have) to confront. Work on.

"Progress happens over time." He told me last night while he was enjoying the moon light and asked me if I was jealous.

A little, but I had the stars on my side.

The photos I am sharing is prove that I am getting better.

Because I can share them now.

I can talk about them.

Without having PTSD or an anxiety attack just by looking at them.  

They are from October. I was having a terrible anxiety attack, and I needed something to get me through it.

I still couldn't touch my camera-

Same reason- my camera and all the old photos that I still haven't touch- some even from 

two years ago- 

They reminded me of all the times of deep depression when I used my photography to get through it.

Until the camera was a reminder of those times so I put it away.

Which is why these photos were taken with my iPhone.

I figured out how to put my phone on auto mode to take the phots (last photo).

Lucián asked me what I was doing, so I explained I was having a mini photo shoot because I was experiencing an anxiety attack.

She immediately had an idea-

The photos below were her creation. I just participated. She chose the outfit, the red lipstick, the curtain covering my face.

She even brought a lamp to place next to me for lightning since it was night.

I was impressed. Speechless.

She truly was acting as a little professional photographer.

She reminded me of the old me.

When I used to have ideas- creative ideas and actually implement them.

I wondered if I was going to be able to be that person again.

-- But for now, I was just proud.

And emotional. 

About protecting her. About creating a better life for her, and the others.

So they can bloom. In all that they are.

These photos were not intended to be perfect.  I believe the lipstick is a little all over the place, and I can see my face in distress in some of my photos. I could have covered some of that distress with makeup, or use photoshop to remove my face lines. Instead, they represent struggle. Creativity. A deep moment between my daughter and I.

And some hope.

Stay healthy and well.

Paty ♥