Day Two. A letter to depression.

Dear depression,

Good morning. Here you are again. You barely let me sleep last night, and today - good morning again. Since you are the first thing I see when I look at myself in the mirror, and since you refuse to leave my side, perhaps we can get to know each other. Become friends, if you will; just so that we can understand each other.

Now that we are a little more comfortable, and I have you face to face, let's put a few things straight. About me and about this relationship.

First of all, I don't like you. I seriously don't. But I respect you. I respect your dedication and how you don't give up easily. I also know it is not your fault you are here, and if it makes you feel better, I am not mad at you - I just don't like you.

What your purpose is I seriously don't know - but let's figure that out together, should we?

I can see how passionate you are about your work. It seems that at times your only mission is to bring me down. And since you are so passionate, I am assuming you enjoy what you do. I give you credits for that - so, keep it up! I already realized how much you enjoy messing up with me; even with the simplest things in my life.

I suppose that yesterday morning, when I was in the closet, looking for a sweater to wear with my white shirt, and for a few minutes I felt lost and my world seemed pretty dark, because I was losing the ability to choose a simple outfit, and that simple task felt like the biggest struggle in the world.

It was also a struggle to put on make-up.  To write a check to Lucian's school lunch the other night, and to open my laptop to write a Happy Birthday post to Tara. I have to force myself to do those little simple things- and honestly, that is pretty low. I do not enjoy how the simplest things have become a struggle.

But in the middle of that dark moment, I stop, and remind myself that you are here. And that I am here. That you don't take over and you are just a visitor.

Have you noticed that I haven't got angry at you? Even when I feel you are consuming me, I just let you stay, patiently, with love. Not because I love you; we already established I don't. But because I am better.  Even when I know that you are taking away my joy, my abilities to function well, and simple little pleasures, I am choosing to stay calm and kind.

Now, come closer to me and look directly into my eyes.

You thought that because I am vulnerable, weak and out of strength I was going to be your easy target. And I don't blame you. You thought that you could attack me and throw me into an abyss. And yes, you actually did. You have had your victories, but you need to know that I let you had those victories; I hope you enjoyed them. Yes, I am aware you may have a few more - I know you are not done.

But it is at this point that you need to be reminded who you are dealing with. Because you need to know; it wouldn't be fair for you if you don't know your target.

There is way more to me.

I don't give up either- we have this in common. I don't give up even when I have already given up.

I am not afraid of pain.

I am not afraid of going into the darkness; perhaps you are already figuring this out about me; that I have been there way too many times.

I am not afraid of inviting you over, but I am sure you are already getting that vibe from me.

Each day that you decide to stay I will get better at having you around. Hey, one of these days I might actually do something nice for you, so that you don't feel as lonely. It is not my intention to make you sad; I wouldn't want that.

And speaking of feeling alone, I do not feel alone. So, don't even try going there.

And since we are in the subject, let me remind you what you already know. I have my kids and my family and my friends. And all of them have been supportive. You see, I taught my kids a few things about kindness, compassion and love. And I also know how to say 'I need help' if I need to. And if you put me in a corner, I will find a way out.

I will keep going. Even when I don't know how, I will keep going. If there is one thing that I know - - is how to figure a way out from difficult situations.

You will not consume my heart. You may take over my body at times, but I will not let you into my heart; you do not have permission. And you wouldn't be able to. I know I am weak, but my heart isn't. I also decide who goes into my heart and who doesn't.

And in case you haven't figure it out, I love myself. A lot. Like a lot, actually. I am kind and compassionate, with myself, especially during these times. Have you noticed the times I stop to remind myself how much love I have, and how beautiful I am? I am sure you have because when I do that you walk a few feet away.

Since you insist in taking my joy, now I am reduced to find and create little pieces of it. Nothing wrong with that, I suppose.  We actually kind of like each other, joy and I; it's just that we don't see ourselves very often. And just to make you feel a little uncomfortable, I can't wait for the day that you move out of my bed and joy moves in. That will be a night to remember.

You especially need to know that I am watching you; every move that you make and take, I am watching it- I am studying you to your core until I figure out how you work; until I find all about your weaknesses and discover your dirty little secrets. You see, in your weakness I will find my strength.

Since you are so committed to messing up with me, with my abilities and my life, the least that I can do is get some wisdom out of you- and use it on my favor and against you.

I will also use my talents against you. I will keep writing about you. I will expose you to the world and embarrass you like if it was my business. Just because you like to mess with people's joys and pleasures.

I will use all that I have to defeat you. In fact, I will even use what I don't have. Because that's just who I am. Perhaps you were not aware of the type of person I am; or you just forgot about it. But this is a good moment to remind you that you are messing with the wrong person.

You will not be able to defeat me. I already know a few things about despair, darkness and failure. And I am starting to get to know you. I know how to look into the eyes of my enemies.

Please know that I am not at war with you; I do not take my enemies to war. I study them, confront them, and slowly turn their strengths into my own wisdom. Then, they retrieve on their own. Or we become good friends. Either way works for me.

Just in case you didn't know - I confronted all of my fears, and they are bigger and scarier than you. Or maybe not- I think you both are a little like brothers, to be honest. But I just wanted to remind you that I defeated my fears. Of course they show up some times; they always will - it is part of life. I am just a little wiser every time they visit. Although I have to admit that at times I am afraid of all the good things, but I am working on it. Well, honestly, it is not your business. And if you use that against me, I will fight back.

I will not fight against you, but I will fight for myself. Because I am a fighter. I am sorry if no one told you that before you decided to attack me, but now you know. I love myself enough to fight. For me and my tomorrows.

I am not letting you stay because I want to; but because I know you have a mission. And I will let you leave, on your own, when you have accomplished that mission.

For now, here we are. You will have your victories at times, and I hope that you can celebrate my victories as well. But if your mission is to bring me down- well, that just won't happen.

Paty