Seven Golds

The goal of EMDR therapy is to connect with a traumatic memory to trigger the negative emotions associated with the memory. It has not been easy! It is hard and intense, with brutal side effects that are difficult to cope with and go through. I feel disoriented, and I have nightmares that sometimes wake me up in panic attacks. My emotional distress increased, intensely and all at once with symptoms of heightened anxiety, depression, sadness and anger. Feeling on edge and experiencing psychosis episodes; this feeling that I am going mad, which makes me want to scream in desperation. Plus the physical symptoms like headaches, muscle tension, lots of fatigue and digestive issues getting worse.  My therapist keeps telling me that I can do hard things. That I have done hard things before, and that I am doing EMDR, which is hard to do.  'I can do hard things;' I keep telling myself often. Sometimes she asks me if I want to stop, and I say "no, we keep going." Paty ♥

Depression, burnout, CPTSD, overwhelm and intense emotions hit me hard again. My traumas and triggers reactivated and I went into survival mode. I was putting up a big fight, trying. "I'll take a day off and tomorrow I will be better." Weeks of struggle, and finally last week, I realized how difficult it was just to take a shower. Slowly, I started to let my guard down. I was going through another bad depressive episode and fighting the symptoms in my inability to recognize them, even though they were there, was only making things worse. Recovering from bad mental health episodes is excruciating, and it takes time, depending on a lot of factors.  I had a long session with my therapist, figuring out what to do next. We have been talking about beginning EMDR, but she was waiting for me to get mentally stronger. Now, she wasn't sure if continuing waiting for the right time was a good idea. She asked me what I would like to do, and I said I didn't want to wait anymore...

"Let's move forward with love, not conquest; humility, not righteousness; generous curiosity, not hardened assumptions. It is a magnificent thing to be alive in a moment that matters so much. Let's proceed with broken-open hearts, seeking truth, summoning courage & focused on solutions." .... it is a magnificent thing to be alive in a moment that matters so much .... I needed this, this week. This year. In this specific time in my life. Paty ♥ Love. Zeal. Balance.

  In 2024, I gave the fight of my life. I started fighting for my recovery and healing without any strength and without knowing if I was doing the right thing. I was challenged and tested with so many obstacles, fears and setbacks. A lot of times I thought I wasn't going to make it through, or that I was never going to get better. Each time, I had to challenge those thoughts. "It's possible to get better, it's possible..." I would repeat this over and over. "It's possible, I can do it." My therapist would say, sometimes that recovery is possible. I believe the last time she said this was only a month or two ago. Something would click in me, whenever she said this affirmation: 'recovery is possible.' Unfamiliar words holding a truth, realizing that if she was saying it, she had a reason for it.  I had to face, internally, all that was unresolved. When I realized how lost I was, I had to find myself. I worked a lot on the relationship with myse...

  An article I was reading this week talked about the privilege that it is to use our words.  I keep going back to this - our words are a privilege. They also carry a lot of power. I don't really support the sentiment of not taking anything personal, because I believe that anything directed at you is personal! This sentiment only promotes the idea of not having to be responsible with our words and making the person receiving them culpable for how they feel and how they react.   I truly believe that our words have the power to destroy others or build them up. To create hope or hate. War or peace. To be authentic and honest, or in denial. Encourage or discourage. Diminish or strengthen. Build character or destroy character. Make others feel small, or important and unique. They carry either wisdom, or ignorance.  There is also the decision to know if we use our words or we stay quiet. There have been a thousand times I didn't write or post anything because I didn't...

  "The Journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step." Paty ♥ Learn. Believe. Allow. Love. Zeal. Balance.