Seven Golds

  Throughout this whole process, I always thought that my spirit hadn’t been broken. But the other day, in one of those days I don’t feel good and I am looking for more answers, I looked it up.  It turns out it was. Completely.  The good news is that I’m not at the beginning of repairing it. The bad news is that it’s not easy and it’s a long process. I also looked up long term effects of abuse. Both talked about being a long process requiring a lot of patience & perseverance, and a lot of self-compassion. Both talked about not having the wrong expectations, which is something I have gotten wrong over and over again, making the process more challenging.  When I get trapped in negativity, I try to remember what I write in the blog. I try to remember my own words and advice to help me when I start feeling lost. This is why it’s important for me to write; i’s a glimpse of hope when I, myself, start losing it again during difficult days. One key factor was to empower ...

  No one tells you that breaking generational trauma and abuse is going to be hell before it starts to feel like liberation. I realized last night that healing and breaking patterns means there are layers after layers. Sometimes, I feel like I am not even done with one layer when there is another one screaming for attention because it can no longer survive. And right now, that layer is dealing and understanding chronic stress. I just realized I have a bad case of chronic stress. I didn't even know it was a thing, but it explains that awful feeling of every day. It is there the moment I get up and go into the bathroom to wash my teeth & get ready for my day. I have been trying to understand why I can't heal from my headaches, and started realizing that stress was affecting the process, so I started talking with my therapist about it. I have spent these past weeks trying to calm myself down because my levels of stress have been extremely high. And trying to find resources, li...

 "....Therefore, we can't kill anybody, much less sit by if someone is hurting. We killed 100 million people in the last century. There are 40 wars happening today. We are on track to blow up the planet and destroy the planet through catastrophic climate change. So, there is nothing passive about love. Love is active, creative, daring, public nonviolence that resists all the forces of death." I just wanted to share these powerful words. I, myself, am finding that staying informed & on top of the news is becoming slow suicide. I had internalized this unhealthy worrying that if I don't stay informed, I don't care enough. So, I asked my therapist today, and she was able to put me at ease. She asked me if I have proof that I actually don't care. That not engaging does not mean I don't care, but to instead know my capacity for caring. She said it is coming from a place of judgement, because caring is very important to me. She asked me to think about how doe...

I read not long ago that it builds character, to be patient with ourselves. And that it gives peace to the people around us.  I also read somewhere else that there is wisdom in waiting.  One of the turning shifts in my healing journey was when I started telling myself, repeatedly, even if I didn't believe it, that I am exactly where I need to be. That I trust my timing and the timing of the journey. I said it so many times until I started believing my words.  I still do, when things start feeling heavy again. Here, Paty ♥

 I have had a very difficult relationship with power. Mainly, because my experience with power was of domination, control and abuse. It has been difficult to be able to trust power as something good. I was also afraid of it, my own power, and lacked the confidence to believe in it. Slowly, throughout the years, with a lot of work, my relationship is getting better, although I still struggle with it.  I read something helpful, about power, yesterday: "Power, in & of itself, is not bad. It simply needs to be redefined as something more than domination. If the Holy Spirit is power, then power has to be good, loving & empowering, not something that is the result of ambition or greed. [...] if we don't name the good meaning of power, we will be content with the bad, or we will avoid claiming our own powerful vocations. What is needed, Martin Luther King Jr. writes, "is a realization that power without love is reckless and abusive, and that love without power is sentime...

 I’m going to start writing my book next year.  It wasn’t easy to make it to this point. God! For over a decade I couldn’t even formulate a goal because I was in survival mode, and nothing else. I tried, many times until I understood where I was standing.  I think at the beginning of last year, in one of those desperate attempts I tried and prayed really hard. I wanted to have goals for the year; I thought it would help me take the year, plan and be productive. After a while I started crying because my mind wasn’t responding, but a little voice inside me said: “put away the Christmas tree.” It was February and I still had it up. Peacefully, I stopped crying, understanding the message. "Right now, the next thing to do is to put away the Christmas tree. That’s it. This is the only goal you can manage right now; this is all your brain can handle." Some big things still need to happen before I can start writing. I need to change the floors in my room, stairs, living room and ...