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“What is my story?”

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(Photo was taken by my son)  I have therapy on Tuesdays and Wednesdays each week. Although I’m getting better, it is still a lot of work. Normally by Tuesday, I’m realizing now, my nervous system is already dysregulated and I urgently need therapy to ground myself. Sometimes I am afraid I have become dependent on therapy and that I might need it for the rest of my life. But we are not there yet; I do hope that at least I can move to once a week instead of two soon. Lately, I have been working on ideas for my new business, doing research and applying for licenses in the evenings and on Saturday mornings. Today I was feeling overwhelmed by the whole thing so I thought about the blog and writing. The other day when I was feeling on edge, I checked Mark Nepo’s IG page, for inspiration. I saved a quote from him and I try to ground myself with it, often: “Lift your story like a sandbag and pass it on. It will do more good than you can know.” Sometimes when my brain is betraying me, I can...
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The possibilities ahead.

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I believe I am going to start my own business. Online bookkeeping business. I have been a little terrified about this decision as well. On Monday, when I was having a bad anxiety attack, I was thinking, "how in the world are you going to run a business if you have these mental health issues?" "Are you sure you have what it takes to do this?" Then on Tuesday when my head was hurting a lot and I had to schedule an urgent appointment with the chiropractor, I was thinking the same thing - "how in the world am I going to do this?" The other night when I couldn't sleep thinking about it, I remember telling myself, "Well, you are going to do it anyway, you know you are, so what is the point of being so worried to the point of making you sick?"  And taking it one day at a time. I realized that practicing gratitude and grounding myself is helping. If today I still have food and a roof, then today I am okay. Tomorrow is tomorrow. And remembering that i...
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What change means to me, right now.

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I am leaving my job. Two weeks from tomorrow will be my last day. This was one of the hardest decisions of my life and not easy to come to it.  When I told my therapist she reminded me that I have done hard things in the past. It gave me peace of mind for about a minute, because I also remember promising myself never to do this again- putting myself in that position of not having a job or money. Now here I am. Again.  Brené Brown said once that when we work with family, our unhealthy, unresolved patterns come to the surface the most. For me it was codependency, toxic guilt, feeling responsible for others, and maybe a few more. I am sure that the fact I am the big sister also played a big part, in my broken parts. Of course, there have also been the good parts that I brought in like commitment, loyalty, dedication, responsibility, solving problems, figuring things out, communication, projecting, bringing difficult conversations to the table, and a few others. They also had, and...
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And then everything started to change...

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  I changed.  I no longer was broken. I realized I have outgrown the roads that broke me and started the process of figuring out the life that fits who I am now.  The rising part has begun. But boy, I'm not having a good time! Maybe this is the part where I figure out what I am made of. Here, Paty ♥
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Fighter.

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"The mind is like a muscle. If you want it to be powerful you got to work it out. Each new fact gives you another choice. Each new idea builds another muscle. And it's those muscles that are going to make you really strong. Those are your weapons."  "You can't give in. You can't go gentle. You got to rage against the dying of the light."  Sometimes, in order to fight my demons, I need to fight back. And we don't fight our demons gently; at least I don't think. My therapist told me to lean on those empowering moments; to keep going back to them. Because sometimes rage is what saves me. Here, Paty. ♥
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When our spirits break-

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  Throughout this whole process, I always thought that my spirit hadn’t been broken. But the other day, in one of those days I don’t feel good and I am looking for more answers, I looked it up.  It turns out it was. Completely.  The good news is that I’m not at the beginning of repairing it. The bad news is that it’s not easy and it’s a long process. I also looked up long term effects of abuse. Both talked about being a long process requiring a lot of patience & perseverance, and a lot of self-compassion. Both talked about not having the wrong expectations, which is something I have gotten wrong over and over again, making the process more challenging.  When I get trapped in negativity, I try to remember what I write in the blog. I try to remember my own words and advice to help me when I start feeling lost. This is why it’s important for me to write; i’s a glimpse of hope when I, myself, start losing it again during difficult days. One key factor was to empower ...
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Understanding chronic stress.

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  No one tells you that breaking generational trauma and abuse is going to be hell before it starts to feel like liberation. I realized last night that healing and breaking patterns means there are layers after layers. Sometimes, I feel like I am not even done with one layer when there is another one screaming for attention because it can no longer survive. And right now, that layer is dealing and understanding chronic stress. I just realized I have a bad case of chronic stress. I didn't even know it was a thing, but it explains that awful feeling of every day. It is there the moment I get up and go into the bathroom to wash my teeth & get ready for my day. I have been trying to understand why I can't heal from my headaches, and started realizing that stress was affecting the process, so I started talking with my therapist about it. I have spent these past weeks trying to calm myself down because my levels of stress have been extremely high. And trying to find resources, li...
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