Seven Golds

 I had a really bad episode of Borderline last week. Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday were awful. I didn't feel safe, and I thought I was back in the same dark place, which is pretty scary. My mind and my reality were already betraying me. To try to cope, on Friday, I took some photographs of objects around the house. I just waited for a perfect moment, to capture something interesting, like the sun rays on the teacup I have by my kitchen window, or a bird on the tree outside my bedroom window. When I was editing the cactus photograph, it was very hard because I immediately felt my CPTSD. My mind immediately went back and got stuck in that place of depression and photography. I told myself it was just one photo I needed to finish. I also forced myself to read for 20 minutes, to keep my mind distracted.   Working on the teacup photographs helped a lot because I was focusing on the details of the dirt, with different templates, B&W, and color. On Thursday, I took some ph...

 Coping... Here, Paty ♥

  My mental health got bad, really quickly, Tuesday night & yesterday. It caught me off guard. I wanted to write a little bit about it, but it was so intense it is difficult to share it. I am also realizing that I am trying to protect myself from all the emotions and darkness I was feeling. When things were getting really bad, I somehow managed to take out my bike and ride it for 15 minutes. Then I looked for a journal just for the purpose of writing down my thoughts; the intrusive thoughts that feel so real and keep sending me into mental despair. After that I went back to work, but doing something easy that didn't require much thinking. The moment a thought showed up, instead of allowing it to completely take over, I wrote it down. Raw. Exactly as it came.  This is important because, in the moment, is almost impossible to even identify these thoughts. Thoughts that are still related to the unresolved trauma I am currently working on. I came aware of the truth that if I d...

  I have struggled with self-care my whole life. I dwell in shame and guilt and a list of all the things I should be doing, plus a list of all the things I did yesterday and the day before, because I need to convince myself I deserve to rest, even when I’m too sick. I also need that list in case others ask why I’m resting.  The other day I was reflecting that maybe I want to switch my focus from ‘I struggle with…’ to I am healing and recovering from a childhood core belief that I must be selfless in order to be a good girl. That I don’t deserve it. That I can’t have needs. There is also the inability to recognize my own needs, and in return, I struggle trusting myself and my body. This struggle, like many others I carry, is the brutal reality of martyrdom passed on to me, to carry and continue. In silence and quiet. Especially as a woman, and especially in my culture. Changing toxic core beliefs is very difficult and it takes a lot of hard, awful work. I have been learning and...

  On Sunday night, I was awake, unable to sleep in doubts about this project. "What am I thinking?!" "I won't be able to do this!" "What if I don't have anything to say?" "What if my mental health gets really bad and I can't write anything?" On Monday, I spent some time at Starbucks, trying to write something. Nothing. I came home, tried the same thing. Nothing. I went to clean the boy's bathroom instead. Sometimes clearing my head and not thinking about it helps. Healing is... That was the little whisper in my soul while cleaning the restroom. Healing is so complex, unique and different for everyone. Difficult and painfully slow. It's also the little things, the little accomplishments that seem insignificant but are actually big. I believe that if I am able to find the answer to the question, 'what is healing,' in the ordinary little things of daily life, the rest will follow. Including my own healing. Here, Paty ♥

I have this project in mind, of trying to write more often, in the blog. I also came up with a name- 'The Healing Project.'  Right now, is just an idea, and for the next two weeks I want to test it and see if I am able to keep up with it. This idea has come up to me throughout the years, but it was during a time I couldn't even write for months, or years, sometimes. A few weeks ago, I thought about it again, but I didn’t want to just jump in.  The truth is, I’m still nervous about it, and a bit hesitant. Given the fact that I am doing EMDR therapy and I still struggle with mental health and low energy, I want to test it out and see what happens. I easily get overwhelmed, so, I will not post it in my feed, in Instagram; I want to see how this works out. I will do my best to write short posts, and hopefully this will help with consistency, but still protecting my energies and my mind.  So, What is healing: Someone said that healing allows people to flourish. Someone else sa...