Seven Golds

 I’m going to start writing my book next year.  It wasn’t easy to make it to this point. God! For over a decade I couldn’t even formulate a goal because I was in survival mode, and nothing else. I tried, many times until I understood where I was standing.  I think at the beginning of last year, in one of those desperate attempts I tried and prayed really hard. I wanted to have goals for the year; I thought it would help me take the year, plan and be productive. After a while I started crying because my mind wasn’t responding, but a little voice inside me said: “put away the Christmas tree.” It was February and I still had it up. Peacefully, I stopped crying, understanding the message. "Right now, the next thing to do is to put away the Christmas tree. That’s it. This is the only goal you can manage right now; this is all your brain can handle." Some big things still need to happen before I can start writing. I need to change the floors in my room, stairs, living room and ...

 I am not sure I get it. I want to live. Love. Feel everything. Emotions like anger, sadness, even fear, if done right, are meant to be used as fuel. Against the injustice towards others and ourselves.  Sometimes during my better days, I am afraid of my mental health. This fear pushes me to keep fighting and understanding my condition and darkness.  I am fighting for hope, joy and peace within myself. Happiness and joy are not the same thing; joy is different, and that is what I am seeking and fighting for.  This doesn’t mean I don’t want to feel those moments of happiness, because I do. But I am learning that they happen by ordinary, unexpected moments that need to be cherished. They happen when I am able to push through my anxiety or fear and remind myself to be present, in the moment, as it is.  Because If I pursue happiness and nothing else, I will miss out on life, the present, and the things that truly matter.  Here,  Paty ♥️

A while ago, I started realizing how much I struggle blogging, to the point where I just wouldn't post at all. I know that a lot of times I just can't, either because of mental health problems, or physical issues. But I have struggled with opening up; being honest. I started talking with my therapist about it when I figured how much it was blocking me from writing. One big issue that came up was guilt. I told her that guilt sometimes stops me, but I didn't know why. She said, "maybe guilt is trying to keep you safe, because fear of abandonment comes up." This made a lot of sense to me. It was healing to see things clearer, from a different perspective, because part of my trauma screams "there is something wrong with you, and you are not good enough." It was easier to write a post after that. But then I started getting stuck again. So, I started working really hard on trying to identify the thoughts showing up whenever I wanted to write but couldn't. ...

Mental health is complex and messy. Life is complex and messy. My mind still feels really messed up a lot of times. During these moments I still get angry, but I am in a place where I can feel the anger and let it pass through me without consuming my soul. I still have bad days with panic or anxiety attacks. Or days when darkness takes over. Living with mental health is not easy. Most of the time I am trying, fighting, or accepting. Sometimes I want to give up because I’m too tired. These are the days I need grace the most.  I’m still learning not to be judgemental towards myself, when I come into my limitations again. When I slip and start putting a lot of pressure on my recovery and myself.  But I am noticing that every time the struggles get real again, I recover a little stronger. These are my small wins. Small wins that are kind of a big deal to me. I’m still struggling with headaches, and at times it affects my mental health. I made mistakes at first until I realiz...

This post is to create awareness between concussions, which are more common in females, and those who have migraines, mental health problems and had a prior concussion, which I had when I had the car accident. Having concussions and mental health issues can be very scary. I asked my therapist last week, “what was that? Because it scared the hell out of me and I need to understand. It wasn’t my normal darkness taking me down. It was more scary and fast and real.” These were my thoughts as Angel was getting out the door late morning on Saturday, 4th of July weekend and I was  staying home with a mild concussion.  As I washed a few dishes I recognized my suicidal thoughts, mainly because they were more intense and out of the blue. My own thoughts scared me, especially knowing I was home alone and vulnerable. But because it scared me, I was able to quickly get out of there and save myself. “Oh no!! We are not doing this!” I said to myself. My therapist said that there is a link be...

 I actually have a lot to talk about, but I am still recovering from a mild concussion due to accidentally hitting my head on the wall almost two weeks ago. There is a story behind this. I found out today that a person I follow on Instagram passed away from cancer. They was a poet and has been of great inspiration throughout my healing journey. I learned about Andrea Gibson on "We can do hard things" podcast. I remember writing down almost everything they said, and going back to their wisdom a few times. I actually thought about their yesterday. Every time I feel insecure with my body, I remember something they said- “I just want to have a body.”  I have struggled a great deal with darkness, but their words on darkness have lifted and guided me along the journey: "the darkness contains many truths that could bring the light to its knees." And about healing, they reminded, with their words, that "True healing requires integration, not rejection." That ...