Seven Golds

These past months, I have been fighting with all that I have to save myself... The truth is, as it became clearer, that I lost myself. In the abuse, the trauma, the mental health, the darkness. In the trauma loop. I tried, for many painful years, but I didn't know how to build myself up again.  Or stand up.  It's also truth that I wasn't ready, or in condition to do it.  Another truth is that at some point, it also became comfortable. I already knew how to survive inside my mental prison walls. I knew what to do in the okay days, and also the horrible days. But living within those walls is not living, and it was becoming unbearable.  When the time came; when I felt this strong feeling of change, I put a lot of resistance at first. I was terrified beyond any words. I also didn't know if I could trust this little voice that honestly, I couldn't even recognize anymore. In fact, my intuition wasn't quite developed. Nor was I.  I became imprisoned of my survival and

 I completely lost myself. I didn't know how to build myself back up. I haven't known how to build myself back up.... Paty ♥

.... My reality. I am struggling with my own reality. Being able to see it.  I doubt it, a lot. I doubt myself, my abilities, my decisions. Others' behaviors. My own mental illnesses and struggles. My therapist told me that I need to stop gaslighting myself. I went quiet for a while; it was a heavy reality. I knew she was right; I was realizing I didn't know I was doing it. But why wouldn't I? If I think about it. It felt pretty heavy. I went to sleep doing research on this. Feeling the truth throughout my body. Realizing there is one more thing I need to add to my list of mental health issues that I need to work on.  Heal. Last week, I started writing down things, in my journal. How I feel, and the thoughts I have. I was hoping that by doing this I would be able to start recognizing my reality more, since it seems that I am stuck in there too. The problem is that I can't really read back what I write, which is why she said I am gaslighting myself. This is also one of t

I have been in survival mode for so long that I no longer know how to live, or how it feels like.  My walls of protection are so high I don't know how to take them down. At some point I told my therapist I wasn't willing to get out of them anymore. It was becoming a conscious choice, to stay within my walls. Then it started been unbearable. Not living means not taking risks, not making decisions, and a complete lack of power. I decided that if I wanted to start taking these walls down, I needed to start taking some risks. The scary ones - the ones I don't want to take. And saying the things I don't want to say yet, nor admit. I made this choice. To start figuring out how to recover my power and strength.  To work more on making my mental health stronger, regardless of my mental illnesses. And keep learning to cope with the symptoms. How to get unstuck from this mental space where I feel so trapped and frozen. I want to figure out how to build a beautiful life, despite e

"...with only the risk to crack open all that has hardened about me, what will I do with what I have?"   Paty ♥

What's next? What is the action plan?  I asked my therapist yesterday. I have been talking about my past and traumas and mental health with her, since we started, because I wanted her to understand the Why and the history.  Talking about it all was intense. Terrifying. Triggering.  Deliberating. I have been hoping for this moment, since I started therapy in November of last year, right after Thanksgiving. The moment of having shared all the things that are difficult to share (little note - I know I share very little in this blog, and that it might be difficult to understand the struggles and the whys of my mental health, but I am not ready to talk about it all. At least not here, and not yet-). It took a year to make it to this little milestone. All the challenges. The having to start all over again with therapist after therapist. I realized, today, how much perseverance it took. How much I endured, and how many times I wanted to quit when my mind screamed loud and louder that I wa